Crown of Scars
by Opaque
Summary: Ginny's sixth year and she's trying to put her life together but the pieces don't always fit. **Life just loves to fall apart.** Sequel to Silver Scars. This story is COMPLETE. Author's notes are now finished, please re-read.
1. Morning After

Disclaimer: They're not mine  
  
  
Okay this is the sequel to Silver Scars. When I wrote SS I had no intention of writing a sequel but a lot of people asked for one so here it is at last. This will be longer than SS but hopefully worth it. Romance? Yes some but the main idea of this story is Ginny, Draco and Harry finding their place in each other's lives. I'm going to try to get a better characterization on both Draco and Harry so criticize me all you want, I need it. The beginning is kind of gory but I promise it shouldn't get much worse. Also the fragility of Ginny's character is Temporary. She'll improve I promise.   
  
WARNING: This story contains self-abuse. I don\t want to frighten, encourage or offend anyone, so be warned.   
  
FINALLY: THANK YOU to all the people who reviewed… you guys are the reason I'm writing this.   
  
  
Try to breathe  
Memories over taking me...  
Try to face them   
But the thought is too much to concieve...   
(Fade: Staind)  
  
Her consciousness swam forward, fighting towards the light like a swimmer in deep water trying to reach air. Pushing through the swamp of her unconsciousness she fought forward, reaching… and suddenly she was awake. Ginny sat up dizzily, warm in her bed, safe in the Gryffindor dorm room. This was the way she woke up every morning… so why did it feel so very wrong? Shaking her tangled hair out of her face she pushed the covers away from her body.  
  
Suddenly she froze. She wasn't in her plain cotton nightgown. She was in the tattered remains of her once pretty dress designed for the Yule Ball… and her arms were covered in half healed scars, recently closed and starting to itch terribly. Scratches, not cuts. Random not planned like her scars…  
With out warning the previous night's events hit her in a whirlwind that left her sick and dizzy. The dance, Goyle, her trek through the forbidden forest. Harry. Draco. Clutching her stomach desperately she wondered for a moment what terrified her more…the fact that Harry knew her secret or that she had spent the night crying in Draco's arms.   
  
Then she looked at her dress. Shredded from the brambles of the Forbidden Forest she started blankly down at her ruined handy work. She had looked pretty last night, which was rare. People had noticed. Goyle had noticed. Ginny's head fell forward in swift nausea. She rushed down the stairs to the bathroom were she barely made it to the toilet before she started retching into the porcelain bowl. No sooner had the first bout passed then she threw up again, though this time nothing but acid and bile came that burned her mouth and throat raw. 'I can't live like this' she thought desperately, tears running down her pale face.   
  
She looked dejectedly at her skin, her eyes tracing over her body wearily. Weak and shaking on the toilet bowl she caught sight of a little tear in her dress. One that was not made by the thorns in the forest. One that was made by Gregory Goyle's slimy hands sliding down her waist. And she could see it. In her mind's eye she could see his hands and the look in his eye as he defiled her body. Containing nothing more for her body to vomit forth, she bolted up trembling.   
"I'm filthy. I'm covered in his filth." Her voice started to quiver. "I have to get clean," she rasped, "I have to get clean."  
  
Frantic, she made her way to the bathtubs. She found her own, lined with what she could afford of soap and sponge. Mindlessly she turned on the water until it streamed forward hot and inviting. Ginny ignored the second-degree burns she was receiving from the scalding water. Hot was good. Hot water would get her clean again.  
  
Ginny grabbed a sponge and began to lather up ignoring the stinging that rippled across her skin as she ripped open half healed scratches with her violent scrubbing. She scrubbed her entire body until her skin tingled, than she rinsed herself carefully. She was still trembling, her mind in complete turmoil, when she gasped. She could still see it. His filth was still on her skin! She felt hysteria rising like bile in her throat, but she caught herself. Laughing harshly she found herself repeating what her mother often said, "If it's not clean, wash it. If it's still not clean then wash it again!"  
  
So she washed and scrubbed until her skin blistered under her touch. Ginny pulled at her hair and tore at her skin, the intense feeling of helplessness overwhelming her. It was still there she realized as unfelt tears began to roll again down her cheeks. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't escape the grime he had tainted her with. Grime and shame. It was still there and there was only one way for her to get rid of it.   
  
Standing up shakily she stepped out of the bathtub, slipping a little on the cold tile floor. She went to the small cupboard where she was allowed to keep some of her things, toothbrush, combs, soap…etc. Her knife wasn't there she knew… it was still lost in the owlery tower, but she still had a tiny razor …  
  
'If I can't clean it off, I'll cut it out,' she thought desperately. As soon as she made the decision a strange eerie calm settled in her. This would work. It would have to, because she couldn't live and see his hands on her body forever. She'd go insane.  
  
As Ginny settled back into the slowly cooling water, she was still oblivious to the tears on her face or the pain shooting over her skin. Without closing her eyes she touch the tiny razor to her arm. Her flesh was soft and wet from an hour's soaking and the blade sliced easily and dangerously over it, leaving a trail thin red blood. She was in complete mental chaos, but in some center in her head she went over every part of her that Goyle had touched and slashed until the sight of her blood wiped out the memory or his hands. The steel touched, tasted and slashed itself over her arms, stomach, waist and breasts. It sliced mercilessly over her skin… little lace cuts where only his fingers had been; deep, wide gashes where his palms had slid down…  
She was in pain, blessed pain. It crept over her at first but then it released a floodgate, showering over her nervous system. Peace. With her mind drenched in her self-made harm she couldn't think of anything else. She couldn't feel anything else. Goyle was lost in a sea of pain floating aimlessly in the pink water of the bathtub.   
  
  
"Ginny? Ginny, are you in there?"  
  
She froze.   
  
"Ginny, come on, it's Neville. I don't mean to bother, but the Christmas feast is starting and you should be there!"  
  
Shaking herself stiffly out of her trance she said, "I- I'm not… Not very hungry---" her voice sounded brittle and thin "---- Just go on with out me."  
  
She heard his feet shuffle idly outside the door. "But Gin, people are asking for you. And---" his voice dropped and faltered a bit "Ginny, it's lonely down there."  
  
Ginny let her head roll back slowly. This was Neville's first year to be left at Hogwarts for the holidays. Two years before his grandmother had been killed at the beginning of Voldemort's vicious up rising. Even after the very temporary defeat and his withdrawal to build stronger armies, Neville having lost both parents and Grandmother to villain was near frantic. Then his Great uncle died leaving him orphaned. That had been the last blow. All his energy, personality and chumminess had drained away like tap water. He was lonely and miserable and now he was asking for her help to get through his first Christmas alone. How could she refuse?  
  
"Okay, Neville, I'll be down in a minute--- Just give me some time to get ready. I-I'll be down soon."  
  
His voice clearly brightened. "Okay. I'll go ahead, but don't take to long."   
Broken from her stricken state she raised quickly form the bathtub… and gasped. The water was pink and she bleeding everywhere. Blood ran freely down her stomach, chest and thighs.   
  
"Oh, no," she whispered as she pulled a towel around herself and dried off. She was still bleeding as she wrapped herself in bathrobe (maroon, an old one of Ron's), even though the smaller cuts had tapered off. Opening the door carefully she was relieved to see that Neville was gone and could not the blood winding down her ankles. Quietly she made her way back to the Gryffindor common room, stopping to clean any blood spots that dripped on the way.   
  
Back in the dorm room Ginny knew she was in trouble. Staring at her naked body in the mirror she felt herself begin to laugh hysterically.   
"Cutting is control," she spoke to her wet and blood soak reflection. "Control over pain that will kill you if you don't release it. And here I am bleeding to death. If I die on my knife it will be the sorriest joke in the school. The point is to live not die!!" She collapsed on the bed willing the bleeding on her stomach and arms to stop. It didn't. "I've butchered myself," she whispered to the mirror.   
  
The mirror twisted suddenly into a face. "Deary, " it said comfortably. "You'd best get yourself cleaned up or else get to infirmary. You don't look well from what I'm seeing."  
  
"I'll be fine, mirror," she lied. " It will take some work, but DAMNED it all I'm going to be fine."   
  
As the face in the mirror vanished, Ginny called on hidden reserves of Weasely strength. Healing charms were few; magic relied more on potions and balms than spells to heal hurts. What she knew she spoke carefully and then she took out the robes she would wear for breakfast. Carefully she put a charm on them that would make nothing stain them. It was her mother's favorite especially when the twins had to look nice for an event. "Nothing can get passed this," her mother would say, "Not pumpkin juice, toffee, raspberry soda…" or blood she thought grimly.   
Dressed she brushed her hair back in quick ponytail and worked on a practice face for the crowd. Shuddering at the thought of the trial before her she stood and left the room.   
  
Hell was just around the corner.   
  
When she entered the great hall the first thing she saw was Neville red and trembling, cowering under the cold gaze of Draco Malfoy. For one long moment her heart stopped beating. Then she slowly took in the scene in front of her.   
  
"So, stuck here in jolly old Hogwarts, this year Neville, or was it Snivel? I do keep forgetting… you know considering how long you've been molding in the place it's amazing how practically no one notices you."  
  
Neville stuttered angrily, "Sh-shove off Malfoy, don't you have a first-year you can pick on?"  
  
"Oh well you see Neville," Draco answered laughing "The First-years actually have spines… you're a much easier target and I'm feeling lazy this morning. You're even more green than usual. Don't tell me you're missing Granny Vulture?"  
  
That was apparently the last straw. Neville grabbed his wand and shouted the first curse that came to mind. But Malfoy was too quick for him. Before Neville had uttered the words, which he slurred slightly in anger, Malfoy had cast a reflection spell that sent the curse flying back at Neville. There was flash…and then and eruption of laughter as the smoke cleared and Neville was revealed with flaming pink hair and warts slowly spreading across his face.  
  
Ginny's heart went out to him. Whatever had happen last night, Malfoy was still viscous and goading Neville about his Grandmother was subhuman. She walked into the hall trying to see why the professors weren't stopping this whole. Then she realized they weren't there. They must have already finished and left… which would explain why everyone was restless. Malfoy was still doubled over laughing at Neville's now swollen face when she came quietly between them.   
  
Lifting her wand she muttered the counter-curse over Neville, which quickly made his hair color die down and his warts fade. Making sure to avoided eye contact with Draco she sat down and bade Neville to site beside her.   
  
As soon as he saw her Draco froze. She looked awful…terribly stiff and the way she walked alerted him that something was wrong. Damn. He was stuck with Crabbe tailing him like a whipped dog and a hall full of people. Still sneering he sat down, keeping a hidden eye on her.   
  
Neville sat down trembling as Ginny tried to calm him. "I hate him.. I hate him sooo much! It's him and his kind that killed everything I loved! I wish he would just die and put us all out of our misery." Ginny knew better than to say anything. Some pains were too great to argue with or sympathize or even pity.   
  
"Let it go Neville. Ignore him if you can. I know it's hard but try," she said softly. Neville snapped up to say something but the sight of her made him stop. She look drawn, tired and weary, her damp hair pulled back in an ugly pony tail that was not at all attractive for her face. He mentally shrugged, mildly surprised. The night before she had look very pretty. 'Perhaps all that dancing wore her out,' he thought.   
  
Ginny picked lifelessly at her food. "Where were you last night," she asked. "I didn't see you."  
  
Neville snorted. "Oh I was there, playing my traditional role as the Gryffindor Wall Flower. I just love how this school insists on putting on these ridiculous dances when everybody knows that the Dark Lord is just hiding until his troupes are replenished… We all seem to affect this air like we don't know that disaster is around the corner. We have this stupid feast, for the left-over students when the teachers leave suddenly pretending that their just going for a stroll when it's plain as day that they're meeting again to discuss what's going to happen when war does erupted. But here we are eating sausages and pretending like all life is Quiditch and cupcakes-"  
  
He stopped suddenly, laughing harshly. "I'm sorry Gin. You have to forgive. I'm not showing much for holiday cheer am I? Ha- well never mind…. it's just that… everything feels so wrong. Not ruined but just…. wrong."  
  
"I know," she said her mind drifting far away from him. "It's like--- like a potion that's missing one ounce of some ingredient. It's not much but it's the difference between a one that works and one that turns your tongue blue."  
  
"Yes, like ALL of my potions turn out," mumbled Neville with a snort of laughter. He picked at his food some but didn't eat anything. Finally determined to make something out of the conversation he said, "I saw you last night. You looked very pretty. And you danced well too, everyone noticed-" Ginny gulped "-And everyone thought you looked ---- different. But you left so suddenly."  
  
Ginny felt her body tense. She tried to hide it by taking a sudden gulp of her pumpkin juice.   
  
Neville continued, not noticing her distress, "Yes that color you had on was nice. And I think you've put on weight."  
  
Without meaning to Ginny choked a little on her juice. Neville looked up and gasped. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it that way!" He thought she was upset about the comment. "I mean come on Ginny, you're a stick! I just meant that you filled out a little and I think you need it?" The last sentence come out like a question. Neville raked his hands through his hair. "I'm sorry. I'm such a blooming idiot…look I swear on Merlin's beard that I meant it as a compliment."  
  
Ginny laughed out right at his fumbling. It was like having the old Neville back. She gave him as warm a smile as she could muster and said, "Neville don't worry about it. I know what you meant. I'm not upset! Now eat your eggs like a good boy…. You've been picking at them for the best part of fifteen minutes. Just put them in your mouth a chew."  
  
Neville grunted. "I'm not hungry," he said stabbing at the eggs and sausages. Ginny looked at him thoughtfully then said, "You know, YOU have lost a lot of weight, Neville. Be careful or you'll end up as skinny as Ron."  
  
Surprisingly Neville's face darkened. "I know," he said in a strange far away voice. "It's Grandma's fault you know. She used to stuff me. 'You're a growing boy,' she'd say 'You need to eat.'"  
  
Ginny winced. She hadn't meant to bring up any more bad memories for him. But Neville was now in a world of his own. "And you know what was worst? She was a horrible cook. Everything she made tasted like sand. But I had to lick my plate clean or else get a licking for the waste. Like she thought a layer of fat would protect me from---"  
  
But then his voice faltered completely and he choked back a sob. Ginny winced again filled with sympathy for Neville, the slow steady one that everybody trod on. Unconsciously she offered him a hand. Neville leaned forward to hug her in comfort, too caught up in his own pain to see her face. Just as his arms embraced her he felt her push him suddenly away. He pulled back startled to see Ginny jump up, pale and terrified, her face so white it looked like she would faint.   
  
"Don't touch me!" she said shrilly, her voice cracking to a high-pitched whisper. "Please don't touch me!"  
  
As Ginny stood there trembling she saw the reality of what had happened. Neville looked lost and hurt not understanding her in the least and those who had heard her were staring at her blankly and whispering. Out of some involuntary movement she shifted her gaze and looked right at Draco Malfoy. He was calm with a cool unreadable expression on his face. His eyes flashed for a moment but he didn't move. Ginny felt her stomach turn… she had ruined everything. Burying her face in her hands, she shook her head and fled the room muttering "I'm sorry," under her breath.   
  
Draco watched her go and felt his gut twist painfully. 'All we need now is for Voldemort to rise up and complete this perfect Christmas,' he thought with acid sarcasm. He was reminding of the time his mother had taken him by the shoulders as a boy her face swollen with bruise from her abusive husband. "Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Expect it Draco and be prepared." Well he'd be prepared. He guessed where she was head and tried to think of a way he could get there before she could.   
  
Snorting suddenly he said, 'Happy Christmas,' with cold cynical smile. He'd wait till the whispering died down and then he'd go. Today was going to be a long day.   
  
  
  
Okay: Next ch. Mostly Ginny and Draco. Neville's not going to play a big role in this but I thought he deserved a scene. I'm not English but I'll try and keep American phrases out of this. and Sorry about any grammar mistakes. 


	2. Bent

Disclaimer: They're still not mine  
  
  
Okay: Mostly Draco / Ginny here. Can anybody spell angst?  
  
Thanx to all who reviewed… I forgot how much I missed you all. I had stopped writing here completely for months but I'm back for a while… at least until this is done. SORRY this is so late. Exams started and my internet time is nil.   
  
  
  
Can you help me I'm bent?  
I'm so scared that I'll never  
Get put back together  
Keep breaking me in  
And this is how we will end…  
With you and me….bent.   
(Bent: Matchbox 20)  
  
  
  
Even to the steady headed, Hogwarts was a maze at best. When you were trying to get somewhere you never knew where you'd end up and when you didn't know where you were going in the first place the possibilities were endless.   
  
As Ginny fled the great hall heading in no particular direction save 'away', she ran for what felt like an eternity before tripping of the harsh cold stones and being thrown two feet into a wall. To tired to even scream as she fell, she lay there in a crumpled ball for another eternity that could have been anywhere from ten minutes to an hour and just cried dry wracking sobs in the dark hall somewhere in the depths of Hogwarts.   
  
Everything hurt. Her skin was blistered and her muscles where screaming in protest to the fall. But nothing hurt like the thought of what she had done to Neville.   
'As if he doesn't have enough bloody problems hankering his life, I have to go screw up his Christmas and make a complete ass out of myself…' Ginny thought bitterly. She sat up slowly and slumped against the wall. This was turning into something beyond her worse nightmares. That fear… that choking all consuming fear when he had touched her. Was that permanent damage done to her? Damn Goyle for his folly. Damn him to hell!  
  
She rubbed her face viciously in her palms. "I need something," she said out loud to the wall. "I have to get through this, but I need something or else I'm going to break apart."   
  
Her first thought went to her knife. Where was it? Up in the owlery tower, where she had dropped it. Her skin protested in one spine trembling sweep of pain and reminded her that she had cut plenty for one day. 'But I don't need to cut,' she argued with herself 'I just want my knife back…' It was a security she needed to feel pressed down in the heel of her boot. That she had some weapon to face the day with. 'But then who is the enemy?' she heard herself mocking bitterly 'Myself?' She shut down her thoughts quickly. Yes, she would get her knife from the owlery tower and then she would go to her room and plan some way to make up for the fiasco she had caused.   
  
Where was she? Looking around her she had no idea. But the best way to get anywhere in Hogwarts was not to try and get there. Just keep walking and let the halls guide themselves. Brushing the dust off her robes she began to walk and hoped she would finally get where she wanted to go.   
  
Ten minutes later she was at the owlery tower. But as soon as she reached the winding steps that lead upwards to the roost of the messenger owls, a cold sweat caught her so fiercely she almost buckled under. This was where everything had gone wrong. She couldn't just walk up there coolly, get her knife and come back down. 'Goyle's not there! Nobody is going to hurt you!' she shouted at herself sternly. But the chill wouldn't leave her and she felt her will fade like a shadow confronted by light.   
  
"So how long are you going to stand there, girl?"  
  
Ginny jumped startled, thinking for a fraction of a second that she was wrong, Goyle was back and in her state of mind there was going to be no way for her to escape. Then she saw Draco descending the stairs halting to lean calmly against the door frame. His expression was so cold she almost shivered.   
  
"What are you doing here?" she gasped not bothering to try and hide her fright. He didn't fit in to this picture. He didn't make sense. In twenty four hours he had thrown her too many curve balls for her to know what to expect from him.   
  
"Waiting for you," he said. He looked her over carefully, but somehow managed to avoid looking at all lecherous. In fact he seemed to have no expression at all. Was this the boy she had cried to all night?   
  
Draco cocked his head looking her in the eye again. "It's still up there you know," he said acidly.   
  
"My knife? You saw it?" asked Ginny thoughts of her blade blocking out all else. He nodded. "Do you think, maybe you could get for me?" she asked chewing her lip. If he got the knife than she wouldn't have to go up there… she wouldn't have to see.   
  
"I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be brave. Your playing pure cowardice now," he sneered.   
  
"That's not fair!" she snapped angrily. "I just thought since you were up there…and-and closer to it that you could just do something nice---"   
  
"Bullshit and you know it. He's not here, Ginny. By the time Dumbledore is through with him he'll be lucky if he escapes Azkaban. It's just a ROOM, Ginny." Draco began to tap his foot impatiently.   
  
"You don't know anything about it! You stand there calmly talking about this whole thing that YOUR best friend did and---"  
  
"Goyle was no friend of mine," he snapped back cutting her short.  
"Oh right, I'm sorry. When someone trails you like a tail twenty-four hours a day, it's really because you despise them that all your time's spent with them, of course, how stupid of me," she spit back sarcastically.   
  
Draco rolled his eye and ran his fingers through his hair in a nonchalant manner. "Coward," he said.  
  
Ginny's temper flared dangerously. She stormed over and pushed him violently out of her way. White Weasely anger course through her as she stormed up the stairs, trying to decide which curse she'd throw on him as soon as she proved to him… Before she could complete the thought the smell of the owlery tower hit her hard. She had never noticed it before but now it seemed to waft around her. She felt a lump rise in her throat. The sun light streaming through the tall windows couldn't make the place feel alit. In her mind it was still midnight and at any moment she would be assaulted by Goyle.   
  
A hand clamped down on her shoulder. "It's just a room," Draco said harshly. "Stop seeing it like a scene in a play. Unless you're too yellow--"  
  
She pulled angrily out of his grasp not looking behind to see him. Slowly she walked through the room across to where she had ran the night before, knife glittering in her hand. She stopped exactly where Goyle had come up behind her. She felt her knees tremble. But right at that moment Draco snickered. Damn him. She WOULD NOT falter with him as a witness. Balling her fists she scanned to see where her knife had fallen. It's handle caught in the sunlight and she bent to pick it up. Instantly she felt stronger. Turning slowly she faced Draco but looked right through him to where Goyle had been. She remembered his face as he leered at her. And the look he had had as she blasted that curse in his face. He had touched her and tried to rape her. But he hadn't. In some small way she had won the battle. Damned if she was going to let him win the war.   
  
"He didn't win," she said out loud.  
Draco's eyes narrowed. "No. Not yet."  
  
Ginny jerked her eyes to his level. "You're still afraid," he said condescendingly "But you'll get over it… if you want to."  
  
It was disquieting to look into Draco's ice cold eyes when he was like this. It was like he was waiting for some kind of reaction from her. She turned around again slowly and began to walk around the room as if reacquainting herself with it. After a minute she stopped and laughed softly. "It really is just a room. It could have been so much worse."  
  
Draco leaned against one of the walls. "True. Look at Michele. You could have ended up like her."  
  
Ginny spun around her eyes wide. "Michele? Michele Lumberfast? What about her?" Drace arched an eyebrow. Ginny felt her jaw drop. "You mean he---? He actually-Oh my God. Great Merlin! That poor girl. And everyone said she was such slut….By the Powers…."   
  
Ginny blinked rapidly as she tied in all the pieces from the rumors she had heard. She felt sick again but this time for the girl who had not been as lucky as she. Anger, sorrow and rage filled her at the thought that something so devastating could have happen at Hogwarts… They were supposed to be safe here! Suddenly looking at Draco she felt an incredible rage rocket over her. He had known? And not said anything?  
  
"How can you live with yourself!" she shouted "HOW! You KNEW…. You knew what he was and you still let him walk around here free?"  
  
Draco almost jumped at the disgust in her voice and venom in her voice. "I DID NOT KNOW!" he said angrily furious that he was so accused and even more furious that he felt the need to defend himself. "Goyle said he shagged some girl; he didn't blare about what method! I didn't think it made sense knowing Michele, but damn it, I didn't bloody dissect the issue!" Draco suddenly caught himself and all the anger seemed to vanish off his face to be replaced with a look so thick in contempt and ice that Ginny did shiver.   
  
In a voice that could have frozen Hell he hissed, "I don't have to explain myself to you. I'm not answerable to you accusations. What I do with my life is none of your business! I don't know why I'm even here,… but I can remedy that." And with that he made fast down the steps.   
  
He was so angry. Angry that she misjudged him and angrier that it affected him at all. Well it didn't matter. She was safe from Goyle and if she wanted to blade herself anemic well she could go ahead. He didn't care. He wouldn't let himself care if it killed him.   
  
Ginny watch him go and suddenly felt desperate. She still wasn't sure about him... about how he was with Goyle and what he had known, but she knew that he had saved her life the night before and he HAD held her while she cried afterwards. He knew, knew about her need and her blood lust and understood what she thought no one could. It was too soon to let him get away.   
  
"Draco, wait---WAIT!" She ran after him and caught him the steps. As soon as her hand grasped his shoulder he went still, but he wouldn't turn around.   
  
"I'm lost, okay?" she said "I don't know you… I thought I did but everything got shifted and now NOTHING makes sense. But you know about me and you understand why I cut and---" And what, she thought. She didn't want to lose him? She didn't have him to loose him yet. 'Words are such useless things,' she thought angrily…why was this all going wrong?  
  
With out warning Draco spun around on the steps and gripped her shoulders. Ginny tensed, that unreasonable fear shooting up in her again. He caught the look instantly and gripped her shoulders tighter but made every ounce of expression disappear from his face until it looked like a sheet of ice. When he spoke his voice was devoid of emotion, not angry harsh or even indifferent. If the dead spoke, she imagined they sounded like this.  
  
"Ginny, look at me. I am not going to hurt you. I. Am. Not. Going. To. Hurt. you. Ever. I swear by Merlin, Sauron and everything good and evil either one of us hold sacred. Do you understand that?"  
  
She searched for anything at all she could read as a threat in his face. A twitch, a gleam, a blink and she would have snapped. But there was nothing there. The pure expressionlessness of his manner slowly eased her mind out of the fear that gripped her. He was asking her a question.   
  
"I will not hurt you. Ever. Alright?" he repeated.  
"I know."  
His eyebrows knitting questioning  
"I Know," she repeated with more conviction. He gave a quick nodded and then let go of her, brushing passed her to stride back up the stairs, leaving her to follow behind.  
  
Once there again he sat down roughly heaving a sigh. Ginny sat down facing him, playing with the feathers that littered the ground. They were silent for a second, before Ginny raised head and asked, "How did I get to my room? The last thing I remember was being…somewhere, some room of yours. And I was asleep and then I woke up in my room."  
  
"Harry took you back later. He thought it would frighten you to wake up in strange room. And he wasn't about to let me stay with you. Prat. If I ever have to put up with him as much as I had to last night I'll rip his throat out."  
  
Ginny felt unreasonably defensive, "He's not that bad, Draco and you have no right to talk about him like that. You don't know what he's had to go through. Years of degradation at the hands of those Muggle relatives and then disaster after disaster with He Should Not Be Named…"  
  
"Voldemort."  
  
Ginny froze. "You shouldn't call him by his name!"  
  
Draco rolled his eyes blandly. "Ginny, he's practically a dinner guest at my house. Voldemort. Saying his name will not make him any more or less real. Voldemort."  
  
Swallowing tightly Ginny digested the information. Then she shook her head and said, "the point is that Harry, despite his faults, has felt enough pain in his life for you not to mock him."  
  
Draco gave a blatant sneer. "He is the picture of a perfect knight in shining armor. He believes in some kind of reality that good will triumph over evil because that's the way it should be. Ha! In the real world ugliness rules over good people, innocents get killed and pretty girls are raped by subhuman animals. I can't stand him and all his moral balderdash. He disgusts me even more than that mudblood your brother is so hooked on."  
  
Ginny would have protested about Harry and certainly about insulting Hermione but her mind was picking up to speed with his. Suddenly she smile secretively. "Do you hate him more because he's survived, because he's nice or because he's happy?"  
  
He scowled at her. He was going to have to watch this girl. "All of the above," he spit out.  
  
She began to smile triumphantly but a thought crossed her mind that made her mind freeze. "He knows. He knows about me…oh sweet Merlin what am I going to do? If he tells…"  
  
"He won't. We talked about it. He---" Draco choked a little "He doesn't want you to be hurt."  
  
When he looked at Ginny her eyes were far away and common sense told him not to say anything. Her hair was drying and it was falling out of the ponytail she had made. The shorter parts began to fall around her face. She looked prettier with it down, he thought.   
  
As if she had heard his mind she pulled the hair back again with an exasperated noise. Draco frowned.   
  
"You know you look particularly ugly with your hair pulled so tight like that," he said.   
Ginny shrugged indifferently. "It keeps it off my neck and out of my face. That's all I bloody ask of it."  
His eyes narrowed. "Did you cut it?"  
Ginny was still far far away from him. "Yes, to look nicer. Everyone tells me it worked. Dear God I must have looked like the biggest whore…"  
  
Draco felt unreasonable anger bubble in him. "You didn't look anything of the sort. What happened was not your fault, No-" he said as he saw her laps back into her previous state of self loathing "-No don't even go there. Ginny---" he reached to grab hold of her and force her to pay attention. But as he caught her arms she winced. At first he thought it was fear again but then he realized it was pain. Physical pain.   
  
Asking permission with his eyes he pushed the sleeves of her robes up. His jaw tightened. Old scars aside and even removing what he thought he could distinguish from the thorns of the Forbidden Forest her arms were butchered. The smaller wounds were already scabbing into twisted strands of congealed blood, but what alarmed him were the wide gashes leading up her arms stopping just below her shoulders. Silently he thanked the Powers that he had not hurt her when he gripped her shoulders earlier. His face pulled a cold expressionless masked to hide his anguish and he looked up into her troubled brown eyes.   
  
"This morning?" he asked letting his fingers trace over the thin red lines. Her skin was hurt, red and swollen. She nodded painfully. He looked at the other arm and saw a similar pattern. A thought was forming in his mind but he didn't voice it. "There's more, isn't there" he said. It was a statement not a question.   
  
He watched her movements as she flinched under his cold gaze. Twitches …across her chest? Suddenly he felt very very ill.   
  
"Tell me what happened," he barked. He saw her stiffen and regretted his tone. He hadn't meant to startle her…but if what was on her arms was on other parts of her body…She pulled away from him and he let her go, cursing mentally for scaring her. With out calculating he said, "I'm sorry. I know how that sounded harsh but if your hurt… anywhere else…I'm sorry this is all wrong. Your cutting is your own business---what is wrong with me?!" the last line came out in a cold hiss and seem to be directed to himself.  
  
Ginny looked at him through the crack in the ice mask he wore and saw what she had seen last night. Some one in pain trying looking for…understanding? Maybe. Quietly she said, "I woke up and I was confused. And then I remembered everything and I felt sick and dizzy… So I went to the bathroom. Threw up a few times. Then I could just see him and his hands---" she shuddered involuntarily. "I had to get clean… but I couldn't. No matter how much I tried I couldn't and the only way I thought I could get his filth off…." Her voice trailed off n to a cloud of heavy breathing. "I think I over did it."   
  
"You think?" he said sarcastically, looking over her injuries again. He looked suddenly at the knife she had not let go of since she had found it. "No more today," he said warily.   
  
She shook her head slightly, "No, no more."  
"Why didn't you heal these?" he asked, still amazed at the damage she had invoked. Only on his very worst days he had ever managed to do this sort of damage to himself. 'But then,' he thought sarcastically 'Coming with in a hair's width of being raped probably constitutes as one of the worst days of one's life.' But Ginny was speaking. "I didn't have time to bandage them so I cleaned them up and put a Curariousis Charm on them."  
  
"But that only stops the bleeding, doesn't heal anything," he said "If you had used an Aloevarious charm, these would all be gone."  
Ginny looked away until the cold of gaze made her look up trembling. "Aloevarious charms…they take all the pain out of the wound."  
  
Ginny shut her eyes she didn't want to know what he would make out of her statement. She needed the pain, even more than she needed the healing…she couldn't give it up even in a situation like this. Yes Draco knew and understood all too well. But pain or not those were dangerous and she needed to heal.   
  
Draco sighed and got up suddenly. "Come with me. We're going to my room. I have something there, a balm you can use. It will heal these as fast as anything Madame Pomfrey can give you."   
  
Ginny shook her head, "But I don't---"   
"Don't worry," he said cutting her off. "It will just speed up the healing… they'll still hurt like all bloody hell for the next few days. But the itching will start sooner. Reasonable?"  
  
Ginny stood up reluctantly after him "Okay," she said following him down. To heal was not a bad a thing, she told herself . It was a good thing, if she could only convince herself.   
  
Later Ginny headed back to her room with a phial of some sort of creamy liquid. The Gryffindor common room had a few people in it who waved absently at her when she came in. She identified all the sixth year girls (there were only two who stayed back for Christmas) and smiled knowing that the dorm would be empty. Neville was there showing one of the younger students who was also cursed with having a frog as a familiar how to feed the slimy green amphibians dead flies. Ginny throw a smile in his direction as she wandered up the stairs wearily to her room.   
  
She sat on her bed and uncorked the phial glancing around her. Suddenly her eyes caught a huge bouquet of blue and yellow irises. She blinked, shocked; she hadn't seen them that morning. Of course she hadn't seen anything at all when she woke up and later more pressing issues had been on her mind (namely not bleeding to death) but they were so beautiful! She walked over to them, touching the delicate blue petals lovingly. Her eye caught a card which she pick up and read:   
  
'We want you to be alright.'  
  
She drew her eyebrows up. Harry's hand? Yes it was Harry's hand. But he said 'we'. Harry and Draco? Putting the card down she quickly began to slather the balm on her open wounds. As soon as she was finished she decided she would talk to Draco again.   
  
  
Draco Malfoy threw himself on the bed of his secret room. When he had asked for it, his father had assumed that he wanted private space to practice forbidden arts in and had gladly twisted arms to get him the privilege. But Draco had wanted the room for an escape from all those prying, blood-sucking Slytherins. Their attitudes were understandable when directed towards the other students, but he certainly would not have himself subjected to it. He need space to think, plan and brood. Brooding was in the foreground today.  
  
'Well well,' he thought bitterly 'Time to start the Christmas celebration.' He took hold of the letter that had arrived by owl ten minutes before accompanied by a velvet green draw-string bag. The bag had money in it… his usual Christmas gift which he tossed aside with out a second thought. The letter… well what did Daddy Dearest have to wish him this year…  
  
"Dear Son,  
  
You did not return home for the holidays and I am greatly displeased. I will not tolerate insubordination from you. I can understand your wish to enjoy life before your proper training begins but this pointless delay is intolerable. Of course I cannot force you to come home, but willful disrespect of my orders will bring nothing but unnecessary pain to you. Very well. This act of yours will be over looked for now but as always everything has a price. If you are pulled out suddenly during the year to begin you training in the finer arts, do not be surprised and do not protest.  
  
The incident with Gregory Goyle has not be over looked as well. Even though it was Harry Potter who actually apprehended Goyle, Gregory seems to believe you were also there. WHY did you not intervene with Potter's actions? Magnus Goyle is an important friend of mine, I will not have his son objected to such ridicule. Of course he will no longer attend Hogwarts but a place is being arranged for him at Drumstads. I will deal with you later.   
  
Your mother sends her regards.   
Happy Christmas  
  
Lucious Malfoy"  
  
Draco nearly choked with disgusted. "He even had the audacity to end this with happy Christmas," he muttered furiously. Draco felt his anger rise to threatening heights. He'd have to kill some one to get through this day. But under the anger was fear. He had no control over what his father could choose to do to him. Reading the letter again he let anger get the better of him. Crumpling the letter and tossing it in the air he blasted it into a ball of flames that fell in a pile of ash to the floor three second later.   
  
And right then he noticed Ginny standing at his door. "WHAT are you doing here?" he barked furiously. He didn't even attempt to control the harshness of his voice. Damn her. Her timing was terrible.   
  
"I knocked. You didn't hear. So I used the 'Ajar' spell. I just wanted…" she saw the scowl smeared across his face "…Never mind. I'll leave." She turned around quickly, kicking herself for having been so off mark.   
  
Draco felt his anger being replaced by disgust. Self-disgust. On an impulse he said, "I got a letter from home," WHY did he also feel the need to explain himself to her? "… and I'm out for blood. You should run while I'm still in the mood to let you."   
  
Ginny looked at him standing, fists clenched by the door. He was dead serious. She wondered what could have been so bad to put him this mood. His face was shifting slowly from rage to that ice cold expressionlessness. Intuition flashed in her mind and she realized that he was in pain. "Ginny, I said get out of here." His voice cut through like a knife.   
She tilted her hair and then shook her head. "No," she said calmly. "I want to show you something."  
  
"Ginny in the name of Merlin---"  
  
She grabbed him by the shoulders and gave him a sudden hug. He was so shock he didn't have time react. Dazed his jaw set and stared her down. "Your risking more than you. Never do that again. I might seriously…."  
  
She shook her head again. He stared at her in disbelief. This girl didn't realize what he was… what he was capable of. "Ginny I'm SERIOUS!!!"  
  
"You promised you wouldn't hurt. I believe you."  
  
He opened his mouth to say something, to yell, to threaten, but the trust in her eyes made all his words choke in his throat.   
  
"I want to give you something," she said grabbing his hand and leading him down the hall. "I want to give you a Christmas present," she said laughing suddenly.   
  
She began running down some unknown hall avoiding all the obvious corridors so they would not be spotted. Of course the staircases shifted on the way but she didn't seem to care. The closer they came to her destination the faster she went, her hair streaming behind her in a wave of red. Draco felt like he was watching himself in some out of body experience. It was in no way possible that he was allowing himself to be lead by this girl to Merlin knows where to have her give him a Christmas gift! But some where inside he wanted this (whatever it was) more than he wanted to throttle a first year student (his usual way of dealing with letters form home) and even though he had no idea where he was going, he knew it was better than where he was coming from.   
  
  
I hate this chapter. Oh well. Next chapter, you'll see what Ginny has in mind and the Dream Team comes home for Christmas. 


	3. Gifts

Disclaimer: They're not mine.   
  
  
Okay First off, I'm lowering the rating on this… it won't be up to R for a few more chapters. I want to thank all of the people who reviewed and I would like to ask you all to forgive me for all the mistakes I make. See I have to write this at college, which is distracting enough…   
  
This chapter: the Dream Team's home.  
  
And now we're grown up orphans   
That never knew their names   
Don't belong to no one  
That's a shame  
You could hide beside me  
Maybe for a while   
and I won't tell no one your name   
I won't tell em' your name   
Scars are souvenirs you never lose   
The past is never far   
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there   
Did you get to be a star?  
  
(Name: GooGoo Dolls)  
  
Persephone is pronounced: Per-se(short e)-fo (long o)-nee  
  
The cold wind hit him like a resilient slap across the face and Draco gasped at the chill. Ginny still had him by the hand and was now racing across the snow-frosted Hogwarts grounds oblivious it seemed to the cold.   
  
The wind was shifty and their breaths came out in thick clouds of frothy steam. Draco felt himself gasping into the cold air and wondered if Ginny was all right in her threadbare robes… but the girl seemed positively luminous in front of him dashing through the snow as careless as a child. He began to seriously wonder where they were going when suddenly she stopped, so quickly that he almost ran right into her.   
  
"Ginny, what are we----"   
  
"Shh!" she ordered. Letting go of him, she turned around slowly her gaze far away like she was looking or listening for something. Draco blinked at her slowly… what was going with this girl? What was she---  
  
But all thoughts stopped as she started to hum, softly. Suddenly Draco felt the hairs on his neck stand up. It felt like a ripple of energy ran across and through him. He almost asked her what was happening but before he could find the words he felt the wind pickup and sweep over them funneling upward sending Ginny's hair flying. It whistled between them in a sad soft tune that weaved around them and yet no where else, but before Draco could marvel at it he saw the song was coming from Ginny… or she completed it, or perhaps they were both part of one spell that he didn't know. 'What is this magic?' he thought amazed, not bothering to try and speak.   
  
That's when it started to snow. Riding the wind, a sky full of ice crystals seemed to swirl down around them. At first he was too caught up in watching Ginny, lost in her own delight, she seemed to have forgotten him; but then he realized their own private blizzard wasn't cold. And it wasn't falling to ground.   
  
And it wasn't snow.   
  
Draco felt his breath hitch in his chest.   
Ice Pixies.   
He was watching a haze of thousands of little ice pixies.   
  
The idea had barely registered in his head when he caught sight of Ginny watching him, laughing. With a thought she had made the dance of little faeries incorporate him as well. Draco swallowed painfully as he watched them dart around his eyes, stopping to look at him in the midst of their dance as though he was the strange in their little world.  
  
Draco felt his senses shift to overload. Never in his life had he seen anything as incredible as this: a tiny red head in a storm of faeries. Ginny was dancing with them in her own way around and around him, until he was dizzy from watching her and watching them. Then suddenly she gave a great sigh and fell straight down in the snow laughing impishly. In a flash the wind stopped and every pixies vanished as if sucked into the snow.   
  
Draco came to his knees in the snow next to her, still too stunned to say anything, when she sat up suddenly breathing heavily. Her hair was everywhere and her face was flushed and brilliant. She was still laughing when she said, "Happy Christmas, Draco"  
  
Draco didn't trust his voice just then to say anything that wouldn't sound incredibly stupid so instead he feigned that he hadn't heard her. Suddenly he realized the answer to a question that had puzzled him for months.   
  
"This is what you used to do on those days when you would come in all flushed and out of breath? You were here? With those-those---"   
  
"Pixies? Yes. Well not always," she said matter-of-a-fact-ly "That is not always pixies. Sprites and faeries too. Elves. Whatever happens to come. Little people."  
  
Draco shook his head slowly trying--and failing-not to look impressed. "I don't know you. Nobody does. How many more secrets about you do I have to find out? Is the roll of the poor plain school girl just a day job for you?"  
  
He wondered if she would upset as his reference to her, but she just laughed again with some uncontainable joy he didn't quite understand. He looked her over carefully then in a newer light than before:  
Ginny was not pretty. Especially next to the likes of Lavender Brown or Amanda Pimmernell and other Gryffindor beauties. She was too thin and pail, her eyes were too big, and she had those ridiculous freckles splatters across the bridge of her nose. No he decided she would never be conventionally pretty. But right then, flushed and laughing she looked completely beautiful.  
  
  
  
"Good King Wencesless looked out  
On the feast of Stevens  
When the snow lay round about  
Deep and crisp and even"  
  
Hermione was playing the carol on the piano in her living room, gaining the undivided attention of her family as they sat around her listening on the floor. Mr. And Mrs. Granger were thrilled at their daughter's progress and Ron was sitting next to her on the piano bench paying more attention to her curving smile than her playing. It was the picture of a perfect Christmas, a large glittering tree with Christmas decorations and presents scattered all around. A fire was crackling in the hearth and Crookshanks was curled up like a huge ball of fur on the sofa. Everything was perfect… except the forlorn look of Harry crouched moodily on the windowsill, nose pressed against the glass.   
  
He had every reason to enjoy this Christmas. Hermione's parents had welcomed them all in as warmly as was possible and had made special efforts to ensure everyone had a good time. Ron and Hermione had intentionally put a curb on their romance to include Harry, and some of their old threesome friendship had returned as a result. It would have been perfect… except for the fact that Harry just couldn't pull himself into it. No matter how he tried he couldn't absorb everyone's Christmas spirit.   
  
The truth was he was worried sick. The night of the Yule ball it had all seemed to make sense. Ginny needed space to recover from her incident with Goyle and Draco had practically ordered him to leave. 'She needs a break from the Dream Team,' he had said. But now in the light of morning Harry couldn't for the life of him remember why he had listened.   
  
'All admit, I was shocked,' he thought to himself rationally as he watched the frost creep slowly across the pane. 'Who wouldn't have been? But how on earth did I let that -that-prat-convince me that the right thing to do was to leave her alone with him?!' Harry shuddered. Every time he thought of Ginny alone with Draco Malfoy he felt ill. 'Like leaving a wounded deer with a wolf,' he thought angrily… or in this case, a Dragon.  
  
"--- I say HARRY! Where the blood hell have you drifted off to?"  
  
Harry jerked out of his thoughts to see a puzzled looking Ron towering over him. It was ridiculous how tall his best friend had gotten.  
  
"Sorry, what were you saying?" said Harry feeling sheepish at the annoyed look Ron was passing him.   
  
"I asked,---THREE TIMES--- if you had heard from Sirius. What's gotten into you, Harry? You're not even the slightest bit here."  
  
Harry dragged his hands through his messy hair sighing. "Sorry, Ron. Was just thinking about school and all. Don't mind me, just go ahead with whatever you were doing."  
  
Ron's shoulders slumped and he sat down heavily next to Harry on the window seat. "Alright, mate, let's have it out. What on earth is going on? This whole holiday you've been a million miles away! Mione's starting to worry about you, and frankly so am I. You should be happier than a March hare, but I haven't seen you smile since we left Hogwarts."   
  
Harry rotated his shoulders and then pressed his face against the window again. "I am sorry… I know I've been rather useless---"  
  
"Completely useless," Ron corrected.  
  
"Alright then, completely useless," continued Harry grinning. "But I'm fine really, just a bit low for some reason."  
  
Concern crossed Ron's face as he gave Harry a once over. "You're scar's not hurting again is it?" he said biting his lip.   
"No no," Harry said assuredly "Nothing like that… just….we should have brought Ginny with us."  
  
As soon as he said the words he regretted them. He waited for Ron's well-versed threat to break his face, when Hermione came over to them.   
  
"Well if it isn't Gray and Grayer. You two haven't looked this cheerful since third year when we had those Dementors drifting all over the place," said Hermione as she nestled herself in between them curling half up on Ron's lap.   
  
Ron seemed to debate between calling Harry on his remark and tickling the unsuspecting Hermione. Tickling won.  
  
"Well," he said as he let his fingers drift over her side to reach the sensitive part of her ribs "I was trying to find out what was eating our gloomy old Harry---" presently his dialogue was cut short by a peal of gasping laughter from Hermione. "Stop it! STOP IT RON!" she squealed as he continued to tickle her ignoring the plea. He continued, "But he won't say, even though I fail to see how anyone can not be cheered by the sight of our prim and proper Head Girl doubled over under her outlawed boyfriend begging for mercy." By this time Hermione was gasping and Harry had to laugh in spite of himself. Sometimes he wondered if these two were the same people who had fought over how to pronounce 'Wingardium Leviosa' in their first year.   
  
When tears were finally rolling down Hermione's cheeks Ron let her go. Hermione pulled herself up, laughing and pushing her uncontrollable hair out of the way. "So my dear outlawed boyfriend, what should we do with this human rain cloud?" she said grinning mischievously. Ron smiled back with almost the same expression. "I think love, that we our thinking along the same track." Harry wondered what the two were on about until suddenly they both leaped forward and wrestled him to the ground. Seconds later Harry was being tickled with in every inch of his life. Laughing manically he gasped, "Alright! ALRIGHT! Mercy MERCY! I'll smile, just let off you two." He pulled himself up heaving from the floor clutching his sides as his friends watched him each laughing in his own turn. Shaking his head at the two he realized then how lucky he was to have them as friends to help him through thick and thin. But just as suddenly as the joy came it passed as he wondered, who did Ginny have to turn to when she was down?   
  
Later that evening Harry threw himself down in the guest room of the Granger home, exhausted but unable to sleep. He couldn't stop thinking about Ginny, alone in Hogwarts. What had possessed him to leave her? He couldn't go back, that would be too much of an insult to the Grangers hospitality and besides what excuse did he have for leaving? And what would he do once he got there? As he closed his eyes he watched a whirl-wind of images flash across his eyes. Ginny… the little girl who had waved good bye to him at the train his first year of Hogwarts, the shuddering figure that was collapsed in the Chamber of Secrets, the girl who had spin around the Gryffindor common room in a swarm of fire sprites in the middle of the night and the pale trembling figured laying torn apart on Draco's bed. But of all these pictures, the most terrifying to him was the sight of her sliding that copper blade in the form of a dragon's tongue down her arm. The look she had of longing, pain and desperate hope and something that looked almost like a craving as she watched the blade glide over her skin… He felt his body shake at the thought. When had that tiny freckled girl on platform 9 and ¾ become the same person who would look at a blade with such longing? Harry turned over restlessly. Draco was right about one thing… Harry didn't have a clue what she was going through or who she was anymore. 'But that will change,' he thought defiantly. 'Once I get back, everything's going to change.'   
  
Of course he thought, he couldn't go empty handed. He ought to get her gift of some sort… he wondered if she had liked the flowers? He didn't usually get Ginny a gift but this year was different. Ron would just have to cope, he thought. Or perhaps he could give it to her in private and than Ron would never have to know, he thought less smugly. But what to get her?   
Clothing seemed wrong, almost too personal, besides he hadn't a clue what she would like. What did you get girls as presents? Jewelry? Perfume? If he got her something like that it would be as if he was asking for Ron to kill him. Besides he reasoned, he wanted to give her something she needed. Or something she really wanted…  
  
His mind was blank. Looking at his wristwatch he saw it was nearly three in the morning. Well he had two weeks to think about it. He rolled over (for the umpteenth time) to go to sleep, when a rustling at the window startled him. Rubbing his eyes he looked and saw Hedwig flapping at the window. Getting up he promptly tripped over his on feet before he reached the window and opened it to let his beloved owl in. She had a letter. Looking at it closer he realized it was from Sirius. Harry's face broke into a wide grin as he turned on the light to read the letter. It was brief as usual stating that his godfather was well and safe and that he wished Harry a Happy Christmas. After reading the letter Harry stuffed it in between his clothing; he would burn it in the morning just to be safe. Crawling back into bed, Harry closed his eyes and tried to relax and get himself to sleep. He felt the careful preening of Hedwig as she pecked him lovingly on the chin and he smoothed her feathers down drowsily when an idea came to him and he knew exactly what he would get Ginny. If he guessed right, it would be perfect.   
  
Ginny watched as the muscles lining Draco's jaw relaxed and his eyes lost a certain amount of their icy sharpness… In the past two weeks she had learned that this was a sign that his mind had wondered. She took the opportunity to slowly inch up the sleeves of her wooly jumper (brilliant blue with a large yellow V in the front) and carefully, so as not to attract his attention, she began to scratch…  
  
His reaction was instantaneous. Catching her hands in his grip tightly he yelled, "Ginny, for the bloody fifth THOUSANDTH time leave the damn scabs alone! If I see you picking at them again I'll use a Jelly-Bones curse on you!"  
  
Ginny groaned sulkily. "It itches! It itches all the time and it's driving me mad!"  
With the no trace of sympathy at all Draco smiled bitterly. "Well, what did you expect? After all this time you ought to know the result of your work," he said indicating the scabby remnants of her Christmas morning cutting. At the pained look in her eyes he continued gentler, "Come on now… You got past the pain, you'll survive the itching. That's a sign that it's healing after all. You keep scratching those and you'll tear them all open again. Don't you want the bleeding to stop?"  
  
Ginny nodded wearily disengaging her hands from his fingers. "I do… but the itch is worse than pain."  
"Then not scratching is the real test of strength," he replied. Her face automatically straightened and her expression hardened. "Right then," she said and rolled her sleeves down.   
  
Draco smirked to himself… the best results in bending her strong will was to challenge her strength. In the past fortnight he knew all to well how strong-willed she could be IF she put her mind to something. But with Ginny the will rarely seemed to arise unless someone questioned her ability. As soon as Draco had discovered the trick he used it frequently, forcing her to prove herself, showing her indirectly that she was not as weak as she was often portrayed by her school image; relying on the unfathomable understanding they seemed to have to relay to her that his testiness was only skin deep.   
He was learning about her life in bits in pieces, stringing together the clues piece at a time. But the vacation ended today and all the rest of Hogwarts would be back soon… so he watched her carefully out of the corner of his eye and asked, "The jumper (she had worn it ever since the second day of Christmas), was that a gift from your folks?"  
  
Ginny snuggled down in the jumper with a smile. "Yeah, mum makes them every year for all of us. I'm lucky this year, I got blue. For years and years she insisted on making mine pink and it looked awful with my hair. Poor Ron still gets maroon. It will be his bane in life, wearing maroon… he hates that color. But it seems that everything his size is in awful shades of reddish-brown."  
  
Draco's eyes narrowed. "There are how many of you? Seven? And you mum nits All of you sweaters every bloomin' year? She must be bored…or loony."  
  
"She loves us!" shouted Ginny in indignation.   
"Then you ARE willing to admit that she does," snapped back Draco "We're making progress."  
  
Ginny felt her body fall slackly against a wooden chest that was part of the clutter in the room they were in. "I never said my parents didn't love me. Sometimes, I remember on holidays before Ron and I started going to Hogwarts and we celebrated Christmas at home… the love seemed tangible, like a web of gold you could touch with your hand. Mum… she loved having a girl at home after all those boys. Sometimes I rather think she would have liked me to be a Squib so I could stay with her." Ginny's face darkened slightly. "Course, she was disappointed how little like a girl I acted."  
  
Draco's eyes widened. "Liked climbing trees more than playing with your dolls?"  
  
"Well what do you expect with six brothers? Though I ran off more for my faeries than to because I wanted to be tomboyish. I knew how to climb trees before I knew what a doll was. Had to escape after all from Fred, George and their creations."  
  
Draco laughed acidly. "Those two were born crackpots."  
Ginny scowled, "They're BRILLIANT! Incredible inventors…" her voice dropped "But they were always looking for test subjects."  
"And who better than the defenseless little sister," continued Draco glowering.   
  
Ginny made a face. "Their really sweet sometimes. The best people to have at a party. They can make you laugh even when you don't want to…" 'Which is rarely a good thing,' thought Draco. "…they're a happy break from Percy. Though Perce does get the rough end of the stick a lot."  
  
Draco clucked his tongue. The girl, he noticed, loved her family… they drove her insane but she would not concede to their faults without stating ten things in their favor first. She should have been in Hufflepuff with that kind of loyalty. Then he remembered the shrewd determination her face often got…no she was Gryffindor born and bred.  
  
"You got those older blokes too don't you?" he asked.  
  
Ginny nodded. "Yeah Bill and Charlie. I hardly know Bill. He was so much older than me. Well only nine years, but that put him in Hogwarts when I was only two. Charlie… he was my hero though. Don't know why he even noticed me but he did. The year Ron went to Hogwarts for the first time, he gave me a Seerosphere to watch him work in Romania with his dragons…I love the dragons. Always have. Even the dangerous ones," she said smiling with that distant fiery look in her eyes. That smile, Draco decide, was completely disarming. It should have been outlawed.   
  
"So you were either the left over, or the favorite… nice family planning I'll say," muttered Draco. Though his expression changed from snarl to grimace to sneer at will, his eyes never left her face.   
  
"Oh things were fine really at home… really. Until I came to Hogwarts. Then there was that-that-diary." Ginny's throat constricted and Draco shuddered. He remembered with startling clarity how his father had fumed about his plan not working that summer while he blasted about the house and took to thrashing his mother daily. He knew that somehow Ginny had been controlled into releasing a Baliskis and petrifying three people plus Mrs. Norris. He remembered only too well what it felt like to be under an Imperius Curse (his father had given him a taste of THAT early in life) but to be controlled into near killing? As he looked at her small freckled face now pale and drawn he felt another bubbling spurt of rage erupt in him. Oh how he hated Lucious Malfoy.   
  
"My parents panicked. The whole family panicked. I was scared at first, but they smothered me. Wouldn't let me go anywhere, or talk to anyone. Even Charlie clamped down on me. I wanted to scream and rage to show them I was okay but I couldn't… I just swallowed it. But that started a streak in the family. And it got worse and worse… Until all of them managed to convince themselves that I was really a helpless little girl who stopped aging at eleven. It hurt, Draco… it still does."  
  
Draco scowled, focusing on a point just beyond her shoulder. "They all sound nutty… but you know over protection isn't that bad. It could be much much worse…"   
  
Ginny chewed on her lip gently before she asked him, "What are your parents like? Is it--- REALLY bad at home?"   
  
She watched as a sheet of ice crawled over his expression. That was his pain mask. She wondered if maybe it was a bad question. She almost told him to forget about it when he said, "My mother's almost dysfunctional. Not her fault, of course but Father's got her broken into a perfect little shell. She used to be… but it really doesn't matter. Course outside we're all perfect. Domineering, respectful father, beautiful, disdainful wife and the obedient, crafty son. Inside there is just my father and the rest falls to the side, in shambles."   
  
Ginny shook her head slowly in wonder. Even in her darkest hours family still meant warmth to her, warmth that could burn sometimes, but warmth nonetheless. But the picture Draco painted was beyond her imagination. "But Draco, surely he loves you, your father I mean. You're his son, he has to…"  
  
Draco's harsh laughter made her cringe. "Death Eaters can't love. It's a distraction a weakness, something they can't afford to deal with. Of course I sought some sort of love from him for a while… a kind of acceptance; a regard. But Father's love is like a spider's bite. The first shot of poison feels warm… then turns icy cold until it freezes you over and kills everything inside."  
  
His face had gone so cold and dark that Ginny felt a true shot of fear travel down her spine. But just then the pain broke through the mast and she caught a glimpse of how much hurt was really swimming around inside him. On impulse she leaned forward…  
  
"OOOOUUUUCHH! What are you doing?!!" he shouted, grabbing his arm away. Ginny giggled. "I pinched you. Hmmm…. Yes you can still feel pain…" she leaned forward again and laid her ear against his chest. Draco was completely taken by surprise again as she straightened herself and said, "And I hear a definite heart beat. Congratulations Draco Malfoy, for the time being it seems you have survived the spider's bite. You are still alive which I am certainly glad for." Then she hit him with that smile again and he fought the urge to snarl at the warmth that flooded over him every time she did that. No, that smile was going to have to be taken care of.  
  
Draco looked suddenly at his wristwatch. "You had better get out of here. The Dream team's going to be home entirely too soon. Wouldn't want to be caught franchising with the enemy," he muttered. Ginny laughed softly, but stood up and left quickly only looking back to flash him a quick version of that damned Weasely grin. When she left Draco felt himself fall back heavily against the wall. He felt drained and oddly exposed like he always did after one of these talks. Caring… caring was a dangerous thing he decided. Very dangerous. But once you started you couldn't seem to control it. No wonder people like his father never let themselves begin.   
  
  
Ginny was sitting in the Common room with Neville. She had stolen a slip of a plant from Sprout's garden a week before and had put in water to root. Then she planted it and tied a blue ribbon around the pot. Nervously she had presented the gift to Neville who (after insisting it was unnecessary) had been delighted and was now telling her what it was.   
  
"See, Ginny, it's a Phoenix Tongue plant." He should her the pointy leaves and then focused on the newly swelling bud. "The bud will grow and then burst open into a fiery red blossom. But the real treat is in the juice from the seedpods, leaves and stems… they are brilliant for healing burns."  
  
Ginny nodded smiling; she was glad to see Neville happy about something. They both seemed to silently agree not to bring up the incident of Christmas morning ever again. Neville told her the plant needed water and went to put it up in his room, leaving her alone in the common. After a few moments when it seemed he would not be coming down again she herself stood to head up to her dorm when suddenly she heard, "Merry Christmas Ginny Winny!" and she felt herself being swung up in big bear hug.   
  
"Ron, you're home!" she said as he put her down. Hermione hugged her next returning her back to Ron who started rubbing his knuckles in her hair. "We missed you Gin," he said smiling. Hermione nodded saying, "Next time you come with us."  
  
"Hello, Ginny." She stiffened at the voice. It was Harry.   
  
"Hi Harry," she said wincing at how much her voice trembled. Ron was hulling in a huge basket and Hermione was setting out belated Christmas gifts, but Harry just stood there looking her over. "Are you all right?" he asked suddenly. Ginny felt herself stiffen further. "Of course I am," she replied, "Why wouldn't I be?"   
  
Harry almost groaned out loud. This was not going well. But before he could try again Ron grabbed Ginny's hand and dragged her over to the basket. "The Grangers were supper, Gin, they sent you a huge Christmas hamper when fudge and cake and these little tarts called 'strawberry-rhubarb' and…"  
  
"And there for you, NOT Ron, because he already ate us out of house and home," said Hermione laughing. Ron looked indignant. "I was NOT going to eat any, I was just showing her! Honestly, Mione, you wound me."  
"Yeah," mutter Hermione, "Like you wounded our kitchen."  
"Your parents encouraged us to eat!"  
"But the chocolate chips were for baking with not snacking on and really three quarts of orange juice a day?"  
"Well you mother said it was good for me!"  
  
"Already making up to the future in-laws," said Ginny slyly. Ron swung around and scowled at her while Hermione and Harry burst into another fit of laughter. Ron rolled his eyes but quickly changed the subject. "Well, we'll leave the hamper for later. Present Time. We didn't send them because we wanted to give them to you in person. But by the by, the Canons poster you sent was brilliant! It'll make Dean's ballfoot poster looks so ridiculous---"  
  
"Football," corrected Hermione automatically. Ron ignored her. Tossing Ginny a small package he said, "These are from me."  
  
Ginny opened the paper quickly and revealed two pairs of gloves, one white pair and the other a very pretty blue, both were just palm gloves and exposed the fingers. They were very soft and seemed to be made out of some kind of suede. "Hermione calls them 'kid gloves' even though she promises that ladies wear them…" but he was cut off by an impulsive hug.  
  
"Occasionally, just by accident you're absolutely wonderful," said Ginny, grinning as Ron turned beet red.  
  
"Come one now, my turn," said Hermione handing her a box wrapped in silver paper.   
  
Ginny opened the box and lifted out a device that appeared to be a circlet of silver on a stand. Ginny gasped. "Hermione, I can't accept this. A Memorisphere costs a fortune. I can't…"   
Hermione, waved her hand as if brushing the protests out of the way. "Don't go being noble on me, Gin. I got it on sale at Diagon Alley, ask Ron."  
  
Ginny looked questioningly at Ron but he smiled and nodded. "Take it Gin, and try it out. See if it works."  
  
Ginny looked warily at the sparkling device. In her mind she thought of a very clear memory; one of her childhood in the woods behind her house. Laying her hand in the ring it began to spin swiftly, until it formed a glowing sphere. Then it became swarming with colors that formed the image of her memory, a five year old girl climbing a large oak tree. Ginny gasped and clasped her hands together as the memory played out like a movie on the surface of the sphere. Then slowly the colors faded and the ring came to a halt.   
  
Ron laughed, ruffling her hair. "You were terribly cute back then, Ginny." Ginny mock scowled at him before hugging Hermione. "It's a wonderful gift, Herms. I don't deserve you."   
Hermione beamed and Ginny gathered up her things to head up to the dorms.   
  
"Ginny, wait." She stopped. It was Harry again.   
  
"I got you a gift."  
Ginny felt her breath catch. 'Dear Lord, please don't let him blow this for me,' she thought. Turning slowly she hid her discomfort with a trite smile. "Harry, you shouldn't have," she said lightly. The whole atmosphere had changed in the room. Ron was staring stupidly at Harry as though he could believe his ears and Hermione had instinctively take hold of his arm as if to hold him back in case he decided to suddenly attack Harry.  
  
Harry pointedly avoided looking at Ron and began to gently rummage in a basket, which was mixed in with his bags.   
"Close your eyes and hold out your hands," he said.   
  
Ginny raised an eyebrow but complied if only to end this episode before Ron snapped out of his daze and decided to kill the boy.   
  
Eyes closed she felt something soft and furry placed in her hands. Startled her eyes snapped open to reveal a kitten soft and silvery, and tabby stripes sleeping in her hands. Just then it's eyes opened and it gave a large yawn, meowing.   
  
For a moment she was too shocked for words. Then instinctively she took the tiny ball of fur and rubbed it against he cheek reveling in the soft fur and the vibrations of its breathing.   
  
"Oh Harry… it's…"  
"She. It's a girl. I haven't named her…"  
  
Ginny sat down allowing the tiny creature to climb up her jumper and tip toe over her shoulders, rubbing her furry head against Ginny's neck. "She so tiny… and so pretty! A name? What should I call you little one?"  
Harry walked over to her and sat down leaning over her arm enjoying the sight of her happy and his being the cause.  
  
"Well pick something pretty…kinda sweet…"  
"Persephone."   
  
Harry raised an eyebrow. "What?"  
"Persephone," she repeated. Then looking up at him she said, "She wonderful Harry, really wonderful. Thank you so much." She wasn't sure what to do, but she took his hand and squeezed it then gathered her things and ran up stairs.   
  
Ron in the mean time watched the exchange with changing emotions. His first thought was of course to go for blood. But then when he saw the look on Ginny face he melted. Whatever Harry's intentions he had made his sister happy. And , thought Ron, Ginny hadn't seemed her normal self in while. Hermione's grip on his arm was a warning he knew and he was likely to get in huge row with her if he made a scene. Slowly relaxing himself, he loosened Hermione's grip and walked over to Harry stiffly.   
  
"Well, you seem to have out shined us mate. Why didn't you tell us you had gotten her something?"  
  
Harry shrugged and said "I didn't feel like coming to Hogwarts with a black eye. Doesn't do well for first impressions." He held his breath, though.   
  
"Well fine," said Ron after a moment. "But, Harry, be very careful, alright?" then switching the subject drastically he said, "Persephone? Where the hell does she get her names? Not bad enough cursing my poor owl with a name like Pigwigeon, but Persephone?"  
  
Hermione spoke up, "I'm not sure she made it up… if I remember right that's a goddess of some sort."  
  
Harry looked up surprised. "A Goddess? Of what?"  
  
Hermione shrugged. "The stories change. But she was the daughter of Zeus and Demeter. Demetor, her mum, controlled rains and grain and stuff. Some stories say she was taken by force and others say she fell in love but the end result was that she was taken to the underworld to rule with Hades as his wife. Her mother was grief ridden and all the crops failed and she insisted that her daughter be brought back. Finally Zeus brought her back but she eaten the fruit of the underworld and she had to say there by law, some soul binding thing or another. End result was that she spent six months with Hades in the underworld, the winter months because her mother was in grief and six month above with her parents, which were the summer months. Ginny probably got the name from there."  
  
Ron snickered happily, "Yeah right, Mione, you're probably the only person in Hogwarts whose ever heard that story. Come one lets get this stuff up stairs."  
  
But Harry listened and felt his heart sink. He doubted very much it was a coincidence.   
  
  
  
  
  
Happy day this is done! Chapter four is light enough, but I'll get back in angst swing soon enough. Next chapter is a Harry and Draco show down.   
  
Aaren: Bent is one of my favorite songs as well, good taste on your part  
  
Lisa Cove: Sorry about the chapter mix up I'm trying to fix it.   
  
Mignonne-and-Sellene : Good guess ;)  
  
Nemmie: Sorry about typos I'm working on it.   
  
Firesprite: Thanx for the beta offer. I need one. But I can't write people I don't know. But if I could you'd be my first choice. 


	4. Fragile

Disclaimer: They're not mine.  
  
Some ugly language in this chapter.  
  
  
she shines  
in a world full of ugliness  
she matters  
when everything is meaningless  
  
fragile  
she doesn't see her beauty  
she tries to get away  
sometimes  
it's just that nothing seems worth saving  
I can't watch her slip away  
  
I won't let you fall apart  
  
she reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by  
hoping someone will see  
if I could fix myself I'd -  
but it's too late for me  
  
I won't let you fall apart  
  
we'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide  
I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side  
...but they keep waiting  
...and picking...  
  
I was there, too  
I was like you  
  
( Fragile: Nine Inch Nails)  
  
  
  
  
CRASH!!!  
  
Draco felt with satisfaction the crack of the bat hitting the bludger into space. Of course he wasn't a beater but at that moment the idea of doing diving techniques to catch a snitch just wasn't what he wanted. The bludger made another pass at him and he hit it again with another crack. He could have been a better beater than he was seeker, but when he insisted to his father that he had to have the seeker position, his main goal had been to beat Harry, with out any real thought as to what he was good at.   
  
CRACK!!!  
  
The bludger was getting nastier and despite his natural aptitude he was not trained to be a beater. Sooner or later he was going to get hit by the thing but at this particular time he didn't care.   
  
Damn Harry for coming back. Oh he had been busy… Draco had seen the kitten the day after she arrived. Ginny was thrilled, of course and she had every right to be… what could be more perfect for someone like her, than something to hold and to love. The kitten was perfect. The flowers had been perfect. Perfect. Harry was perfect. The perfect gentleman, the perfect knight in shining armor, the perfect prick.   
  
The bludger came shooting at him and slammed painfully into his stomach knocking him right off his broom. Blessed pain to stop his fuming. He fumbled up and caught the bludger, strapping it down in it's case, before it could make another pass at him. Pulling himself up slowly he hulled the case up and carried it back to Hooch's store room. Kicking the door opened he practically threw the case down, leaning over, hands on his knees to catch his breath. Standing up slowly he almost groaned, but not in pain. Standing in front of him was the last person on earth he wanted to see right then. Harry.   
  
Harry started when he saw Malfoy enter the room. He was really there to practice his catching, but upon seeing Draco he realized how much he had been itching to talk to him. He didn't know why but it seemed important. He told himself it was to try and get the boy to tell him what had happened during the holidays, but Harry knew inside it was more that that. He really wanted to know what was going on now between him and Ginny. Clearing his throat he said, "Hello Malfoy."  
  
Draco tossed him a dirty look but made no response. 'What the bloody hell does he think he's doing?' he thought acidly. But Harry kept pushing. "Malfoy, look, you can a least answer if I saw hello."  
  
"Fuck off Harry," Draco spat back, unceremoniously.  
  
Harry felt his indignation rise. "There is no need to talk like that! For the love of Merlin I just said Hello! Would it kill you to be civil?"  
  
"Why the hell should I be civil to you? You come in here with this 'hail the conquering hero' attitude and I'm suppose to buy it? Do me a favor and drop dead."   
  
"Look, I thought now that we had a common cause---"  
  
Draco spun around furious. "COMMON CAUSE??!!!! Is that what you consider Ginny? A CAUSE?! You make me sick, you know that? You come back here The Great Knight in Shining Armor came to save the poor Damsel in Distress from the Fire Breathing Dragon---"  
  
"ICE breathing! You're to dead to breathe fire!"  
  
Draco turn away from him in disgust snarling, "I don't have time for this or for you. Nothing's changed. You still don't have a clue about what you're dealing with. And you know what? You're not going to find out either. You know why? Because you're afraid of what you'd find if you looked at Ginny for what she is. Afraid that she wouldn't be your poor trapped child to rescue; afraid that she'd be like me."  
  
Harry felt so angry he actually see himself using an Unforgivable Curse on Draco. Raging he said, "Like YOU?! Ludicrous! No matter what she does or how she feels she's still a human being which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for you! "  
  
But he had gone too far and even he knew it. Before he could retract what he said Draco launched himself at Harry. Two seconds later Harry was flat on his back with a bloody nose and Draco above him fist balled ready for a second serving. "Look I'm SORR---" Draco slammed his fist into his face again. Harry grabbed Draco's free arm and flipped him aside. Scrambling up he pulled himself out of Draco's way shouting, "Look I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry!!" Draco stood glowering fists still ready to beat him up at a moments notice.   
  
"Look Draco, whatever our differences, we're supposed to be on the same side. You're not my enemy--" he said as if to convince himself.   
  
But Draco made it easier on him, "Oh I'm not, am I? Well make no mistake, Harry, YOU are mine."   
  
And with that he walk out of the room. Harry shouted behind him, "You'd better be careful Malfoy! Because if she gets worse, if you hurt her in ANY way, I'll kill you. I mean IT! I'll be watching…"  
  
But he was shouting to an empty room.   
  
  
  
In the following days Harry was true to his word. He watched as often as he could in between classes and Quiditch. And what he saw confused him. Ginny was nicer to him after Persephone, but he was still clearly on the outside. Sometimes he would catch her… a look on her face, the twitch of her fingers and an alarm would go off in his head. But when he tried to corner her at those times it was like she didn't see him, like she didn't see anything except some unfathomable pain that he couldn't get near. But almost worse for him were the days when she passed by him breathless and fiery, smiling at some private happiness that he had no part in. He wanted to shake her, to make her see that he cared and that he wanted to help but there was a glass barrier between him that he couldn't seem break.  
  
And Draco… he confuse Harry most of all. He was impossible, vicious and cruel to everyone within a ten foot radius, but it was like Ginny didn't see it. Was she blind? Draco was obviously trouble and it was impossible for her not realize what he did. But when he tormented The Creevey brothers, threw nasty comments at Hermione, or antagonized Ron to near murder, she never batted an eye. And what was worse was that on the worst days when he went from annoying and nasty to down right brutal, sometimes their gazes would meet and for a split second Harry could feel some sort of connection they made, even though neither of their expressions changed. What did she SEE in him? And why didn't he, the boy who lived, the boy who had held the monopoly of her crush for years, the one who wanted to help, have it?  
  
  
  
Ginny threw herself down on the bed leaving her eyes to debate about crying. The tears were there, welling up under her lids, but would she cry? It didn't matter, her knife had already done it's job and the mesh work of thin red lines criss-crossing her arms was proof of that. The sting was almost enough to drown out the lump that had moved into her chest. Almost.   
  
It had been a tedious day, little mistakes, little misunderstandings, leaving a whole atmosphere that screamed to her how she was just ten degrees off balance… on an edge about to fall  
  
Ginny squeezed her eyes shut. No she would not cry. What was the point now, besides making her nose red and her eyes red and when that happened she looked like a skinny shriveled tomato. She wouldn't cry, but she let this new hurt on her skin wash over her and make all the other thoughts go away…  
  
Meow.   
  
Ginny opened her eyes.   
  
Meow.  
  
Rolling over she saw her tinny little Persephone clawing her way on to the bed to come and comfort her mistress. Ginny felt her spirits rise. She had never had a Familiar before. Familiars, like everything else in the Weasely household got passed down and none had been available that far down the line of Weasely children since Scabbers had turned out to be that miserable creature Pettigrew. But she had Persephone now and soon the kitten found her way to Ginny's neck where she began to rub herself in that ticklish kitty way and then climbed up on Ginny's stomach where she meowed again as if to ask what was wrong.  
  
Ginny felt those tears come despite her resolve. She loved her little fur-ball very very much. Pulling her self in sitting position she gathered Persephone in a ball in her lap. "You see Perse, some days are good, and some days are horrible; but the very worst are the days when you hurt inside in all the wrong places and you're not even sure why… but no matter how hard you try an ignore it just eats away at you… This has been one of those days."  
  
Persephone was purring contently in her hands as Ginny rubbed her head absently, remembering to scratch just behind her ears and beneath her chin.  
  
"Sometimes they say something or act a certain way and it just throws me off balance and I can't seem to control what happens or how I feel… and then you see Perse, I need it. I need my little cuts and my little hurts so I can just get passed it. But the problem is that Draco was right… it's doesn't really make it go away, just delays paying the piper." Ginny rolled over placing Persephone in front of her. "And Harry is not making things easy. Oh I know kitty, that he's only trying to help… But he keeps watching me and I just want to run away. You see---" Here her voice dropped to a whisper "You see he thinks I don't notice when he stares at me. He thinks I don't see. But I do… And sometimes Perse, he sees my cuts till fresh and dripping… he just reels back and turns away and tried not to see. Because deep inside he's still scared. But can I really blame him, Persephone? I mean sometimes, I get scared too. And you can't really expect people to understand... not unless they've been there…." She paused. "… Like Draco."  
  
Ginny began to scratch her kittens head absently. "He wasn't very happy today, was he? He was downright vicious… You should have seen the things he said to poor Neville. But I know on the days when he's like this that means he's hurting, Perse, really badly deep inside." Ginny sniffed resolvedly "So I guess that means, Persephone, that I should stop mopping around and go find him."   
  
Persephone meowed in agreement.   
  
  
Draco was in the process of washing several stacks of dirty dishes with building fury as he sloshed water everywhere and kicked the house-elves out of his way. He was serving out detention for calling Professor Trelawney a witless lying fraud as well as a raving lunatic. He has managed to create utter chaos in her class and he had the Slytherins behind him but in the end she beat him down with a simple, "MR. Malfoy you will spend this evening in the kitchen cleaning with the elves!"  
He'd show her, thought Draco furiously, the old bat would be out of a job in a week. But his troubles ran deeper than that and they were eating away at him. Another letter from home and this one was more frightening than anything his father could have sent. It was no more than a few lines written in the shaking hand of his mother telling him not to come home; to stay away at all cost. Nothing shook him more than a plea from her, but the building pressure from his father was not something that could be ignored. In five months he'd graduate and he would no longer be able to hide behind the Hogwarts door. So he lashed out far and near and even though the Slytherins cheered him on they made sure to keep a wide radius from his wrath.   
  
Finally the dishes were done and he stormed out amidst the screeching of house-elves that he blindly disregarded. Muttering drying spells under his breath as well was a host of swears he headed blindly for his special room, being in no mood to deal with the Slytherins at all.   
  
Making sure no one was around, he blasted the door open… and beheld Ginny sitting on his bed lost for a moment in her own thoughts before she looked and hit him with her damn smile. "You're back," she said "We were getting worried."  
  
Draco slammed the door shut. "We?" he asked.  
Ginny lifted up Persephone.   
  
Draco would have liked to hate the kitten, but she was ridiculously cute and when ever Ginny brought her she would curl up in his lap for a few minute before going back to her mistress. You just couldn't hate her.   
  
He moved to sit down next to her but something… something in the look in her eyes, and more in the twitch of her fingers made him stop.   
  
"What's wrong?" he asked  
"Nothing," she answered softly. "I came be cause I thought you seemed---"  
"You've had a long day haven't you?" he said ignoring her sentence.   
"Every day's a long day."  
He nodded. "How bad was it?"  
"I really just came to---"  
  
But Draco sat down pulled her back into his lap carefully. He had forgotten for the time that he was hurt and furious and that he wanted to kill something. All that mattered was the expression in Ginny's face that made her smile seem so sad. When she relaxed in his hold, he carefully moved the sleeves of her robes upwards. She didn't show any resistance, she had stopped trying to hide from him a long time ago. When he saw the plaid work she had made on her arms something twisted painfully inside him; a feeling he never got used to no matter how many time he saw her like this. He hated everything and everyone; he hated that he lived in a world where someone like Ginny was driven to this.   
  
"Can you tell me what happened," he asked. Ginny shook her head, fighting once again the tears that welled up unbidden in her eyes. "It's really nothing… a thousand little things that go wrong and take me all apart… But I didn't come here for this I came because I wanted---"  
  
Draco cut her off again, "What started today? What's went wrong?"  
"Darco, I'll start crying----"  
"Crying is good."  
  
He felt her body tremble and her will dissolve. And slowly she began to draw in jagged breaths. "Professor McCgonagall was impressed by my last transformation job, I turned a set of quills into a flock of canaries. So she told me to demonstrate for the class, next lesson. I was so excited that I practiced all night. I wanted to turn ten sickles into butterflies. Well I over slept in the morning and I was in hurry not to be late so I grabbed my wand and ran to class. I stood up in front of the class and said the spell... And my wand turned into a-a---a rubber chicken."  
  
Draco turned her around to face him. "What? How did your wand turn into a chicken?"  
  
Ginny face screwed up painfully. "Fake wands. Fred and George made them… we must have a doze floating around the Gryffindor common room, this isn't the first time it's happened to someone. I picked one up by mistake… But that was just the start. It went downhill from then on. In Charms I forgot my scroll in my room and during Potions, Snape take it upon himself to inform me that unless by some miracle I aced his next test I was going to fail," she paused "Then later after my last class I was walking and I heard these girls talking… they were talking about that girl, Michele. She's back in school apparently. I just made me so sick inside to listen to them; and I just lost it."   
  
He dint' say anything for a long time and when he spoke next his voice seemed to come from very far away. His hands tightened around her and he said, "Can you tell me, Ginny… what it feels like, when that craving comes…"  
  
Her eyes closed and she felt back against him her throat constricting. "It's starts so small… just when something goes wrong something flares in my mind and I think about my knife. But then I shut it up and distract myself with something… but things keep tripping up and falling out of place like a painting where the paints have to much water in them and you TRY and keep the colors separate, they keep running together across the paper… And something happens and I start to feel that little bit of ugliness inside and I see in every step I take how flawed I am and I try to make it better, to be better, but I keep tripping up… and that's when the ache starts. Right in my chest and pressing on throat like I want to cry but I can't and I feel myself losing control….then this voice comes from inside and just whispers how I can make it all go away if I just cut a little bit… Just a little so my mind will stop spiraling down to where all the dark things are. And then I finally give in and I feel the blade on my skin. But it doesn't hurt at first. And I get so angry, because I NEED it to hurt or else it won't stop the ache inside so I cut and cut and cut until suddenly something clicks and it hurts enough that I can stop. Then I look down and I see all those little lines and the blood bubbles up like tiny red beads… then I realize have to wash it off before someone sees… So I run it under water and it Hurts. It hurts so much my eyes smart up and my head throbs and then, only then I can breathe because everything else gets washed away in the pain…."  
  
Suddenly she jerked out of his arms and buried her head in her hands shaking her head violently heaving hard, tearless sobs. "Dear Lord, I am so UGLY inside!"  
  
But Draco turned her around and forced her to look him in the face. "We ALL are a little ugly inside. Some more than others… but everybody, even your precious Harry and that nitwit Neville has ugliness inside. It there. It exists. But your still who you are." And she let her body relax and those damn tears that did not seem to want to leave her alone that day fell in salt rivers down her face.  
  
Ginny wasn't sure how long she had been laying there on Draco's bed staring absently at the wall. He was writing something next to her, glancing at her every once in awhile to see if she was ready to talk. But sometimes it was better to just sit in silence and know deep in your soul that the person next to you understood with out words. But it wasn't a luxury Ginny was going to indulge in much longer. She knew she'd have to bring up it up sooner or later and she also knew that the scene that followed was not going to be pretty. All the same she pulled herself up and stretched catching his attention.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked.   
  
He raked his fingers through his hair irritably. "Composing a letter to Daddy Dearest. I haven't written in a long time and he'll get suspicious. Things aren't well at home… I got a letter from my mother and she sounded---fractured."  
  
Ginny nodded understandingly. "Is that why you were so…"  
"Ruthless, today?" he finished for her "Yes," he said dryly.   
  
Ginny began to twist her hair out of her face nervously. Perhaps now wasn't the time… but no she had made up her mind, she'd go through with it. Straightening her back she said, "Draco I want to talk to you about Neville."  
  
Draco looked up slowly. Putting down his quill she watched as his face grew ten degrees harder in a matter of seconds. "What about him?" he asked coldly.   
Ginny cringed inside; as she had suspected this was not going to be pretty.  
"I understand why you do, what you do. You need to, to get by and I would never question that… but you shouldn't attack Neville the way you do. There are some two-hundred student in this school, couldn't you pick on somebody else?"  
  
Ginny watched sadly as with every word she said she saw his face get colder and harder until she could audible hear his teeth grinding together. But his next line caught her off guard.   
  
"How. DARE. You. Do I ASK why you have to bleed yourself to death to get from one day to the next? Do I QUESTION how much you have to cut, or when or why?! Then HOW DARE you TELL me what I can and can't do with my life!?"  
  
"I'm not TELLING you to do anything!" she shouted back "I am asking you. You don't have to listen to me, but I had to ask… because even you have lines you don't cross, Draco and Neville should be on one of them."  
  
"Oh please!" he hissed "A wet behind the ears kid without a shred of intellect and you want me to spare him because he's a pansy-ass---"  
  
"He's lost enough, for Merlin's sake! Did you know his parents were torture to INSANITY by Death Eaters?"  
  
Draco blinked but fought to hide his surprise from his face. Ginny caught it anyhow. "They don't even know him anymore when they see him, that's how lost they are! And his Uncle was killed in the second Uprising and then going home last summer to find a Dark Mark over his door! And YOU needling him and pushing him is like rubbing salt in a wound because he can't do anything---"  
  
"I'm not one of your Gryffindor heroes, Ginny! You knew that from the start. I'm not out to save the whole damn world, I can't even save myself!"  
  
"I know what you are, Draco. And I know what you could be. AND I know what you'll become if you keep letting all the people around you take away what's left of your humanity---"  
  
"I AM NOT A DEATH EATER!" he shouted  
  
"I KNOW THAT! I do! But if you keep pushing him he'll break---"  
  
"Then get him a hero, Ginny. Go find Harry and tell him he has a new 'cause' he can save. Or better yet, just get him a blade."  
  
Ginny reeled back as if he had slapped. Draco grimaced angrily; he hated it when he pushed her too far. But before he could say anything she had scrambled of his bed and was heading to the door.   
He was so angry. Everything was wrong, he was wrong and he hated her for making him wrong. But worse he hated her for walking away.   
Furiously he sprang up and grabbed her harshly by the shoulders, forcing her to look at him. Ginny started at the act; Draco hardly ever tighten a grip on her, but his hold on her was so strong right then that she had to fight the urge to wince.  
  
"Do you know what you are going to do to me?! You're going to turn me into another Snape," he threw his head back and laughed, as if the thought was beyond all hysteria "Yes I can see it now, " he said "Me, the grimy hateful potions master minus the crooked nose. You'll give me just enough humanity to be useless to the dark side and leave me too hateful to ever be seen as anything BUT evil to the Good side. Oh what a BRILLIANT future I have! Can't wait…" his gazed returned to her, raking her over and seeing around, over and through her "Well what after that Ginny? After you've ruined me for both sides, what then? WHERE THE HELL DOES THAT LEAVE ME?!"  
  
Ginny swallowed, her lips trembling and eyes smarting, but she didn't flinch in her answer. "With me," she said.  
  
Two words and Draco felt his whole foundation crumble. Anger, frustration and hatred all turned to dust and he let go of her so suddenly, she almost stumbled background. He spun around and slumped down until he hit the floor and then leaned his head down against his knees. Ginny sat down next to him but when she leaned her head against his shoulder he said, "You should go to bed."  
  
But Ginny ignored him and stayed there next to him until she felt his shoulders relaxed… she wouldn't leave with him like this. Persephone kept rubbing against them both purring silently. Finally he leaned his head back until he hit the bed and massaged his temples roughly and then pushed himself up off the floor, pulling her with him. "Get out of here before you get caught," he said. But the ice was gone from his face and now he just looked very very tired. That was alright she decided so she nodded gathered up Persephone and left.   
  
When the door closed Draco collapsed exhausted on the bed. Why did it have to hurt so much?   
  
  
Finally he headed back to the Slytherin common room. Wearily he passed through the corridors barely seeing where he was going, not even trying to find his way, but letting the passage ways change themselves and trusting them to get him where he needed to be. He started to go faster at the thought of sleep and blessed release it would be from thinking. He needed to stop thinking…his hands were starting to flex.   
  
But fate has a mind of it's own. Making a sharp turn he crashed right into someone, throwing himself and the person down on the hard floor.   
  
"Who the bloody Hell---" he started, but before he could finish he looked up to see that he had collided with none other than Neville Longbottom.   
  
"Shit!" he hissed and with speed that sent Neville spinning, he sprang up and dragged Neville off the floor by the collar of his robes, slamming him against the wall.   
"Just what I fucking need right now," he growled as Neville squirmed under his grip "What the hell are you doing here, Snivel?"  
  
Neville kept twisting, his eye wide with fear. He had already had one dose of Malfoy that day, but when he realized it was pointless wrestling with a well trained Seeker he faced Malfoy trembling. "I had detention in the Potions dungeon! I just got lost, for Merlin's sake, now let me go!"  
  
Neville had a look that reminded Draco of his mother when she tried to stand up to his father knowing she was going to be bleeding in the end of it. The look just made him angrier.   
  
Slamming Neville up against the wall again he shouted, "Do you know how much I hate?! I mean really hate you! You know, popular rumor aside, I'm really not a murderous person by nature, but the sight of you starts a real blood lust in me! Everything about you just makes me furious. I HATE YOU!"  
  
"B-but you don't even know me.." stuttered Neville  
"SHUT UP!" shouted Draco "Now you see I have a problem," he continued "I rather like Hogwarts, free food, nice bed sheets, plenty of people to terrorize, and I don't want to have to leave to go to Azkaban for killing someone as worthless as you! So here's the deal. From this day on you don't exist. I don't see you, I don't know you… You are not here. You stay out of my way at all times. Avoid me like the plague. Come to the Great Hall from a different entrance, and in Potions don't you dare make me notice you at all! Because if after today you barge into the scope of my life, I will THROTTLE YOU! Do you understand?"   
  
For a moment Neville looked like he didn't understand what was going on. Then it dawned on him that this was his chance to be rid of Draco for good.  
"F-f-fine Malfoy," he said "If it means I never have to see you again."  
  
"Good," said Draco dropping Neville in a heap on the ground.   
"You won't exist to me either!" called Neville.  
  
But Draco didn't even turn around.  
  
In the Slytherin common room Draco didn't even attempt to be civil to people as he made his way to the dorm room. Once he was there, he threw himself down, not bothering to change. His mind was chaotic and sore and his fingers would not stop trembling…   
  
Oh he loved her, but he damned the day he had first saw her trembling hands on that Hogwarts train as much as he worship the day he had first seen her smile.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Okay that's done. Next chapter is very very ugly so enjoy this okay? Rating hikes up to R so be prepared. By the way, I don't want it to seem like everything bad always happens to Ginny, when I describe her 'bad days'. Please realize that the situations she is in could and do happen to everyone. I'm just trying to show her emotional fragility. And when Ginny says that you have to be a cutter to understand cutting, I don't necessarily agree with that. I think people with drug addictions and eating disorders have a very real idea of what self abuse is like and even normal people can understand pain. Having been there helps, but I certainly don't mean to undermine the empathic abilities of people who are free from the monkeys some of us have to deal with. There is certainly nothing wrong with being normal.   
  
  
Amanda Mancini and all the others asking about Persephone: that will be made clear later, it's not important, but it has a purpose.   
  
Kat Riddle: Don't you just love cats? I dedicate that part to my cat Gus, who is some times the only thing that feels right at home, oh the song Iris? That was the theme song for Silver Scars. I don't really like song fics, but I use my songs to kinda set the feel for a chapter. I'm glad somebody reads them…  
  
Riverwinde: I really think I may have permanently lost that first chapter. If so I'll finish the fic and then go back and re write it (aarrrrgghhhh… I hate doing that)  
  
LilyAyl: I'm glad you liked both stories… About not understanding cutting, that's understandable. It doesn't always make sense the idea of combating emotional pain with physical pain. I appreciate that you're reading the fic anyways. I'm trying to explain why people feel driven to self abuse and I hope that at the end of this you'll have a better idea about it. About the ending… I already know exactly how this fic is going to end (I never start a fic without a clear idea of what I'm writing) And 'they lived happily ever after' is about as far from the ending as it gets. I DON'T write sap. If you're lucky they'll all make it out alive… but don't worry, not at any time is this a suicide fic. Just hang in there the worst is yet to come. Be warned, Lily, it will get much worse before it gets better. 


	5. Shatter

Disclaimer: They're still not mine  
  
Okay: This chapter is rated R. This one is dark, but I'll make it up to you all next time and keep the next one a little lighter.   
  
WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS DARK AND VIOLENT. Please read on an empty stomach.   
Notes to my reviewers will be at the bottom.   
  
THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO LISA WHO FOUND MY FIRST CHAPTER. I owe you big time.   
  
  
I'm sorry about the attitude  
I need to give with I'm with you  
But no one else will take this shit from me  
And I'm so terrified of no one else but me  
I'm here all the time  
I won't go away…  
  
Hey… It's me  
Yeah well I can't get myself to go away  
Hey…well it's me  
And I can't get myself to go away  
Oh God I shouldn't feel this No  
  
(Long Day: Matchbox 20)  
  
  
  
  
"And you're sure you'll be alright in time for History?" asked Ron as he stood over Harry's bed.   
  
Harry nodded. "I'm just a bit under the weather, Ron. You all go on to breakfast and I'll be fine by class time."  
  
Ron looked him over one more time then left with Seamus and the others. Harry waited until he could no longer hear their chatter in the common room before he climbed out of bed and dressed quickly. Of course he wasn't really sick at all, but he couldn't think of any other excuse to skip breakfast and he knew that Ginny would. She often skipped breakfast and since he had seen her at the last morning meal it was a sure bet that she wouldn't eat today.   
  
He waited a few more minutes and then descended into the common room. Sure enough she was there, in one of the long sofas. She had Persephone in her lap and she was studying Transfigurations. She didn't see him as he came in and Harry walked up behind her and said, "Morning, Gin."  
  
Ginny jumped slightly, surprised. "Harry!? Give a warning will you?" she muttered. She shook herself out and then settled back to her reading. To her discomfort he sat down next to her.   
  
"Don't you want to eat breakfast, Harry?" she said hopefully.   
"Don't YOU want to eat?" he asked.  
Ginny looked back down in her book. "I'm not hungry."  
"Neither am I," he said.  
  
When she didn't reply, Harry kept quiet but leaned back in the chair and began to drum his fingers on the arm of the seat.  
  
Finally Ginny looked up from the book, exasperated. "Harry what do you want? Can't you see I'm trying to study?"  
  
Harry cringed at her words. Suddenly defensive he said, "Look would it bloody kill you to talk to me? Is it so wrong for me to worry? For me to care?"  
  
Ginny leaned back against the chair resignedly and inhaled deeply. She was being unreasonable, she knew and he hadn't done anything to bother her. She didn't know why he made her so jittery.  
"Alright, fine. What do you want to talk about?"  
  
Harry chewed on his lip. What did he want to talk about? He had a couple of ideas, but judging by the look on her face, now was not the time to demand why she insisted on not seeing what a demon from Hell Draco Malfoy was. He didn't want to make her upset, just show how concerned he was.   
  
"Ginny," he said suddenly "Why don't you eat more? You skip breakfast half the week and you pick at lunch and dinner."  
  
Ginny looked surprised."Harry I'm small. I never ate much, ever. Remember I'm not a Quiditch player, I don't need any extra energy."  
  
"I know," he conceded "But still you should be careful. You're not--- like, starving yourself are you?"  
  
Ginny slammed her book shut angrily. "Damn it Harry THIS is why I don't talk to you! What gives you the nerve---"  
  
"I'm sorry! Ginny please don't leave! I never know what to say to you… I always have it planned out in my head but when ever I sit down with you it gets completely confused and I say something stupid… Please, please don't be mad."  
  
When Ginny looked up and it struck Harry how terribly tired she seemed. "Harry, do you even know what you want from me?" she asked  
  
Harry gave her a pleading puppy dog look. "I want you to be safe. I want you to be happy, the way you used to be… the way I remember you."  
  
To his surprise her face become very cool. "The way you remember me? The way I used to be? How would you even know? You didn't notice me at all for years and years! Oh that's not true… there were those painfully embarrassing moments when I'm sure my presence must have been the biggest nuisance of your life. The valentine card in second year… and I never did see the get well card I sent you the year after. Everyone else's cards were there except mine I noticed. Not to mention the loads of Christmas cards, Easter cards, SAINT PATRCK DAY cards I sent, none of which you so much as acknowledged I gave you. Harry you avoided me like a dementor! I can count on my hands the number of times we actually had a conversation… On the other I can't begin to add up the occasions the conversation would go dead quiet if I walked into a room. Did you think I didn't notice!? Or did you think I was just stupid!?"  
  
Harry was too shocked to reply to her statement. He had never realized, never dreamed that all that time he could have actually hurt her…  
  
Ginny disregarded his silence. In a calmer voice she said, "Look, none of it matters in the slightest any more. I dealt with all this a long time ago…it doesn't bother me now. I have other things to worry about. But don't you ever dare claim to have some sort of prior knowledge about me or how I felt, because you don't."  
  
For a moment Harry was quiet. How could he have been so callous to her? "Ginny, I'm so sorry…"  
  
"WILL YOU STOP SAYING THAT! I told you it doesn't matter."  
"But Ginny… Dear Merlin, Ginny was I the reason you started-started--you know--?"  
  
Just for a moment Ginny understood the kind of rage Draco carried around.. the sort that made you want to turn around and suffocate someone, without warning.   
  
When she spoke her voice was so cold and so angry it made Harry start. "You arrogant bastard. Is your head so SWOLLEN that you really think the world---think MY WORLD revolves around YOU?!"  
  
Harry cringed-- again. "Oh, damn… No that's not what I meant! I mean… I… why does it always end up like this!!! Ginny, Malfoy was right about one thing… I just don't understand. I mean I don't understand why you feel so… I don't know. WHY do you do --- what you do?"  
  
Ginny's eyes narrowed, "Are you asking why I cut up my body when I'm down Harry?"  
  
She noticed with grim satisfaction how he shrank away from her in a sort of painful recoil at her words. Ignoring his discomfort she pushed on, "Well I'll tell you why Harry, though it won't make the slightest difference… I'm tired. Tired of not knowing who I am and when I DO know, the reality is so ugly... I'm tired of being smothered and lost… but most of all I'm tired of being tired."  
  
Harry shook his head, "But Gin, you're surrounded by people who love you--- who want you to protect you---"   
  
Ginny threw her hands up in frustration. He just didn't get it. "You think I don't know that!? You think I don't know how much they love me… Course never mind that none of them really know me at all and if they DID know me that love would be seriously jeopardized, but that aside; you know what I hate the most? The hand-me-downs. No Harry don't give me that look, I'm not talking about clothes, books, shoes or wands. I mean hand-me-down experiences. I hate having to hear about everyone else's episodes, their lives, their adventures and have to live them vicariously from my poor pitiful existence. I despise the fact that I'm expected to learn from everybody else's mistakes and never make any of my own."  
  
Harry buried his head in his hands. "So is that the reason for this--- thing---with Malfoy?"  
  
Ginny felt her jaw tighten. "Harry," she said "You will never even begin to understand that. Just leave it alone."  
  
But Harry jerked his head up defiantly, "Bloody right I don't understand!! He takes pleasure in torturing everyTHING around him and you seem completely blind to what he does!"  
  
Ginny scowled at Harry angrily. "Why do you always think I'm so blind and stupid? Do you know I find it offensive? I'm serious. I see exactly what Draco does. The difference is I understand it, which is something you NEVER will."  
  
"I can understand you being angry, hurt even depressed. But why… when you have a family who loves you and people who care about you, do you turn to that--- that---"   
  
"Bastard? Asshole? Mean cruel vicious murdering man-eating fire-breathing Dragon? It's the biggest joke of all isn't it? I'm surrounded by dragon slayers, all there to protect me… and in the end I still ended up on the edge of a cliff and who saved me? The dragon did."  
  
Harry just stared at her silently… once again, not having a clue what to say and knowing whatever he did say would be wrong. Ginny watched him a for moment, but seeing that he had no retaliation to make she stood up and went to her dorm.   
  
Harry watched her go with no protest. For the first time since this whole mess had begun he seriously wondered if he was completely beaten down. Was he really that clueless as to the depths hidden in the small body of Virginia Weasly? Did he really have no place with her at all?   
Well whatever they both said, he knew that he couldn't stand by silently and watch her get hurt like this. He wouldn't try cornering her again… but sometime he was going to find the way to help her. Even if he didn't know what he was looking for.   
  
  
Ginny felt her stomach congeal into a tight knot… what a wretched way to start the morning. She had Transfigurations first period and she was already strained. She pushed down her discomfort and began to prepare her books. She could tell it was going to be a long day.  
  
Transfiguration went fine enough… Ginny was always good at the subject. She could visualize exactly what she wanted her object to become and the magic would just flow through her. Today she tried to brush aside her shifty mood and concentrate on her spells; after all it was still early in the morning… it could still turn out to be a good day…  
  
The class ended without incident and she stood up to go to her Arithmancy class, but just as she left, Professor McGonagal came to the door and stopped her.   
  
"Ms. Weasly would you please step inside for a moment? I would like to have a word with you."  
  
Ginny felt her heart rate speed up. Was she in trouble? What did McGonagal want?  
  
Professor McGonagal sat down at her desk and motioned for Ginny to do the same.  
  
"I'm sure you're wondering why I wanted you," she began in her grave Scottish voice. "Let me reassure you that you are not technically in any trouble…yet. The fact is that some of your other teachers have come to me concerning certain…changes they feel have happened in your performance."  
  
Ginny swallowed nervously. She was sure Snape had complained to McGonagol about her poor Potions grades…just what she needed. But Professor McGonagol continued, "Unlike most students who seem to average out evenly to a certain standard, you have very drastic shifts that make it difficult to cast you with a certain strain of students. You are, I'm glad to say, excellent in my class. Professor Flitwick tells me your charms work is above standard and you seem to excel in both Astronomy and Arithmancy. On the other hand I have been told you are on the verge of failing Potions, and you never even seem to attend Professor Trelawny's class or Professor Binns for that matter. I understand that many people find Muggle Studies to be rather boring but if you chose it as one of your electives, ATTENDING the class doesn't seem like too much to ask, does it?"  
  
She looked up to see Ginny staring blankly out the window. For a moment McGonagol thought perhaps Ginny was not bothering to pay attention to her, but at that moment Ginny turned her head around and looked her in the face.   
  
"I'll try and improve my standard," she said with so little feeling that the professor raised a skeptical eyebrow. Because of this she ended up saying rather coldly, "You'll have to if you intend to pass this year."   
  
Ginny winced at the words, but the professor was not done yet. "That is not all I'm worried about. You have shown signs this year of having a severe lack of attention; to be said plainly even in the classes you excel in, you don't seem mentally present at all. Ginny," here Professor McGonagol leaned forward slightly "are you sure everything is alright? Are things going fine at home or do you have some problem that we need to discuss?"  
  
Ginny stiffened at the professor's words. She had no idea that her teachers noticed her at all and certainly not to the extent of deducting that she might have some sort of personal problem. She swallowed, her throat suddenly dry and tried to sound nonchalant in her answer.   
  
"I'm fine Professor," she said forcing the tremor out of her voice. "I've… had some trouble sleeping lately and it may be effecting my work. I'll get it taken care of it, I promise."  
  
"If there is any problem, you know you can come to any of the staff here in the strictest confidence," said McGonagal in earnest.   
  
"Of course," Ginny lied, smiling thinly. The Professor looked her over once more as if still unconvinced that she had resolved anything with this conversation. But Ginny continued to smile and she could think of nothing more to keep her with so she dismissed her with a wave of her hand.   
  
Ginny fled the room quickly… trying to erase the look Professor McGonagal had given her. 'Why do these things happen to me?' she thought bitterly 'Because you're lagging in your classes and you can't keep an emotional grip on yourself even for show,' her mind retorted acidly. It was sick she thought, that her problems were so obvious she had her teachers worrying. Couldn't she even keep up a decent appearance!? No she was incapable of even that basic function. She felt her self-disgust rise like bile in her throat, but swallowed it down. She had a class and she wouldn't let her weaknesses show through ever again. Putting on a painfully fake smile she made her way to Arithmancy, forcing herself to ignore her twitching hands and trying not to feel the all consuming darkness that seemed to rock inside her just beneath the brittle surface.   
  
She had been trying hard to be calm, light and inconspicuous. She forced herself to pay attention in Professor Binns's class and she had no problems in Herbology. At lunch she made herself eat heartily even though she wasn't really that hungry and she even engaged in some conversations with the other students. Some of them were so carefree and easy… and just plain happy. Had she ever been like that? Of course she had at some time… a time so far away it was hazy. Ever since she had started Hogwarts things had seemed to slide together in a long spiraling funnel. She shook the thought away and tried to concentrate on what Colin was talking about, something to do with his new double click speed digital camera. At the moment he was explaining what digital meant to the other students. Why was it so easy for them to find priorities in cameras, clothes and makeup? Why was it so hard for her to do the same? They were laughing at a joke. She laughed as well trying to sound genuine even though the sound of her voice grated against her own ears. It shouldn't be this difficult, she thought angrily. When had it become such an effort to be normal?  
  
  
Draco watched her during lunch. He had Pansy sitting next to him, flirting outrageously and he goaded her into picking on Ginny so he would have an excuse to keep his eyes on his little red head. She seemed happy today he thought at first, which was good. He hadn't had much time alone with her since they had fought over Neville and he wanted to make sure she was okay. It was good to see her smile…   
  
But then he heard her laugh. It wasn't as if she never laughed, but there was a tone in her voice that just rang an alarm in his head. It reminded him too much of the Yule Ball. Automatically he saw the play she was putting on for the people around her. Damn. That was such a bad sign…but his hands were tied for today, he'd have to seek her out later.   
  
  
  
All that day she felt like she was fighting a losing battle against herself. It was just so hard for her to fit in with all her other classmates that she could feel her nerves strain and her chest tighten… like her body was fighting against her as well. By the end of the day she was exhausted and she still had two class left… Double Potions no less.   
  
As she was exchanging classes, she stopped to put on her gloves. She always wore gloves in Snape's class because he tended to look at peoples' hands when he went by to check on their work. Preoccupied with her task she felt herself collide into someone in the corridor.   
  
"Oh, I'm so sorry I--- oh it's you, Ron!" she exclaimed, smiling when she realized her victim was none other than her older brother "Are you okay? I didn't hurt you did I?" she asked  
  
Ron laughed. "You couldn't if you tried Ginny winny. To tiny to hurt the Giant. Where are you off to in such a hurry?"  
  
She grimaced sourly. "Double Potions," she said "Two classes with Snape…torture."  
Ron nodded "Don't I know it. Listen, I heard you got called in by McGonagal. Is everything okay?"  
  
Ginny shifted her feet uneasily. "Yeah…she just wants me to pick up some of my marks… History, Potions… no biggies"  
  
"Okay… I could get Hermione to sit with you if you like. So what were you trying to do when you so ceremoniously greeted me with that charming collision?"  
  
Ginny grinned, "Just putting on my gloves."  
"Oh here Ginny winny, let me."   
  
Ginny tried to protest, but Ron was feeling big brotherish and insisted. Pulling up her sleeves smiling, the first thing he saw was a netting of week old scabs. His grin faded like a mirage and his eyebrows drew together carefully in a look of concern.   
"Ginny, love, where did you get these ugly things from?" he asked, his eyes not leaving her trembling hands.   
  
Ginny choked on her words carelessly surprised at her own voice when she said, "Oh, I got them cut up in Herbology a few days ago with some thorny plants… forgot what she called them… and Persephone and I got a bit carried away with a little clawing fight we had. No big deal."  
  
She wasn't sure if Ron was listening to her. His face was creased with unease and he brought her hands up closer to look at them. Startled Ginny grabbed her hand away covering her trepidation with a nervous laugh. Reaching up to ruffle her brother's hair she said, "Oh come on now, Ron, no need for you to get all worried over nothing." Ron looked down at her and felt himself smile at her infectious grin. Ruffling her hair in turn he said, "Whatever Gin, but do take care, will you? If you got hurt or something, Charlie'd have my head." Then he shoed her off to Potions.   
  
But when she turned the corner his smile disappeared and the frown returned with more intensity. It wouldn't have mattered really if he hadn't just been with Colin, who had been complaining to him and Harry about how boring the last few classes of Herbology had been seeing as they had been studying fungi for two weeks.   
  
  
As she entered the Potions dungeon, Ginny felt her stress level tighten. Her run in with Ron had badly shaken her and she was--once again-- tired beyond measure.   
'This is the worse condition in the world to take Potions in,' she thought bitterly. She could feel herself tensing under the strain. But now she knew was not the time to focus on her problems, so she shoved them down in the back of her mind and tried to concentrate on Snape's scathing words. Gnats wings, frogs' blood, fungi found in the scales of sea serpents… the ingredients flowed through her mind hazily and she tried to focus and concentrate.   
  
They were working silently on the newest brew Snape had concocted, something thick, green and smelly. Ginny tilted the bottle of frog's blood slowly so as not to get too much in her potion…  
"The color of this broth is wrong Ms. Weasly!" Snape barked sharply behind her. He startled her so much that she dropped the bottle which shattered on the table. Snape bellowed angrily, "Can you not make a simple potion without disaster following? Five points from Gryffindor! Though you are generally a poor student, this term you have dropped to a standard so low, even Mr. Longbottom seems to have more potential!"  
  
Ginny visually cringed under the verbal abuse he lashed out. She felt her eyes smarting as she watched her hands flinching and flexing as though beyond her control.  
  
Snape was still yelling, "I'll have no silly sniveling in my class. Ms. Weasly you will go to my office and take the door to the left of my herbal cabinet. In the cellar you will find another bottle of frog's blood, bring it and do NOT expose it to light, or it's properties will be ruined. BE QUICK!"  
  
Ginny felt someone touch her shoulder in an effort to comfort her, but all she wanted was to be out of that room as quickly as she possibly could. As she fled she could feel her control slipping through her fingers and that black tide that she fought so hard against welling up against her will inside. Self hatred burned acidly in her throat as she thought, "Oh yes, me. Stupid, clumsy me, with no control over anything around me… going no where, losing my way…" she didn't even know what she was thinking anymore. Finding the door to the cellar she swung it open and stumbled inside. The darkness was thick and tangible and enclosed around her as she let the door swing shut behind her. She leaned wearily against the cold wall, drowning in the mental throbbing of her head. She wanted to cut so badly it made her hands shake and her breathing labored.   
  
'Not now,' she told herself. 'Wait until later, after class when you can go some where…' but she didn't want to wait. She could feel her blade tucked in the bottom of her shoe, mocking her feeble efforts of resistance. Just a little… just to stop the throbbing… But if she started now she wouldn't stop. She'd knew herself well enough to know that cutting at this point would lead to a bloody uncontrolled mess. Snape might notice. But she didn't care… mentally she battled her wills and finally she decided to wait. If she started cutting she didn't know how long she would end up on the cellar floor and if someone came looking for her it would be disastrous.  
Wait..  
Less than an hour and class would be over…  
Wait…  
  
She stood erect slowly and began to walk across the cellar. It was deeper than it looked and incredibly dark. As she walked passed what at first looked like a bump on the wall in the darkness, it lit with an eerie blue flame that cast a dank silvery light on everything. She paused for a moment to let her eyes adjust to the change in light and then moved on. The light was purposely feeble and the room seemed to grow mustier as she moved deeper in.   
  
The path turned suddenly and Ginny turned with it; then she started.   
There was someone there.  
A small figure of a girl most likely, with her back towards Ginny, was crouched near the cupboard containing rows of bottles and jars. For a moment Ginny froze; she hadn't expected to see anyone down here. Then for no explainable reason she felt very very afraid.   
"E-excuse me," she whispered.   
  
Very slowly the figured raised, her tattered and rotting dress tearing as she moved. Her hair was longish and of an unclear color in the dark but seemed some sort of red or brown. She was small… incredibly tiny and her bones jutted out wretchedly through her poor arraignment, her dead hair hanging limply down her back. Ginny felt all the hairs on the back of her neck stand up and her skin felt cold and clammy… something was wrong here… something was wrong with this girl.  
  
Abruptly with out warning the figure turned to face her and Ginny screamed. Or she opened her mouth to scream but no sound escaped as she felt soul-shattering fear grip her like a vice.   
Ginny was staring at herself.   
Herself in her worst nightmares.  
  
She was a skeleton with yellow sickly skin stretched across her bones like cheap leather. Long dead limp hair. Soulless sunken eyes. And an expression of such horrific penetrating pain that Ginny knew she was staring at her own soul. But those weren't what terrified her.   
By far the worst part was the bleeding.   
The thing was bleeding everywhere.  
  
For every scratch Ginny had ever inflicted on herself that creature's skin was split and pouring out blood, staining her clothing, her body and the floor. The cloth she was garbed in was so thin that it was all to clear the slashes on her chest, over her stomach and across her breasts. Arms, legs, hands, fingers all bleeding red.   
  
Suddenly the expression the on the creature's face changed from blaring pain to ferocious anger. Raising her clawed bony hand she pointed her index finger accusingly at Ginny, and advancing towards her she screeched in a thin brittle voice, "You! YOU DID THIS TO ME!"   
  
Now Ginny screamed out loud in petrifying terror. She wanted to flee, get as far away from this thing, from herself, as she could but… she couldn't move, couldn't breathe….  
  
"What is going on here!" some one bellowed. Out of nowhere Snape was in the room raging. When the figure saw him, it instantaneously morphed into the shape of a towering man with black hair that looked almost like Harry but whose face was contorted with rage. The thin brittle voice that had threatened Ginny became deep and thundered, "SNAPE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY WIFE! AND TO MY SON!"  
  
For a moment Snape looked taken aback and his already pale face turned the ashy white of death. But then understanding came over him and with a flicked of his wand he muttered 'ridiculous' turning to Ginny before he even saw what became of the boggart.  
  
"Ms. Weasely," he hissed acidly "if as a sixth year student you cannot even identify a boggart, you do not deserve to be in this school."  
  
With that Ginny snapped.   
  
Now she was running, pushing passed Snape ignoring and not hearing him as he called after her. She fled his office and the dungeons and headed blindly for the sanctuary of pain in much the same fashion as she had on Christmas morning.   
  
It no longer mattered where she was going as long as it was away from everything she knew. Part of her wanted to go to Draco's room and wait for him to batter her out of despair but she had already pushed down too much that day to wait. She wanted---needed---to be away from everything, everyone … so she lost herself in the twisting halls of Hogwarts.   
  
She stumbled blindly into a room, any room, one she didn't know. In two seconds her knife was in her hands and cutting madly over her skin.   
  
'Slick silver sliding like silk on my skin…'   
Her mind was lost and she didn't care. Her arms were red and sticky but it wasn't enough. Cut cut cut, deeper longer wider gashes that wouldn't heal, that would scar. Pain welled up and swallowed her whole, but it still wasn't enough. Not enough to erase the sight of her worst fear standing bloody in front of her. She was tearing away at her robes exposing more flesh to be shredded.   
  
'I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you…' she thought furiously gutting something new with each word. Her weakness blared in her face in the form of the old scars and her fears screamed at her from the new. Why why why did it have to be this way? 'Because you are what you are,' she thought back sick and angry and blinded by tears. When had she remembered how to cry? Draco had taught her. But he hadn't taught her how to stop cutting or how to control it.   
  
A movement caught her eye. Was someone there? 'Dear Lord not a again,' she thought panicking. Standing up trembling, she looked to see what her eyes had caught in a flash. No, there was no one there, and no boggart waiting to show her deepest ugliest self again.   
  
It was much worse.   
  
It was a mirror.   
  
For a moment Ginny just stared at herself, ragged and ugly, covered in blood, holding her blade in her hands as though she was afraid someone would attack her. She looked at herself and felt real fear for herself… from herself.   
  
"I hate you," she said to her reflection.  
"I HATE you!"  
"I. HATE. YOU!" she screamed watching herself cut the words in red letters across her chest in a sort of dazed desperation. But she couldn't cut herself out of the mirror, or cut out the pain, or cut out all the ugliness that she thought had consumed her. In disgust she threw down her knife with it's winking fairy handle and threw herself at the mirror smearing the surface with blood. She pounded her fists against it again and again and again until it finally gave away with a sigh and a snap and shattered all around her.   
  
Then she let herself sink to the floor in a bed of broken glass.   
  
  
  
  
  
There. It's done. This is the worst I promise… the story goes up hill from here. Sort of. Next chapter is… better. I think. I hate writing this story. It's so draining. Oh by the way, I am not trying to indicate AT ALL that Ginny has an eating problem. That was just Harry's insecurity jumping up. Okay : First off I'm SORRY about all the mistakes. I'm gonna go over the next two chapters really well and try and improve them. That's why this took so long to upload I wanted to try and weed out as many mistakes as possible. I DO speak English, I'm an American, but see it's hard to find your own mistakes in something you've written.   
Riverwinde, I especially apologize to you. I'll try and work harder.   
  
To Davesmom, you are writing a brilliant story, one I truly envy. I would love to give my Ginny the strength yours possess. I knew I had the school wrong and I meant to go back I check it but I forgot. I love advice and criticism, so nobody be afraid to tell me I'm off my rocker. I quite understand that I am.   
  
Lisa: YOU SAVED MY LIFE!!!! You got me first chapter which I thought I had really lost for good. This ones for you. And thanx for the pictures… they're really cute.  
  
Soraya: I appreciate what you said about cutting in 'Silver Scars' but there are different types of cutting. As in when I'm just really down I cut quietly and very controlled… and as I at least write Ginny's cutting scenes from experience, I'm not glazing anything I promise.   
  
darker child: your reviews me a lot to me… cutting is such an empty feeling… and one that you need so badly…. Just know that even in the worst of times, you are never truly alone. There are those who understand   
  
justme: It will end on a positive note I promise. Maybe not a 'And they lived happily ever after' but nobody is going to die.  
  
Jubilee: A question… are you an X-men fan? Just asking because of the name… X-men are one of my many addictions  
  
LilyAyl: It will go up down and around before the end. I'm glad you like Draco, he is such a difficult character to write... Next chapter will see a lot of him.   
  
THANX to everyone for putting up with me. 


	6. Reconstruction

Disclaimer: They're not mine   
  
SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG!!!  
NOTES TO MY REVIEWERS AT THE BOTTOM.  
  
Okay this chapter is going to be lighter than the last. It has to be. I can't write another chapter that dark again. Oh yes, something I meant to mention. The idea of Ginny meeting a boggart has been used before… I believe there is a story called 'Ginny and the Boggart'. In that story, the boggart became a version of Harry who didn't love her. As in Harry's rejection was her worst fear. The story I thought was very sweet, if you're a Harry/Ginny shipper, but I couldn't see that as being Ginny's truest fear. Somehow fearing herself seemed more sound.   
  
Yeah and I'm sooooo sorry for how dark the last chapter was. This one borders on fluffy, so please hang in there everyone. Notes to my reviewers at the bottom.   
  
  
  
I'm a waste of a momma's boy   
It's a shame they say there's so much   
you know you'll never enjoy   
All the love we come to destroy   
There's a moment lost in time   
When she says 'Hush,   
I'm on your side   
It's just the two of us   
You know that I….   
You know I'll never say goodbye'   
  
(Angie Aparo: Hush)   
  
  
  
Harry stood outside the Slytherin common room door.   
  
"What the Hell am I doing here?" he thought dubiously.   
  
He almost turned around to head back to his own common room but he stopped. The fact was that no matter how much he truly hated Draco Malfoy he couldn't deny that his worst enemy was the only one who could help him now. Ginny was missing. She had not returned after her disappearance during Potions and no one knew where she was. Ron was frantic, searching the grounds, repeating over and over again that he had to find her and no one could tell them anything except that they had heard her scream, Snape had left to get her but returned without her and more vicious than ever.   
  
He had searched in the owlery tower and in the halls, but he knew that he didn't have a clue as to where she really was. So he had stood outside the Slytherin portrait for the better of fifteen minutes trying to think of an excuse to call for Draco Malfoy.   
  
Finally he knocked. The portrait of a sharp faced lord looked down on him coldly as he banged against the picture. Finally the portrait swung open revealing a rather pretty girl with a confused look on her face. She jumped when she saw herself looking at none other than the famous Harry Potter.   
"What are YOU doing here," she asked aghast.   
  
Harry felt incredibly stupid, but he covered it up with an angry expression and said in as rough a voice as he could muster in such short notice, "I want to speak to that git Malfoy! And he knows damn well what it's about!"   
  
The girl automatically assumed that this school hero had some sort of fight going on with the champion of the Slytherin house (it wouldn't be the first time). Turning around she told him to wait and that she would bring Draco. A few minutes later Malfoy was at the door his face drawn up tightly and still wearing his Quidditch jersey. He took one look at Harry and said, "So come to finish things have you? I can't wait to grind your face into the bloody floor."   
  
Harry was grateful that Draco had picked up his hint. Forcing anger into his voice he said, "Well are you coming? Or are you just going to stand there in the happy protection of your lousy cronies?"   
  
Draco threw out his most vile, bitter laugh and said in a dead cold voice, "Harry, you're a dead man."   
  
Just for minute Harry wasn't sure that Draco wasn't really serious. Muttering a few words to the Slytherins he walked out with all the aura of someone ready to have the fight of their life.   
  
They had barely gotten out of earshot of the Slytherins when Draco suddenly yank Harry aside and slammed him up against the wall.   
  
"Ok, Potter what the Fuck is going on? Do you have some kind of death wish? Because if so then by Sauron's Ring I don't mind fulfilling it!"   
  
Harry wrenched himself free of Draco's grasp. "Malfoy I don't have time for this. Something's happened to Ginny. She was in Potions when Snape sent her to the cellar to get some ingredient or other. Some time later the class heard her scream. Snape went down to see what had happened, but he came back fuming without her and nobody's seen her since. I've looked everywhere I can think of… and Ron's scoured the grounds. You have got to help me find her!!" At the end of the tirade Harry sounded almost desperate.   
  
"I don't HAVE to help you with anything," Draco muttered. Harry stared at him as if he hadn't heard correctly. The look he gave him made Draco want to break his jaw. Without bothering to explain himself he began to head towards his own room leaving Harry to choose whether or not he wanted to follow.   
  
Muttering a spell the door swung open revealing the empty room. Harry stared inside blankly. "She's not in here," he said apprehensively.   
  
"I can see that you stupid git!" snarled Draco.   
  
Harry was already pacing around. "Well if she's not here than we have to go look somewhere else…. We can't just wait around here for her to show up again!"   
  
"Will you SHUT UP! Why in Sauron's name am I stuck baby-sitting you? Of all the worthless, hopeless dicks on the planet…"   
  
"Do you know how to do ANYTHING else except insult people! I'm trying to help Ginny here!"   
  
"I'll bet… just like you helped Cedric. To the grave."   
  
Harry spun around furious and made an ill timed swing at Draco's sneering face. Three seconds later the two of them were on the ground with every intention of breaking as many bones in the other as possible. Having just bloodied Harry's nose, Draco release his grip on Harry's throat to make a cheerful swing at his stomach.   
  
Big mistake.   
  
Harry rolled, grabbed his wrist, crushed his tendons and flipped him on his back. Aiming to break Draco's jaw Harry raised his fist… and then stopped. He stood up suddenly shouting, "We have GOT to stop this! I hate you, you hate me, we BOTH want to find Ginny so we're going to have to work together. Just get up and fucking help me!"   
  
Draco felt such and incredible disgust in his throat he thought he would vomit. Why the hell did Harry have to be so damn noble? He could push it, he thought, Harry was already tense and if he wanted he could push this shining example of a perfect bastard into pure rage. What a wonderful feeling to know he could push every button Harry had. He already had him swearing. But Harry was of course right. Ginny was gone and that was more important then the incredible urge to permanently rearrange Harry's face. Rolling over and pulling himself up he buried his head in his hands muttering, "Tell me what happened again during her class so we can figure out what was bloody going on anyways."   
  
Harry wiped his messy nose, touching his purple eye gently. "All I got out of the students was that she was sent to get something from Snape's cellar. She was gone a few minutes and then they heard her scream. Snape went to give a look in on her and came back alone and angry. That's all I know, for all the good it does."   
  
Draco massaged his aching side and thought for a moment. "Something frightened her badly. Course she was tense today… I saw her during lunch and she looked bad, but Ginny's not a screamer by nature, she's more that type to get frozen when she's frightened, so whatever she saw must have been intense… like her worst fear..."   
  
Harry's eyes narrowed. "Worst fear? You think it was a boggart?"   
Draco nodded. "That's the only thing that makes sense. Considering she wouldn't be expecting it either… that can terrify a person." He thought involuntarily to the first time he had faced a boggart and seen his murderous father towering above him ready to kill. It was not something he had ever wanted to repeat. He wonder what Ginny had seen… and felt that horrible feeling in his gut. The fear and worry you feel when someone you love is hurt. Of all the disgusting weak side affects of loving Ginny that was the worst.   
  
Talking suddenly to hide his discomfort he said, "If she had wanted comfort she would have come here and waited. She doesn't want to be found."   
  
Harry swallowed. "That's… that's bad isn't it?"   
  
The open concern in Harry's voice made Draco furious again. In a voice dripping in sarcasm he ground out "Well give the boy a metal, gentlemen, he's managed to come to an unusually brilliant conclusion!"   
What right did Harry have to be concerned he thought angrily. He didn't love her. He didn't lay awake at night in misery just thinking about her smile or what she had said, even in passing, or that incredible sadness that always swam around in her eyes even when she smiled. He didn't understand that gut wrenching feeling of seeing her trace her fingers over still bleeding cuts with an inhuman tenderness. He didn't know anything.   
  
"Can you stop being an asshole!" hissed Harry. "For the last bloody time, can we please try and -"   
  
"If she doesn't want to be found she's going to go a place she doesn't know so that people won't suspect her of being there." Draco interrupted. He didn't want to listen to anymore of Harry's righteousness. "If she was really upset then her first priority would be to get away from everyone and then to get to a place where she could cut as fast as possible. She's probably still near the dungeons. It's a foreign area for her and no one would think to look so close to the dankness of that place. Give the chance of the halls shifting… "   
  
"Is there some room or some area where she would go or be shifted to? Some Slytherin hideout that the rest of us don't know about?"   
  
Draco raised an eyebrow. "There are some caverns… no that's not right, they're more like attics… past the that statue hallway towards the west end."   
  
He hadn't even finished saying the words before the two of them were already moving down the halls.   
  
The way to get around in Hogwarts is not to think about where you were going but feel forward and let the way find itself. They ignored the eerie hallway of staring statues saluting the wizarding worlds dead and passed to the halls that Draco spoke of. When they reached the rows of random doors Harry felt his stomach drop. They still had a lot of searching to do. Unlocking spells were muttered as they split up to search down the uneven rows of doors. As with everything in the castle, there was no arrangement and no system to the doorways, they went up down and spiraled into nowhere but both of them disregarded that fact… at this point finding Ginny was the only priority.   
  
Harry wasn't sure when it happened exactly but as he was coming down a stair case to the landing where they had begun searching it occurred to him that he hadn't heard Draco's voice calling for Ginny for a time. Looking around he found an open door hidden behind a winding staircase and entered calling, "Malfoy? Are you in there?"   
  
As Harry entered the first thing he noticed was that the room was lit with the unnatural light of a 'luminous' charm. Weaving in between the crates, trunks and broken statues he made his way inside… and found Draco kneeling down on the ground next the still figure of Ginny Weasly. He had barely taken in the expression of utter shock on Draco's face before he got a good look at her. What he saw made his knees weak and his stomach turn.   
  
She was laying utterly still in the midst of a pile of broken glass encrusted in what was obviously dried blood. Her robes were torn and clearly showing across her exposed chest were the red swollen words, 'I hate you'. Harry felt sick and dizzy. This hadn't happened, it wasn't happening…   
  
Draco's voice startled him. "Why?" he whispered in a voice so soft and sad that Harry wasn't sure it was him at first. "Why hate yourself, Ginny? How could you hate yourself?"   
  
Harry finally managed to gasp out, "I-I-I-s she-oh dear god--- is she--- she-"   
  
Draco snapped out of wherever his mind had been. "She's unconscious, you stuttering dolt. Quit gaping like star-struck Satyr and help me get her to my room."   
  
Harry's mind focused again and he said, "Are you mad? We have to get her to the infirmary. She needs help…."   
  
"No," said Draco firmly "Nobody else is ever going to see her like this."   
  
"For the love of Merlin, enough is enough! She's out cold due to blood loss and you're worried about whether someone finds out about her cutting? Get your priorities straight!"   
  
"She's not out because of blood loss. You have to loose a LOT of blood to pass out. It's more likely stress. I'm not asking your opinion in this Potter. You either help me take her to my room, or I put a memory charm on you, knock you out and leave you here till I feel like finding you. Make a choice." To better convince Harry of his seriousness he gripped his wand and raise his hands dangerously.   
  
Harry wanted desperately to just take out his wand and put Draco to the test, but Ginny's cold figure on the ground forced him to put his personal feelings aside. "Well come on then," he muttered. "You carry her, I'll scan the halls."   
  
Moments later they were off. Draco felt the lightness of her body in his arms as he hurried her to his room. For a moment he considered taking her to the infirmary. What if she had hurt herself and something happened? But she was still breathing, though shallowly and her pulse was steady even though it was faint. He pushed his doubts aside and followed Harry to his room.   
  
When they reached their destination Draco laid her gently on the bed and began to fish out the pieces of broken glass from her hair. Harry stood over him pacing nervously.   
  
"Okay, she's here. Now what do we do? Do we just wait around and let her come to?"   
  
Draco rolled his eyes and kept a cold face, but he couldn't stop the slivers of doubt from building up inside. "We have no idea how long that will be. You can't just carry her back to the Gryffindor house unconscious and not expect any to notice!!! We should wake her up. I don't have smelling salts or anything in here though. Is there a spell we can use?"   
  
"How should I know!?" shouted Harry "This is YOUR mess Malfoy, you figure out how to fix it!"   
  
"Harry, YOU'RE supposed to be the great wizard! Surely there's some spell you can use…"   
  
"We use potions for unconsciousness, not spells. And neither of us has access to anything useful…This is so stupid; two able wizards and we can't even revive a girl."  
  
"Can you do a mind probe on her? Sort of nudge her out of it?"  
  
Harry raised his wand, ready to take Draco's advice. But after a few incantations he gave up.   
  
"Draco, this is serious," Harry muttered nervously "She's not just passed out, it's like I can't reach her. Like she's hiding in her mind."  
  
Draco began raking his hands through his hair nervously, every moment more afraid that he had made the wrong choice and that she DID need to be in the Infirmary. "Can't you use something stronger?" he asked dubious  
  
Harry thought for a moment then said, "Wait. There is something…but no, I'd better not play around with it."   
  
Draco's attention was perked. "What are you talking about?"   
  
Harry began biting his nails. "There's something Hermione did a special on a few weeks ago… They're mind bridging spells. They can form temporary links between wizards; empathy, telepathy… but there very difficult to do."   
  
"What would it help anyways? I want her to wake up, not read her mind!"   
  
"No… it works differently. There was one they use for bringing people out of comas. A part of your mind melds with the other persons and you somehow bring them out of it… Never mind. It's a bad idea."   
  
Draco looked from Ginny to Harry in rapid succession.   
  
"Do it."   
  
Harry jumped. "No way. I'm not playing around with something that risky. If I get it wrong…"   
  
"Do it Harry. I'll figure out something. She has to wake up, Harry, before we get caught and this whole mess blows up in our faces. Are you going to wait for something to happen to her, or for those idiot Gryffindors to call a professor?"   
  
Harry wasn't sure why he gave in. Perhaps it was because he couldn't stand the sight of Ginny like that, so cold and pale. Maybe it was because he had never seen Draco in so human a form and it weakened his defenses. But in the end he was there, arms raised, trying to remember the words and the wand movement, trying to focus…   
  
  
  
Something was bound to go wrong.   
  
  
  
Ginny felt herself coil deeper in the darkness that had settled all around her. It was quiet here and comfortable and she was safe from the mess that lay around her outside.   
This was safe.   
  
This was---   
  
Suddenly she felt herself wrenched forward and shooting through space, time and reality so quickly the colors turned into streams of light and dark. She felt sick and dizzy and so completely out of control that she wanted to scream, but she didn't know how to.   
Almost before it had begun it was over she felt her consciousness falling head first in to an abyss.   
She wasn't sure what happened, but it was as if she had slowed in her fall and she was now semi-floating in a sea of ice. It was so cold! Her body--- but then she realized she didn't have a body. She felt a surge of panic sweep through her as she realized she was not physically present---where ever she was. She was there in some metaphysical sense, like a flame in the dark. But she was not impregnable to sensation and all she felt was cold. Penetrating soul raking cold. It ate through her from every direction, numbing her to any sensation beyond it's iciness.   
  
'I can't live through this,' she thought desperately, pain, darkness even death was better than this.   
  
Just when she thought she couldn't possibly take a moment longer in the frozen hell her conscious mind was drifting through, she came to some sort of barrier.   
A barrier meant there was something on the other side….something other than this deadly cold.  
  
She pushed forward trying to direct herself passed the liquid ice around her. As she pushed the barrier is seemed to mold around her, like steel becoming jelly and with out warning she was through.   
  
Out of the freezer into the fire.   
  
The emotions assaulted her in one merciless tidal wave. Nothing was solid. Everything was emotion. Fear, Anger, Lust, Love, Pity, Hate, Sadness crashed around her with no control or order, utterly unrefined and brutal. And everything seemed to rock to an unfathomable rhythm held by throbbing unending Pain. She now understood clearly why the coldness was there: it was the only thing that could contain this raging bloody thirsty emotional war.   
  
Her form as it was, was twisted and pulled by these emotions that weren't hers. She didn't belong here, she didn't fit in with the rhythm and the intensity and it would either purge her out or kill her…   
  
Then something shifted.   
  
Ginny wasn't sure if she had changed to accommodate the rhythm or the rhythm had changed to accommodate her, but she was there in the middle of a raging inferno and she belonged.   
  
No sooner had she reached the realization then she was sucked out, blasting through space once again. Sick, dizzy and lost. If it would only stop spinning, stop moving…   
  
And she opened her eyes and found herself, clutching desperately to Draco's shoulders. Normal body functions seemed to return to her slowly. Breathe in and Breathe out. Swallow. Blink. The thumping she could feel in her chest was a heart beat. Her heart beat. This was normal. This was fine except…   
  
"Draco, I can feel you in my head."   
  
Draco stared down at her blankly. Then he raised his gaze to where Harry stood trembling.   
  
"Harry, what the hell did you do to us?" Draco hissed enraged.   
  
Ouch. Pain. Anger. Cold. They all shot through her head making her cringe. As she cringed, he cringed making him even more furious.   
  
"Harry, what is going on? What's wrong with us?" Draco shouted, standing up and unconsciously carrying Ginny with him. Ginny moaned out loud.   
  
"Draco please, please stop. You're hurting me. I'm not used to this yet…"   
  
Draco swallowed feeling his eyes smart. He could feel her like a flame darting around in his mind cutting through the cold. He could feel every blinking throb of her emotions run through him in an uncheck stream, as the years of fine frost control he had built over his own feelings shattered like breaking ice by the act of hers invading him.   
  
It was heaven to feel so completely.   
  
But he knew all too well it must be hell for her to feel him raging in her brain. He was going to kill Harry…   
  
As the surge of anger flashed through him he felt it run through her as well. He fought to control it if only to spare her the pain of the feeling him.   
  
Ginny felt her vision swimming. They were too close, and even though she had never felt so complete feeling his emotions swimming through her head, it hurt her like nothing she had ever felt before.   
  
Harry stared at them both, misery written in every feature. "I must have gotten the spell wrong. I knew I shouldn't have tried… well this is brilliant. I think I must have given you an empathy link. I'll undo it I promise! But I can't now… I have to find the right spell or else I'll make it worse---"   
  
"Will you shut up!" Draco shouted. He was going to continue but Ginny spoke to him instead.   
  
"Draco please, don't shout. It's not you're fault but everything hurts right now. I have to go or I will pass out again… Dear God this hurts! But I'll come back soon. I promise I'll come back."   
  
Draco looked down at her, her face lined with concentration as she tried to control the storm going on in her mind. Nothing seemed to come easy to them.   
  
Ginny jumped at the jolt of Regret, Sorrow and Love that washed over her. Then she laughed. A true genuine peal of laughter that made Harry stop his furious pacing and brought a responding laugh from Draco's mouth at the wonder of feeling Love wash over their minds.   
  
Harry looked at them dubiously. What on earth did they have to laugh about? This situation had gotten completely out of control with huge ramifications and they were laughing!!? But they were caught up in private joke all of their own of which he ---once again--- had no part in.   
  
"Ginny," he said suddenly "We need to get back to Gryfinddor. Ron's out of his mind with worry and the others are going to call Professor McGonagal if we don't show up soon."   
  
Ginny turned to look at him as if she had seen him for the first time. She nodded after a moments consideration, then leaned forward brushing her lips against Draco's and left the room.   
  
As soon as they were out in the hall Ginny felt the weight in her head decrease. It was still there but not enough to make her head throb. Harry watched her closely and saw how she gained her composure with each step. Distance seemed to lessen the intensity of the connection.   
  
  
Presently she stopped. "Harry, I need to get washed off before I go to the common room, so I'll detour in a few minutes to the bathroom," she said when they were in the Gryffindor part of the castle. "Thank you Harry, for helping Draco find me. Draco's thankful to even though he doesn't know it. I'm sorry I scared everyone… But I'm fine now, much better in fact."   
  
Harry listened to her amazed at how steady her voice sounded. He had no idea her nerves were that strong.   
  
"I'm so sorry I got the spell wrong, Ginny, so very sorry. I promise I'll fix everything…"   
  
Ginny laughed again. "I think you just may have done the right thing this time, Harry. And stop apologizing about things that don't matter. Here we are. I won't be ten minutes, so wait for me okay?"   
  
Harry nodded and leaned against a wall exhausted. Then he chuckled to himself. Sirius, the Tri-wizard tournament, Snape and Voldemort he could deal with. But little Ginny Weasly was giving him an absolute run for his money. She was so much more than she seemed. And when she sat there laughing with Draco he had seen something that scared him more than when he had watched her pale figure convulse on the bed as he cast his spell. They had a world of their own and he had just helped to cement it, with himself on the outside. At that moment he accepted that whatever was to happen to Ginny was above and beyond him. He just prayed that by the end of it she would be alive, safe and happy.   
  
Ten minutes later Ginny stepped out the bathroom a changed girl. Harry recognized some spell casting here and there to cover obvious blemishes, but on the whole a hot shower did wonders for her appearance. He stood up and offered her an arm which she took as they both headed for the common room.   
  
"So what alibi are we creating for this fiasco?" ask Harry lightly. The ambience was easier now than ever before between them and Harry felt it keenly.   
  
"The truth would be the best route," answered Ginny. "After a horrible day I was caught off guard by a boggart and instead of listening to Snape's relentless taunts, I left, got lost and fell asleep until you found me. Simple."   
  
Harry nodded slowly; it did make sense. But something still bothered him.   
"Ginny, what DID happen?" he asked.   
  
She stared straight ahead unblinkingly and answered, "What I just said. I wish it was more dramatic but it isn't. I just got caught off guard and over reacted. It's been a long day Harry. Such a long day…"   
  
As her voice trailed off Harry watched her face change in the dim light of the halls. A collage of emotions played across her face in the shifty luminosity and for the thousandth time he wondered what she was thinking. What had his miss-matched spell done to her mind?   
  
When they entered the common room the students who had waited up to see what had happened to Ginny assaulted them both in an overwhelming crowd. Harry took hold of the anxious Gryffindors while Ginny was swept away by her frantic brother.   
  
Ron hugged her, shook her then hugged her again. "Where were you, you little fool!?? I was so scared! What would I have told Charlie? Or Mum? I ought to KILL YOU! You're alright aren't you?"   
  
This came out in one rush as Ron held her in a breathless embrace. Hermione was the one to pry him off, taking Ginny to sit down and explain what had happen. Ginny told her tale with as little drama and emotion as possible. Ron was soon satisfied that she was safe and that he was safe from any irresponsible wrath or so he let on and after she had told her narrative in sufficient detail and played up how exhausted she was they released her to her dorm.   
  
Ginny fled them feeling warm, exhausted and giddy. She had never been so terrified as she had been that afternoon, but none of it matter nearly so much as the presence she felt like an ocean breaking against sea rocks in the depth of her soul. Even under the covers of her bed safe in the dorm room she could feel Draco's emotions swirling inside her mind. They were incredibly brutal and they clashed with everything she had felt before, yet they fit with and completed every emotion she had ever held inside. When she had been in his room the power had been so intense she couldn't separate what she felt from him. At this distance it was clearer and better adapted. With an intoxicated smile she let his emotions roll over her like a multi-colored sea. So much anger. So much hurt. Pain tainted everything he felt, even love. But Love was there. It was rich and tangible and it balanced everything, even the ice shattering cold. Ginny closed her eyes and just felt. Because nothing had ever felt this good.   
  
  
  
  
After Hermione had left him to go to bed as well Ron stayed awake pacing the Gryffindor common room. He didn't know what was bothering him. Ginny was back safe. Harry was being less of a git over her and everything seemed to be going fine. So why was he so disgruntled? Ginny… something about her wouldn't leave him alone. His little sister was always his little sister. Nothing bad could happen to her. But today when she had disappeared a real fear that something awful was going to happen had gripped him. Over-protectiveness? Maybe. But when she had come back he looked her over and it was like he had seen her for the first time. She was too thin, but that wasn't the problem so much as she had a strained look to her that had not been there before. There was something in her eyes he didn't recall seeing… and nothing explained those scars on her arm. The thought of Persephone being the cause was ridiculous. But what then? And Why did she lie? It bothered him to no end, but he didn't know what to do. Exhausted finally, he went wearily up to his room. He would have to watch his little sister carefully.   
  
  
For a week Ginny was forced to avoid Draco at every possible turn. There were times when she wanted to be with him but as soon as she got close to him her head throbbed so intensely that she had to run in the opposite direction to keep from passing out. Harry told her the spell would wear thinner with time, but he didn't know how long and he wouldn't risk a counter spell on them until he was sure he knew what he was doing. It didn't matter to her, she WANTED to feel Draco in her mind, she just wished it didn't hurt so much. But she was learning that love and pain seemed to be intertwined; one did not come without the other. Even so as the days passed she taught herself carefully how to modify what she felt. Slowly she built mental blocks that soften the assault of Draco's persona on her mind. Each day she could get a little closer to him without her head splitting in two. And then one day she felt a complete mental shift occur in her mind and she knew she was ready to see him.   
  
  
  
  
Draco lounged carelessly in the Slytherin common room, focusing on the flame burning in his head. Every where Ginny's persona touched she left a sort of lingering warmth that was completely alien to him. He grabbed on to it in his mind and let it course through him. He knew guiltily what she must be going through to have him in her mind. The cold and the anger and the pain. But he wouldn't relinquish his piece of her mind, not even to spare her his… she was like a drug. Ginny was something he never thought he would have again. She was hope.   
  
But right now he could feel the link between them shifting; dimming and strengthening in tides. He smiled to himself as he rose to leave the room. She would come looking for him soon. Good. He had missed her terribly.   
  
  
When she got to his room he was already sprawled on the bed waiting for her. He sat up when she came in and looked her over. She looked back at him unfocused for a moment trying to contain all of his emotions and hers. Suddenly she smiled.   
  
"Nice to see you."   
He still looked at her carefully, "Is it better now? Your head I mean… can you be this close and not get sick?"   
  
"I'm fine," she answered.   
  
For a moment they were silent and just looked at each other wondering what to say. What could you say to someone who you could feel in your mind? It was Ginny who broke the silence first.   
  
"What happened last Tuesday? You were so upset I could feel it all the way in my room like a double edge razor."   
  
Draco grimaced. "Letter from Father. Threats, back-lash, 'you worthless disgrace to wizarding kind…' the usual."   
  
Ginny sat down next to him, titling her head towards him. "What does he want from you? To start a lynch mob in the school under Dumbledore's nose?"   
  
Draco laughed bitterly. "Actually that idea would probably have a great appeal to him. I don't know what he wants. Some sort of assurance that when school ends I'll join him." His eyes darkened "He can do whatever he wants I won't give him the satisfaction of cowering."   
  
"Will he leave you alone?" asked Ginny concerned.   
"For awhile," answered Draco. "I wrote him a long letter demanding that Trelawney get sacked. That should please him well enough."   
  
Ginny stiffened. "Will he listen to you?"   
Draco's eyebrows perked. "Of course he will. She'll be gone in a week."   
  
Ginny didn't say anything but her silence couldn't hide her feelings. Draco leaned back carefully, gathering his coolness over him like a protective cape. "It bothers you when I do things like that doesn't it," he said after a time.   
  
"Of course it does. It's cruel to make someone lose their job, just because you don't like them."   
  
"She's a useless fraud."   
"I know that."   
"But you're still upset."   
"Yeah..."   
"I don't understand you," he muttered.   
  
"Yes you do," she answered gently. "You know that when you lash out at people I cringe. But I accept it because I accept you and I can't accept you in pieces."   
  
He hated her then for her for being logical and calm. He loved her for loving him in spite of his hatred. And he could feel her in his mind, gentle and patient like she always was when she was around him and her calmness frustrated him to rage.   
  
"Why are you angry at me?" she asked suddenly.   
"Because you confuse everything. I have all the rules worked out in proportion in my mind and everything fits. I'm miserable but everything fits. Then you come it all shatters, because you don't fit, but you're the only thing that matters."   
  
She started at his abrupt admission; she hadn't expected to hear that. "Do you realize what you just said?" she asked quietly.   
His eyes narrowed dangerously. "I know. See what you make me do…"   
  
Ginny leaned forward and for a moment he thought she might kiss him again, but she didn't. She just looked at him deeply in the eyes and said, "How about if we let go of how it should be in your world and how it should be in mine, and just BE while we're here. Right here and right now we don't have to answer to anyone else but ourselves."   
  
Draco's jaw tightened dangerously at first, but she would not back down and she had that smile on her face that he couldn't resist. Out of the blue he chuckled to himself. "You are very dangerous," he said seriously.  
  
"So are you. That's a place to start."   
  
It was easy after that. She could needle him into a blaring rage and then cool him down with word. He fought hard against her assault to make him happy and forget what would happen once that went back to their respective realms, but it was hard. He knew that the fantasy world they indulged in would end as soon as they were apart. Once she left he was still head of the Slytherin helm, captain of the tyrants and son to the most lecherous man in the wizarding world. He would have to make a choice at the end of the year whether or not to join his father and the easy and safe choice was to follow the man whether he believed in the cause or not. Letting one snippet of a girl trip through his mind and meddle in his feelings was not only pointless but dangerous. But every time he wanted to tell her to go away and leave him alone something in him fought against his own will and he ended up chasing behind her.   
  
She blossomed like fire in the days that followed. Draco had thought he had known her before, but now he realized he had only seen a shadow of her true character. Unrestrained in the freedom of feeling, he was startled at how vivacious Ginny was. She would appear out of nowhere with some daring challenge to accomplish and drag him along in spite of himself. She loved the Forbidden forest at all hours, she didn't seem to be afraid of anything it could throw at her. She would bring him to places where wood sprites and tiny elves lived introducing him into a magic world he had completely ignored. This Ginny was always up some tree trying to reach an unattainable fruit without a care as to tears thorns or brambles, showing him how real and alive she was being finally able to shrug off the monotony of repressive unhappiness. He wondered sometimes as he watched her how anyone could NOT be in love with her. What was wrong with those Gryffindors? So she wasn't beautiful… but still. He realized then he was seeing a side of her few saw and couldn't help grinning… he was the luckiest person in the world.   
  
It was like that for many dizzy weeks. Time was irrelevant, as were the thoughts and opinions of other people. It was a time for discovering one another inside out. Ginny learned so much in that time. She finally understood why Draco didn't touch her. It had bothered her a little at first. She had seen plenty of couples and she clearly remembered Ron when he had first officially started dating Hermione; he couldn't keep his hands off her. She had long since accepted that she and Draco were nothing close to a normal couple of school kids dating, but she wondered why he avoided touching her. Now she knew that it was his way of controlling the state he found himself in with her. He needed to feel like he had some control over his emotions or else the whole situation would overwhelm him.   
  
There was the hate as well. It frightened her sometimes how much he hated everything… even her sometimes. Ginny had never really seen how far the mental damage that his life had done him extended, she had somehow assumed that since he had stopped cutting he had gained control over the all the pain, fear and anger that propelled that sort of self destructive masochism. She was wrong. In lashing out at other people he had channeled one form of hatred to another. They were interchangeable feelings. Nothing was resolved. He had no peace and no sanctuary.   
  
Except with her.   
Because he did love her.   
  
That was something Ginny couldn't quite get a complete hold on. It balanced every other ugly feeling that ran through her head. She had never been loved before, at least not to her knowledge. It changed everything. On those horrible horrible days when cutting seemed like the only way out Draco could feel her struggle and he dosed her with a wash of love that flooded her whole system. There was no guessing as to when one of them needed the other… the could feel and they knew. When they were together they didn't need to talk, things were understood without words messing up the meanings.   
  
But then there was the down side. As time went on Ginny could feel something growing inside Draco that was bitter, cold and ugly. At first it just mingled with the other emotions and she ignored at is some sort of irritation with the way he lived. But later it got bigger and bigger until it was no longer a passing emotion but a malignant tumor.   
  
It was like growing despair.   
  
She asked him about it one day when they were out after dark on the grounds. The air was finally warming up and the grounds betrayed the coming of spring even in the dim moonlight. She was sitting on the grass breathing heavily from the aftermath of her play with nocturnal pixies. The show had entertained him for awhile, but that feeling that had been growing crept up on him and she just couldn't ignore it any longer.   
  
"Just tell me what's going on, Draco. I can feel it but I don't understand. Has your father written you again?"   
  
Draco laid back in the grass and avoided her eyes letting his breath out in one rush. He wished he could pretend like he didn't know what she meant but he did all too clearly.   
  
"He writes…" Draco answered, indicating his father. "I ignore him, most of time. But it's not that. People are talking again, saying something is going to happen."   
  
Ginny froze. "Another up rising? This soon? That's impossible!"   
But Draco shook his head in the negative. "Not an uprising… it IS too soon. But some followers are nervous after the last failure and they want their strength doubled quickly. Some Slytherins are saying they may have to leave before the end of the year and join the Death Eaters. And it's not just Slytherins. I've heard rumors from the Ravenclaws and even some of your precious Gryffindor followers. They're calling people in to strengthen reserves…"   
  
Ginny felt her throat constrict; she knew what was coming next before Draco even said.   
  
"It's one thing Ginny, to avoid answering Father when he writes his stupid letters, but I thought I had time to disappear after school ended. If he tries to put a claim on me before the year is over… I won't have a way out."   
  
"You can't join them," she said not bothering to try and hide the panic in her voice. "You can't. They'll kill you inside out mercilessly if you do. They'll---"   
  
"I'm not condemned yet," he interrupted. "It is all rumors up until now. It may be just a scare to keep us 'inheritors of the realm' on our toes. Don't think about now. Tell me something entertaining while we still have time."   
  
She knew he meant while they still had time before it became too dangerous to be out upon the grounds with Filch prowling about, but in her mind the words seemed to echo like distant warning, telling her that her little bit of happiness was running on a clock and time was slipping like grains of sand through the waist of an hourglass… sure to run out sooner or later.   
  
  
  
  
Ron Weasly was getting nervous. The more he looked into the case of his sister the more uneasy he became. It had started with Colin. He had asked the skinny photographer if he had noticed anything different about Ginny lately. Colin didn't know, except that she seemed to keep to herself a lot. He said she seemed a little down, but he really didn't know. Then he added, 'But Ron, tell her a decent bug repelling charm, she always itching in class from the mosquitoes.' Ron had ignored the comment until he too noticed Ginny scratching her arms one day. He asked her about the bug bites, but she refused to let him see her arms. The situation was completely normal, but why on earth she would refuse him something like that made no sense to him. He wanted to ask Hermione's opinion but somehow he couldn't pull the guts to admit he was worried about Ginny… the past few weeks had shown him how little he really knew about her.   
  
Things really frightened him later on. He was looking in a picture album for a photograph of himself and Hermione he wanted to have especially framed for their anniversary, when he saw an old picture of Ginny at the Burrow, spinning in a great field, full of incurable laughter. Every once in a while the picture would fall over in a great gasp of laughter, eyes sparkling with such exuberance in her face that he had to laugh and it suddenly dawned on him… how long had it been since he had seen that look on her face?   
  
He started looking for pictures of her, recent ones. There weren't that many… it seemed she had been avoiding the camera lately, but the ones he did find had none of the Ginnyish quality that he had known in her. The more recent the photos the more distant and vague she looked. What had happened to his Ginny Winny?   
  
'I've been a hopeless brother,' he thought as he stared at a picture of her sitting on the outskirts of family photo staring somewhere off in the distance. 'Something's wrong and it's not PMS or any blood short term thing and I don't have clue as to how I can get her to open up to me.' He sighed. 'I hoped Harry is taking care of her. I hope she's alright.'  
  
  
  
Okay:   
To those who like a little fluff, enjoy this chapter. That's about as fluffy as this is going to get. To those who like the angst, don't worry, next chapter I'll be back up to mark. To those who feel like they'd rather die than read another chapter as gory as Chp. 4 don't worry, next one isn't that bad.   
  
Climax is next chapter, and then I should finish this story in a couple of chapters. We're almost done here folks.   
  
To anonymous and =( and anyone else who really wants to talk to me:  
  
I would love to email all of you, but it's not allowed in my family. I did email someone once… I was caught and the ramifications were disastrous. The sad thing is I really have so much I'd like to share with you all, that's I'm really disappointed I can't correspond. Please to anyone, who asks me to email them, if I don't email, it's not because I don't want to, but because I really can't for fear of getting in serious trouble.   
  
To =(   
About your friend… I don't know what advice to give you in regards to his/her cutting. People react to cutting differently. Some people WANT their friends to know, they need someone to be there for them. Other's feel cutting is very private. I can say feel your friend out emotionally, before you act. DO NOT telling any sort of authority, that ALWAYS back fires. If you do decide to confront her/him, just try and being understanding, don't ever talk about them quitting and see if you can get her/him to admit the reasons why the feel self-abuse is necessary. Hope I helped  
  
Violet Jersey: thanks for the theme song, I downloaded it. It's cool!  
  
Darker child: I'm so sorry to hear you're down… I have to battle with that so much… Don't ever let other people get you down, which is me being totally hypocritical because half the time I cut it's either self-disgust or because of other peoples' disgust in me. I can tell you that no matter what society thinks, cutting is a better solution to depression than drinking or drugs. I'm a med student, so I can have some authority there. But whatever happens, YOU take care of yourself, for YOU and if that's too hard, do it for me, which sounds lame, but I take your reviews very much to heart. You sound so much like me sometimes… we would have been great friends. As for friends not writing, that's THE STORY of my life. Well I'll always write you up in my chapters okay? Take care  
  
Ann H Lin:  
Sorry you think this story is too angsty… but I have to deal some serious issues. I do assure you that you've gotten passed the worse and that it's lighter from now on. And almost over. No more that three chapters to go.   
  
Riverwinde: this chapter probably has some mistakes in it. I'm in such a hurry to up load I'm sure I haven't edited properly. Sorry   
  
LilyAyl: You are dead on about self hatred. It's all coming to head son… just wait and see. ('pull a Harry'? that is so cute!)  
  
  
  
TO EVERYONE: Check out Black Dragon's section on fanfic, she's an excellent writer and very undiscovered. (Megan, you take care and be happy, okay?) 


	7. Hemorhhage

Disclaimer: They're still not mine. I promise.   
  
This chapter is not happy. But it's important. Bare with me on this one.   
Notes to my reviewers at the bottom.   
I'll just say sorry right now for any mistakes.   
  
Don't fall away, and leave me to myself   
Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding   
in my hands, in my hands again   
Leave love bleeding   
in my hands, in my hands   
Love lies bleeding   
  
(Hemorrhage in my Hands: Fuel)   
  
  
  
"And then our great Master of Bravery actually screamed, a girly scream mind you mates, throwing the bottle of beetle juice IN the air as the spider crawled on his hand. THAT is a real token to Gryffindor bravery…"   
  
Draco's voice could be heard throughout the entire hall. It was the third time he had reenacted Ron's misfortune in Potions that day and the entire Slytherin table was in a hysterical uproar.   
  
Ron was fuming, being forcibly held down by both Hermione and Harry to stop him from beating Draco's face in.   
"Just ignore him," Hermione whispered "He's trying to get a raise out of you, don't give him the satisfaction."   
  
Ginny sat farther down at the table eating her steak and kidney pie, apparently oblivious to what was going on. Of course that was a façade, in actuality she was experiencing everything Draco was…   
It wasn't very pleasant.   
  
He had not received any letters from his father or heard any new rumors to justify this particular attack on her brother. No… this was spurred by pure malicious cruelty as far as she could discern.   
  
"Well what do you expect from a second rate moron in a second rate family? Oi Ronniekins, how's it feel to be second hand in everything? Second hand side kick, second hand robes… hey is that one of the ones I donated to charity last year? Fancy seeing it on you…"   
  
He was pushing his limits. Ron was never any good at controlling his temper and if Draco kept at it, he wouldn't be fighting Ron with magic but with his fists. Ginny swallowed a large gulp of pumpkin juice and waited.   
  
"… even a second hand girlfriend. Does anyone have any estimates on how many times the Mud-Blood shagged Potter before she got bored and went for the second?"   
  
Ginny put her glass down. He had done it. Ron was going to kill.   
She didn't bother to listen to Ron's swearing or turn around to see him launch himself across the Gryffindor table at Draco. She tuned out the cheering and the booing from the hall and focused for a moment on what feelings were running through Draco's adrenaline drench mind. He loved a good dirty fight. She swam around in his emotions for a moment until she felt filthy then she stood up and left. No one noticed her leaving in the hectic state the hall was in.   
  
She wasn't worried about her brother, Ron could hold his own against any fistfight in the school. And she wasn't worried about Draco either, a teacher would come and stop the whole mess soon enough. She just walked quietly outside and waited.   
  
Draco was being wrenched out from under Ron and Professor Snape was giving them both detention. Draco put on a dramatic act of being innocently attacked by a rabid Ron, which of course all the Slytherin's attested to. Draco watched Snape's face twist with pure hatred towards him (Snape never liked him) but as always the Professor was overcome by a sordid will to make the Gryffindors the losers. The Gryffindors were raging furiously, but Snape let him off in the end. Draco walked out sore but entirely satisfied. He wasn't sure where he was headed but he felt like moving with the adrenaline rush still working on his system. It took a few minutes for his mind to stop racing and for him to think rationally again. The first question that popped into his mind was why he did what he did. It wasn't something direct from home or something at school that triggered it; it was deeper than that. His eyes narrowed. Part of it was Ginny. He wondered silently what her reaction was… he wanted to see if she was angry or disappointed, he was sure she would be. Would she yell at him? Or be upset? Or sulk? He hated sulking. Pansy Perkinson sulked over everything. Ginny was not a sulker, but after the display he had given… In his mind, he felt for her presence… and drew a blank. The sensation, or lack thereof, startled him. He searched harder and felt a faint presence of her, but it was weak.. like she was very far away. That wasn't right, she couldn't have left the grounds and her persona was never this faint even when one of them was at Hogsmeade. Without warning he felt panicky. He had to find her.   
  
Ginny felt his panic rising. She hated doing this, hiding from him in his own mind, but she didn't like being played with and if he insisted on trying to pull her strings she'd make him own up to it.   
  
It was fifteen minutes before he stumbled upon her in the grass in one of the secluded courtyards surrounding the school. When he saw her teasing Persephone with dandelion fluff he felt incredibly furious.   
  
"Ginny where have you been?!" he shouted   
"Right here," she answered evenly. She didn't even look up.   
Draco wondered if she could feel him in her mind, or if whatever change had taken place was one-sided. She certainly didn't seem worried about anything… but what if she didn't care about not feeling him in her mind? What if it wasn't as important to her as it was to him? The coldness built up like an ice wall around him… which was abruptly shattered by the stun of her persona breaking through.   
  
"I don't like being iced out," she said quietly.   
Draco jumped. "I couldn't feel you. Where were you?"   
  
"In you mind, just hiding. When you rampage like that it gives me a headache. It easier for me to hide you know, till you quiet down."   
He scowled at her. "Why the bloody hell did you do that?"   
"Why the bloody hell did you attack my brother?" she retorted.   
  
It was enough to incite him further than he had planned to go. A malicious smile curled across his face. "I felt like getting someone. Ron is SUCH an easy target. That felt so good today…" He could hear what he was saying and how it sounded. He could feel how angry she was getting with every word but he couldn't stop. It was a compulsion he felt to push her as far as she would go and she knew it just as much as he did. The knowledge that he was intentionally trying to hurt her made her furious. She almost gave in. It was so tempting to just shove him out of her way, but that was exactly what he expected her to do.   
  
Damned if she was going to give him the satisfaction.   
  
"Why are you pushing me away?" she demanded. "Don't give me any bullshit about it being for the rush or whatever you call it, you're doing this to force me into some sort of corner. You know if you don't want me near you just say 'Ginny, I don't want to be with you anymore'. Trust me I'll leave and you'll never see me again. But don't you DARE take the easy way out and try to force me to walk away. I won't. I won't just decide to hate you and I won't condemn you as an inhuman monster and decide that you're not what I thought you were. I KNOW exactly what you are, Draco and you're not going to get a quick painless exit. If you want me to leave, tell me up front, but don't hide like a coward behind some make shift wall of cruelty."   
  
This was like a poker game where some one had just called his bluff. He hated that she had seen through his display and worse, called him on it. And called his a coward. He was risking everything just standing there with her and she called him a coward? His face twisted angrily and without meaning to he was yelling.   
"You are such a little fool, Ginny! I've told you again and again that this-what we're playing at-is dangerous. I'm not good. I'm not kind or gentle or anything you want, so just make it easy on everyone and get out now." His voice dropped. "It will be so much better this way. I know you think this will end happily but it won't. Ginny---" he took her by the shoulders, even though she flinched away. "-Ginny something will happen. We'll both just get hurt…"   
  
"You think I'm not already hurt? Do you think the reason why I put up with you is to escape pain? Ha! Isn't that a sort of contradiction of terms? I don't bloody care! I just want to BE damnit! Not be good, or happy or reasonable, JUST BE! Preferably with you. And I don't care about logic and common sense I just care about getting from ONE DAY to the next and making it out alive. I WANT YOU to be with me. But if you don't want that then tell me so I can get on with my life."   
  
She was so damn analytical. She was so honest. She drove him insane. He wanted to hit her, or shake her… something that would make her see what a Black Hole they were throwing themselves into.   
  
"We are going to loose. Do you understand that? One way or another we are going to loose everything."   
  
She shook her head. "If I spend what little time I have doing what I want, with whom ever I want, I can't loose everything. At least I'll have the experience. You only loose everything when you die." Ginny swallowed. She didn't want to say what she was going to say but it was bound to come to this sooner or later. "I can't fix everything that happened to you. I can't make up for all the terrible things you went through, nobody can. But you have a choice. You can live passed it and get hurt or you can lock yourself in and be safe. But YOU make that choice, don't try and force it on me."   
  
He gazed at her through narrow eyes that made him look cold and cruel. She didn't flinch under the stare, but waited for him to say something. She unnerved him and what was worse, he was sure she could feel it as well. He wanted to take her hands and forget everything except her… but he was being pulled by too much hatred and cold fear to let go. Draco closed his eyes unconsciously and hoped desperately that when he opened them she would just disappear. He focused on the spiraling florescent lights behind his eyelids, until he felt her change in his mind and his eyes snapped opened. And lo and behold she was leaving.   
  
His breath caught in his throat and before he could stop himself he called out, "Hey! Where are you going?"   
  
She didn't turn around. "Somewhere, anywhere," she answered "The forest, maybe. It doesn't matter."   
  
So that was it, he thought. All he had to do was let her walk away and they would both be free. Well. That was easy. Swallow. Breathe. Just let her go… But then her head disappeared behind a dip in the landscape and his nerves shattered. 13 seconds later he was running behind her, praying he was still in time and that he could catch up.   
  
  
  
  
Time seemed to flow faster when they were together. She could feel it passing her in a whirlwind, bringing some undeniable future closer. Ginny fought back by focusing on the present, getting through each hour and minute at a time. The future wasn't important even if it was just around the corner, haunting her with a defeat to her piece of happiness.  
  
  
  
  
The pancakes were filled with blueberries and dripping with melted butter and syrup. There was no better way to begin a morning than with blueberries pancakes, sausages, eggs and hot coffee. It was that dreamy time of year when the weather was warm and everything was alive. Ginny was thoroughly enjoying her breakfast with Neville beside her, telling her about his mysterious 'girl'. 'She' helped him in the greenhouse and 'she' understood him like none of his so-called friends could, "except you of course, Gin", he said. He wouldn't give her name but he was happier than she had seen him in a very long time. 'She' had apparently not had it easy at school, but he would not give details only saying that 'she' needed to be taken care of and he didn't mind doing it one bit. Ginny grinned at him over her coffee cup; it was good to see him chattering again. Everything felt good this morning.   
  
The mail came in a storm of flocking owls dropping parcels to those who were fortunate enough to get them. Ginny got a letter from Charlie in the midst of Teen Witch subscription letters and advertisements for magic hair gel. She tucked the letter under her arm to read in the quiet of her dorm later and focused her attention back on Neville who was now talking about his work with healing plants and how much easier it was than learning how to apparate, which was what the other seventh years were doing. She was lifting her mug for another swig of coffee when something shot through her head like lightening. It shook her up so much she fumbled with her glass, sloshing hot coffee everywhere. Neville was already mopping her off when she focused again.   
  
"Ginny, what's wrong? What happened? You just blacked out on me," said Neville concerned.   
Ginny answered him without hearing her own words. Something was wrong with Draco. She had never felt such panic run through him before. She tried her best to send some sort of comfort to him through their link and get him to calm down, while trying to find his platinum blonde head in the crowded hall.   
  
Draco Malfoy sat staring at the letter in his hand. At first he had thought it was just another threat from his father, something annoying, but that could be dealt with. But one look at the transcript and he saw the hand was by his mother, written very hastily as if she was rushing to get the letter done. The monthly notes from his mother were always supervised by his father and this clearly was not… it could only be a warning of some sort. But he was in the Great Hall with a room full of people; this was not the time to panic. He hid his discomfort under a sneer and a complaint that his allowance was late. He accepted Ginny's waves of empathy gladly and swallowed down his nervousness for later.   
  
The day seemed promising enough for Ginny. She had studied hard for her latest potions exam and had come out on top though Snape tried his hardest to cut marks where he could. Harry was being less hovering than usually and Ron had taken out time after lunch to sit with her at his own request. The two of them had taken her memorisphere and were calling up some of the most hilarious Weasely family moments they could think of. Hermione joined them later on and got her an inside view of Ron's first teddy-bear turned spider scene and watched as Fred and George reigned havoc on what was supposed to be a Weasely family reunion. (The usual, turning hard-boiled eggs raw and making their mother's famous triple layered truffle turn into a spinach and liver casserole)   
  
It would have been perfect fun if Ginny didn't have the constant uneasiness wavering off Draco. She tried to make time to see him, but her schedule was helpless and she couldn't pass up time with Ron… her brother was acting worried about her and she wanted to reassure him. She made up her mind in the evening that the next morning she would try and search him out before breakfast and find out what was wrong. In the meantime she went to bed early so she could get an earlier rise the next day.   
  
Ginny woke in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. A wave crashed over her making her bite her lips to keep from screaming. Panic. Pure maniac terror and unreasonable fear. Ginny was completely disoriented and in so much pain she could just barely breathe.   
  
'Draco what's wrong?' she thought out before she realized that he couldn't read her mind… or feel her concern most likely because his emotions were so strong they over powered everything she felt. It hadn't been this bad since that first week when she had had to deal with the novelty of feeling Draco in her head for the first time.   
  
It took all her concentration just to stand up, take her wand and leave the room. Even then she walked straight into a wall in the first three steps. She stumbled to the door and wandered blindly down the steps.   
  
Harry was sitting up in the common room staring blindly at the walls. He couldn't sleep. He had tossed and turned for hours to no avail. In the end he gave up and instead headed to the common room to begin practicing the counter spell for the empathy charm he had put on Draco and Ginny. He wanted to be able to perform it perfectly if the time ever came up when they wanted the charm removed. Not that that was likely to happen… he wanted to be furious with Draco, but he had to admit that Ginny had been the happiest he had ever seen her in the past month. Well it didn't matter anyways, he had long since given up… then he looked up and saw Ginny stumbling across the room completely oblivious to his presence. She seemed to be heading for the portrait, but what worried him was that the expression on her face was one of extreme pain.   
  
"Ginny where are you going?! Are you alright?" he asked in an urgent hushed whisper.   
  
She started at his voice and stared at him blankly for several seconds before she comprehended that it was him before her.   
  
"Harry, I'm fine," she muttered trying to get to the portrait, but he blocked her way.   
  
"Ginny, what is going on? You can't go sneaking around at all hours of the night! And Gin, you don't look well at all… sit down and tell me what's wrong."   
  
"Oh, Harry, I don't have time for this! I'm fine just leave me alone!" she snapped. Then softer she said, "Something's wrong with Draco and I have to get to him. Just let me go and the sooner I leave the sooner I'll be back."   
  
Harry hesitated. This didn't seem like a good idea at all to him. "How are you planning on getting to the Slytherin Boys' dormitory in the middle of the night? Ginny just wait it out until morning…"   
  
"Harry this can't wait! I don't have time to explain and justify myself to you, just GET OUT OF MY WAY!"   
  
Harry knew better than to argue with Ginny when she was in that sort of state. He stepped out of her way and watched her scramble out of the portrait hole.   
Standing defeated he whispered,   
"Be careful."   
  
Ginny knew that Draco would not be in his dorm room or even the Slytherin common room. He would never let his guard down anywhere near other people. So she headed towards his room still trying to maintain focus. When she reached there she whispered the spell to open it and stepped inside. Right away she knew he wasn't there, what she was feeling in her mind would have been blaring if he was. But where did he go?   
'He doesn't want to be found,' she thought anxiously. What on earth had happened to him?   
  
Realizing she didn't have any guide at all to get to him she just concentrated on the strength of their link and tried to follow it to him.   
  
When ten minutes later she stumbled into some musty room at the end of another dark corridor, the panic in her head had reduced to a violent menacing despair that was so potent it almost brought her to her knees. She found him hunch up in a corner with a crumpled letter tossed on the floor next to him and his head in his hands.   
  
He was bleeding everywhere.   
  
She didn't need light to see it, she could feel it just like she could feel him. As she got closer and her eyes adjusted to the light it was so clear it made her chest grew tight. His pain beat in her head like a second heart and before she had said one word she was already crying.   
  
"What happened?" she whispered. She had gotten down on her knees but when she reached out to touch him he flinched away.   
  
"Go away," he barked. His voice sounded hoarse and strained. In her mind she could feel him try to build up his usual ice wall to block her out but he was too upset to do it properly.   
  
"I'm not going anywhere," she said angrily. She stared at the blood running from his hands and arms, deliberately seeping through the junctions of his fingers. He had been raking his hands through his hair and now the blonde was streaked with dark red. The sight made her breath hitch and she felt incredibly sorry for every time she had let him see her cut herself. It was so different when the bleeding was not yourself but someone you loved. The pain was so much worse. One look at him made her voice turn gentle. "Draco tell me what's wrong. Is it the letter?" with out waiting for a response from him she reached down and took hold of it. The light was poor but enough that she could read the shaking nervous hand.   
  
" I must write quickly because he'll be home soon. The Death Eaters are rallying and he is mad with rage. He wants to lead, but they doubt his ability because of you. He's sending them to bring you by force if necessary. Draco they'll hurt you! Please you mustn't get hurt! Just don't fight them and come. I know you don't want to but if they hurt you I'll die. Please don't fight them and when your home, I'll keep you safe.   
  
Please listen to me.   
N "   
  
Ginny choked when she read the note and began shaking her head, trembling. "No. No you can't. You can't go to them please!" but when she turned round he was cutting again with his copper dragon blade snaking over his skin.   
  
His next words chilled her to the soul.   
"I can either lose or lose. They're coming soon, very soon that much is obvious. And they'll either put an imperious curse on me, knock me out or kill me. If they try and take me by force I'll kill myself. Didn't you say you only lose everything when you die? Well I've lost. Lost" He was cutting the words in his arm.   
  
"That's not true! There is still time.."   
"Time for WHAT! To gather my things so that I'm ready to go when they come to take me away? It's over. I told you it would end like this."   
  
"Shut up!" she shouted, panic swimming through her veins. "We have to do something…"   
  
"There is nothing to do," he continued in that dead flat voice that made dread fill her until she thought it might spill over on the floor around her. Then he said, as if it was a new revelation to him, "I'm going to die. One way or another I'm a dead man." He stared hard at his wrists.   
  
"If I'm going to die anyways, it will be on my terms."   
  
Ginny felt like she heard the words in an echo. It was almost in slow motion that she felt herself wrench upwards and grab his arms.   
"DON'T. YOU. DARE." She said in tight barely breathed whisper. But he was beyond her. Every feeling was intensified and lethally sharp. She was not very strong compared to someone who had played Quidditch for six years, but she clung to him, trying to hold his hands still as though her life depended on it. She was fighting against his will and he was trying to shake her off to put a quick relatively painless end to a tragedy he had always known would end bloody. If she would just move, this could all be over…   
  
Ginny was not about to lose him like that. Even when she felt her muscles twist, she held on and even when she felt the skin on her arms split under the uncontrolled blade she held on and when she finally felt like her strength just might give out she called in her last resort.   
  
She kissed him.   
Hard.   
  
For a moment his body froze and Ginny took the opportunity to wriggle her way into his lap. In one way it was comical… she had always indulged herself into believing that if she ever kissed Draco it would be deep and romantic, not this rush panicky franticness. But it didn't matter. Even when he woke up under her the instinct inspired by her teeth nibbling on his bottom lip, it was not important. How his hands unclenched themselves and drew her in, crushing her until she could hardly breathe and how her bottom lip split when he kissed her too hard didn't matter all compared to the significance of the clatter caused by the knife falling out of his hands.   
  
As soon as she heard it she pulled away enough to stammer out, "Don't you ever, EVER do that again. Ever. So help me God, if you do I'll kill you."   
He shut her up with his mouth.   
  
Draco's first clear thought after she began to kiss him was that this was painful. Everything exploded in their minds with destructive clarity and it was impossible to separate their feelings as two different entities. It was just one raging super nova and Draco wondered silently just how far they could go before one of them passed out. She was saying something. He fought not to smirk; she was optimistic if she expected him to comprehend speech at this point. In fact if she had the presences of mind to formulate words he wasn't doing his job well enough. But what she said was important.   
No it didn't have to end like this.   
No it didn't have to end at all.   
There was still time for them to get a way and of course she was coming with him.   
They would survive.   
They would be happy.   
  
And for a moment he believed her. While held this skinny plain red head (she was so tiny!) who had completely over thrown and rebuilt his life he could believe that they could get out. They would be together and that was all they needed. Surely between the two of them they had enough magic to protect themselves from Death Eaters and they would be alive and that was all that matter…   
  
She let go of his wrists to wrap her arms around his neck as he held her face in his hands, smearing it with blood. Her eyes were so dark they were almost black and they still shimmered with unshed tears and for a moment he could believe…   
But when she brought her arms up he saw that she was bleeding. It startled him like ice water being thrown on his face. She had not been cutting. She had not been bleeding when she came in he was sure. Why on earth was there blood dripping off her arm in three places?   
  
Then it hit him. Sometime during the struggle he had cut her.   
  
"Ginny, I cut you," he said, feeling all the previous passion drain out of him like water from a tap. Ginny blinked uncomprehendingly, what was he on about?   
  
"Ginny," he said his voice growing more and more frantic by the millisecond "I slit your arms! You're bleeding damnit!" he was shaking her with out realizing it and his eyes were so wide he really did frighten her. She looked down at her arms and saw where he had cut her. They long gashes but she wasn't sure how deep. Why was this at all important?   
  
"Draco," she said gently "It's alright. It doesn't matter…" and she pulled herself up to kiss him, but he pulled away and made her cool eyes focus on his livid ones.   
"But I hurt you! I promised, I SWORE that I would never hurt you…"   
Ginny shook her had and actually smiled. "Listen to me," she said in her calmest voice, "I swear it doesn't matter at all. I don't care, just hold me…"   
  
The look on her face made his heart shatter. She couldn't hide the physical pain she felt, but forgiveness washed over everything. He had seen this look before. When he was young, very young, his mother had had the same look on her face when he asked her about the bruises his father had given her. She had even said the same thing, that it didn't matter. And now Ginny, his Ginny had the same expression on her face. Because he had hurt her. Even though he loved her and he was willing to sacrifice everything to be with her, he had still hurt her. And he would hurt her again, it was inevitable. Physically or mentally or emotionally like when he had senselessly attack her brother he would lash out to hurt her, not because he wanted to but because something inside him had broken long ago and never healed. And it pushed him to either hurt himself or the people around him.   
  
He knew he could ignore it. He could kiss her, make love to her, leave and take her with him, but the truth was there. Even if he didn't hurt her immediately it would happen one day and repeatedly, until he had either broken her down like his mother or she left him, because love couldn't cure everything and love couldn't save everyone. Both options were not acceptable. And even if he did leave, those Death Eaters were going to hunt him down until they killed him and in all likelihood she would die as well. That was also not acceptable. So when she reached up and kissed his neck he actually laughed at the paradoxes in his life. And he gave her one last soul shattering kiss before he took his wand and whispered the words to make her pass out lifelessly in his arms.   
  
  
  
And that ends this chapter.   
  
Next chapter is a long haul round up. If I get my way two chapters of the actual story are left and if you want, one epilogue. I'm sure everyone is sick of reading this thing. I never meant for it to be this long.   
  
Okay notes. (Sometimes this takes as much time as writing the chapter! There are so many things I want to say to you all)  
  
Aaren: *smacks my hands for grammar errors* I'm sorry about errors… maybe when the story is done I'll go back and fix them. Harry and Ginny are focused up close next chapter and Draco… well do you like Harry/ Draco show downs?  
  
VioletJersey: Enough angst this chapter? I don't get to watch hardly any TV but I'll check out your show sometime.   
  
Puddles: Aawwweee, you don't have to say stuff like that. I thought the last chapter was so close to cheesy that I was almost scared to upload it. This one… well it's over with. Glad you're enjoying the story  
  
Jackie: Former cutter? Good for you. I respect automatically anyone who can starts cutting and then stops. Try and stick with it. I am 19, I'll be twenty in a couple of months. I still don't have a life, but who's counting? ;) I hope I'm conveying this right… the cutting. You know, so I hope I'm doing okay.   
  
Lanky: 'Get in on'? Any more subtle and I'll have to misunderstand you. No I don't write sex. Sorry, not this story… I'd have to totally ruin any romance in it by making realistic and you'd hit me in the end  
  
Butterfly foloren: I'm glad you understand what I'm writing… I'm trying so much to get beyond, just a D/G romance. The way you described yourself, about feeling flooded by just living… I can completely relate to that. Sometimes it seems like staying sane just takes so much energy. Hang in there, because things pass… thanx so much for your review  
  
Darker Child: Haha, so I can't write fluff? You are so right! I was writing this chapter and thinking… if I read this somewhere I'd want to hit the author (smacks herself in the forehead), but considering I intend to shatter the relationship soon, I figured a little happiness might be nice. Anyways, I hope this is angsty enough for you… if not then the next 2 chapters probably will. YOU"RE feeling hostile towards my family? That makes two of us. *rolls her eyes* they love me, but love can kill if you know what I mean. Do take care all the same… you know I think about you lots, hope you're doing okay. Life has a real nasty habit of kicking you when you're down. My advice is to kick back. BTW the poem? That was gorgeous.   
  
Dani800: I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. There is a difference between cutting and suicide, most cutter adhere to it. I'm sorry your friend got a such a raw deal. I congratulate you on being able to read this when it discusses something that is so painfully connected to you and still say I'm doing a good job. Never ever feel like not being able to cut yourself is a weakness, it's a gift from God. I want everyone to know, there is nothing romantic about cutting. It's a painful slow hollowing process that makes you feel dependant and undermined. Drugs are worse and alcohol… three bad ideas. Write when your down, even when it's gibberish.   
  
Amanda Mancini: Who wrote 'The perks of being a wall flower'? I'd love to check it out.   
  
Cailey: HI!!! I remember your review for Silver Scars and I was hoping you'd read this so I could finally tell you…as I've told others, I'm not allowed to write people I don't know (yeah I know, 19 going on 4) and I've crossed that line once with severe ramifications. Am I cutter? Yeah. I think that's pretty obvious. You've quit for month? Good for you. The most I quit was for 3 months and that was because of a deal I made with my friend. I know you can quit cutting, the problem is wanting to. But hang on even in the tough times… they do pass. I wrote a poem for a friend of mine called 'the postcard', if you ever feel like cutting again, read it and be strong.   
  
Riverwinde: A TRILOGY? NO WAY. This story ends and if one person asks me for another sequel I'll scream. No offense, but dredging this stuff up… I can't do it anymore. Draco… he is so difficult to write. I want him to be in character. But in the books there is not a shred of anything good about him. So I try to balance it some. Was he too mean in this chapter? I did justify it I thought… I mean tired to. I don't know how well it came across. Oh well. Yell at me for grammar mistakes…  
  
Nightangel: YOU LIKE NINE INCH NAILS!!!! YAY!!!!! Finally. Did you see that chapter four I think is started with their song 'the Fragile'? I love that song. And this song: 'the perfect drug' was one my BEST friend in the World (my platonic Draco) sent to me so you are now at the top of my favorite reviewers list. I love this song… and I guess it does fit here. Thanx for your view.   
  
Princess Natasha: Another cutter trying to quit? I beginning to feel like a real weakling in front of all of you brave people who are at least trying. I had to get the chapter done so I've been really busy and I have exams for the next two weeks so If don't review your story, don't be mad, I WILL READ IT. I try and read as much of you guys stuff as I can… just be patient. Keep trying to quit. To get out of this vicious cycle is the best thing you can do for yourself.   
  
Myself: Glad you like the sequel ;) 


	8. Chasing Dragons

Disclaimer: If I own them, then there is something wrong with my bank statement.  
  
And around we go again. Too much dialogue this chapter but it's necessary. Sorry this is so long in coming, but I had finals, and I only come to school two times a week. Mistakes? Plenty I'm sure, just try and forgive me.  
  
So lately, been wondering  
  
Who will be there to take my place  
  
When I'm gone you'll need love  
  
To light the shadows on your face  
  
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all  
  
Then between the sand and stone  
  
Could you make it on your own?  
  
(The Calling: Where ever you will go: Did you really think I could write this fic without using this song at least once?)  
  
  
  
Draco wondered exactly what he thought he was doing. Carrying an unconscious girl in the halls passed hours was the perfect way for Filch to catch him. Just what he needed at the moment. Even as he made his way to the Gryffindor common room he wondered what the hell he was going to do there. He didn't know the password and he couldn't bang on the damn portrait until someone answered. But, he reasoned, he'd think of a way to work it out once he got there. Right now he needed to focus on getting Ginny back to safer ground.  
  
When he got to the portrait of the Fat Lady he started stupidly at her. She was sleeping but the minute he put his hand on the door she awakened, thundering, "Password."  
  
Draco opened his mouth to say something (make up something that sounded Gryffindorish –like death to all Slytherins-) But before he could, the portrait swung open.  
  
And out stepped Harry.  
  
"Is someone there?" he asked, but then he saw them; Draco looking near death carrying an unconscious Ginny. Harry stared blankly at the two of them before Draco hissed, "Well are you going to just stand there staring you stupid git, or are you going to let me in?"  
  
Harry shook out of his surprise and ushered them in quickly and quietly. Once they were there, Draco laid Ginny down on a couch and stood silently over her. Abruptly he turned around towards Harry again, his face masked in that impenetrable expressionless ness.  
  
When he spoke his voice was a vocal reflection of his face.  
  
"Harry I'm leaving. I have to go tonight and quickly and I won't be coming back. Did you ever find a counter spell for the link you gave us? Because you have to dissolve this link right now."  
  
Harry swallowed, trying not to let his mouth hang open. Without a word in response to Draco's request he lifted his wand and spoke a low incantation that Draco immediately recognized. The room took on a shimmery glow as it became coated with a Silence Bubble which would effectively let them speak without waking the rest of the dorms.  
  
As soon as the spell took full form Harry turned and faced him.  
  
"Okay. Before I do anything you better tell me what the bloody hell is going on."  
  
Draco threw his hands up in frustration. "Harry I don't have time for this! You know the damn spell, just say it and get it over with---"  
  
"NO. YOU listen to me for a change. First of all, Ginny disappears in the middle of the night and then YOU bring her back unconscious AND bleeding, telling me you're leaving and I'm just supposed to accept that?! Not on your life, Malfoy! If you want to leave this place without a duel then start talking."  
  
Draco growled deep in his throat but he knew when he had pushed Harry far enough. One look at his rival told him that arguing would just make him lose time and he knew he'd be defeated at any duel that was begun. Even though usually Harry's attitude would have sparked him to further entice the boy, he clamped down on his jaw and keeping his eyes narrowed he said,  
  
"Look Potter, Death eaters are coming and they're coming for me. I have to get away. Now I can't very well leave and still have a mind link with Ginny so will you please just say the counter spell and GET OUT OF MY WAY!"  
  
Harry gasped aloud at the information being handed to him. Draco was running away from Hogwarts to escape death eaters. He wanted to leave Ginny behind. Harry saw a million problems with the whole scenario. Taking a step towards Draco he said, "You haven't thought this through in the slightest! If Death eaters are after you then the safest thing you can do is STAY HERE. Go to Dumbledore for help you moron, running away will only get you caught faster!"  
  
"You want me to go to DUMBLEDORE!" shouted Draco "Are you mad? Tell Dumbledore, 'yes sir, my father is a death eater and he's after me, please protect me…' that's insane. First off I don't trust Dumbledore at all and even so, how is HE going to help? Don't you remember third year? He couldn't keep Sirius Black out of Hogwarts and that was just one person. We are talking about a fleet of DEATEATERS. I stand a better chance on my own."  
  
Of course Harry couldn't argue that Sirius Black was not evil, it wouldn't do any good or help the situation. In fact Draco did have a point. Could Dumbledore keep determined death eaters out if they were after someone? But surely if the risk was compared, staying at Hogwarts was safer. And then he looked at Ginny. What would Ginny do with Draco gone?  
  
"Have you thought about her?" asked Harry pointed to the sleeping figure on the couch. "Have you figured out what she's going to think when she wakes up and you're gone? I may hate you, but I'm not blind. You're the only thing that makes her happy. What's to happen when you go gallivanting off, how is she going to cope?"  
  
Draco listened to him with growing rage. Every word personified the frustration he had always felt towards Harry from the first. Springing across the room he grabbed Harry by the scruff of his pajamas and slammed him forcefully against a wall.  
  
"You stupid asshole! It's you and her stupid brothers that make Ginny what she is you know? This constant idea that she's so helpless and dependant on everybody… like if you just fucking leave her alone for two seconds her world's going to shatter, it's disgusting. You think she's so fragile… well it's only skin deep. Underneath that there's this tower of raw energy you've never even seen. Ginny does not need me. She doesn't need those overprotective brutes and she doesn't need YOU. The only person she needs is herself. SHE has enough strength to stand just fine on her own and she's FINALLY realizing that. If you gits would just leave her alone she'd be so much better off…" he trailed off growing gradually introspective as though he temporarily forgot that he had Harry pinned up against a wall. "You really don't have a clue about her in the slightest. You've never seen her in her element… she moves so fast you have to run to keep up with her. It's like she's on fire…." He suddenly snapped back to reality. "You," he sneered "wouldn't have the stamina to keep up with her. You couldn't, even if you tried. She's above and beyond your whole scope of feeling."  
  
At that point Harry yanked himself out of Draco's grip. "Don't go on and on about me not understanding anything. Do you think you are so much better for her? Bringing her in here bleeding like that? You don't even want to see her get better, do you? You want to keep her drowning in this pool of anguish so that you two meet on some bloody level---"  
  
"SHUT UP HARRY!" bellowed Draco "I don't want her to get better? HOW DO YOU FUCKING DARE SAY THAT! Do you know she hasn't cut in three weeks? THREE FUCKING WEEKS!"  
  
"All thanks to you I suppose," muttered Harry "Well well, Draco Malfoy, finally the hero of his own soap drama…"  
  
But Draco didn't blow up this time he just shook his head in a weary, almost defeated way. "Of course you're wrong again. I didn't have anything to do with it. She just discovered herself. You don't know what that's like to realize your own potential. Once you do you just can't settle for things to be the way they were before. It's why I have to leave, why I can't take the risk of being caught by those monsters. And it's why she stopped cutting for awhile, even though she didn't realize it. Oh I don't know how long it will last, but I can tell you this: She needs to know she can depend on herself and that you MORONS will let her do just that. And so help me, if I find out that you people manage to destroy all the progress she's made when I'm gone, I'll come back from the grave if I have to and kill you."  
  
He was dead serious.  
  
Harry straightened himself and looked over to Ginny then back to the glowering figure before him.  
  
"Tell me what I have to do. How can I help or not help… I know you hate me. I know she practically hates me as well. But all I want is for her to be happy and be safe. I'll dissolve your link, but first tell me how to deal with what's going to happen."  
  
Draco felt a surge of anger bubble up in him over the superiority of person that Harry conveyed. He wasn't foolish enough to think Harry was intentionally trying to infuriate him, it was just his nature to be noble. The real truth behind Draco's constant hatred over the 'boy who lived' was that in situations like this, it showed painfully clear how much of a better person Harry was in character. 'Ginny really should love him,' he thought bitterly. But he pushed the thought out of his mind. Instead he fought the urge to antagonize Harry further and answered trying to maintain the same dignity that Harry conveyed, "Don't try and be there for her. However she reacts in the morning the only thing you need to do is be there when she wants you, not when you think she needs you. Believe me she'll let you know. You can't save her, Harry; no one can save anyone from themselves, but you can give her space and give her time until she wants your help. In the meantime just leave her the hell alone. " He paused for a moment and then continued, "Harry have you ever cut yourself?"  
  
Harry jumped at the question. "WHAT?! Of course not!"  
  
Draco rolled his eyes, "No, you asshole, I mean generally just hurt yourself."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Do you know when a wound starts to heal, it scabs and then it starts itching. You understand that don't you? The itching, that's worse than the pain. Lots of times you just scratch and scratch till you've torn the scab off and it's bleeding again. Letting yourself heal is the hardest part of all. Ginny, she's healing inside, but it's the itching that gets her, it's the itching that gets us all. It's letting ourselves heal. She has to heal herself… you just try and keep her from picking the scabs..."  
  
His face, his whole being changed so much Harry was taken aback. He actually looked human, like he cared and just for a moment Harry understood that there might be something in him that Ginny really did love.  
  
But it was not the time for hindsight or introspection. Harry stepped back from Draco clutching his wand nervously.  
  
"I'll do my best with her, I promise," he said. He waited a moment before he spoke adding, "Are you ready for me to dissolve the link?"  
  
Draco swallowed and then gave a curt nod.  
  
Harry raised his wand a spoke several long words, trying to keep his hands steady for the delicate wrist movements. As soon as the words were spoken, a blaring blue light flashed from the wand and Draco felt a clenching strain pull at his mind. Like a rope being drawn tightly from both ends his mind strained until the metaphysical link snapped leaving in it's place a gaping emptiness that Draco was not prepared for.  He almost reeled before he remember he was in front of Harry Potter. He'd be damned before he showed Harry any weakness on his part.  
  
"Did it work?" asked Harry cautiously  
  
For a moment Draco didn't answer and then he simply nodded weakly. Harry began babbling nervously, "There might still be remnants for awhile you know. For an empathy link to work in the first place there has to be some previous connection between the two people, so if you still get echoes of the connection for awhile, don't be surprised. They will fade eventually, but I'm not sure---"  
  
"Harry, will you shut up?" snapped Draco.  
  
Harry kept quiet. He was beginning to think that 'shut up' was his phrase for the year.  
  
Draco wanted to walk over to Ginny, to see her one last time, but he didn't trust himself in the slightest to be near her and think rationally. Instead he stood up straight, glanced her over just once, then nodded to himself as if making a decision and headed towards the portrait. Before he got there though, Harry stopped him.  
  
"Do you know where you're going? Or how you're going to get there?" he asked  
  
Draco shrugged still dazed by the emptiness left after Ginny's mind faded from his and said, "I don't know. Somewhere. Through the forest probably. On foot for the most part, but I'll take that Firebolt 3000 that father bought me. I can't disaparate from here, can I? Probably better anyways, I might fumble it up and start leaving body parts along the way."  
  
Harry nodded silently as he followed Draco out of the portrait.  
  
"Keep an eye out for Filch," he whispered, as they were no longer in the Silence Bubble Harry had created. Draco nodded then disappeared down the corridor.  
  
  
  
As Harry re entered the common room he felt suddenly drained. He couldn't believe that what was happening WAS happening. He looked over at Ginny still sleeping and thought of what he was going to say to her in the morning. Then he thought of Draco and his desperately slim chances of escaping the maniacs who were after him. Suddenly he was seized by an idea that he didn't bother to think through, but decided to act upon immediately.  
  
  
  
Draco was slinking down the halls trying to get back to the Slytherin area so that he could arrange for his escape. He was just turning a corner, when he felt he heard footsteps behind him. Fearing Filch he reared around prepared to blast the man if necessary, but it was Harry again, his arms filled with things.  
  
"Harry what the bloody hell are you doing here?!" he whispered fiercely "Trying to get me caught?'  
  
Harry shook his head breathless and then pushed the bundle he was carrying into Draco's arms.  
  
"What the fuck is all this?" hissed Draco trying to get a hold on what Harry had given him.  
  
"Just open it you git," muttered Harry in a dizzy way, still breathing hard from his flight.  
  
Draco unraveled the bundle and watched as a gaping cloak spilled onto the floor.  
  
"An Invisibility Cloak?" he said astonished.  
  
"My father's," explained Harry quickly. "And here is a map of Hogwarts, that shows where everyone is inside it. See that dot there is for Filch. You're lucky he is on the north tower tonight. I want to show you this passage here by the Hag statue. Filch doesn't know of it and it leads straight to Hogsmeade. You can find your way better after that."  
  
Draco just stared from the items to Harry and then back again, completely lost for words. Was Harry helping him? Why was he helping a sworn enemy?  
  
"Harry are you mad?" he said "Why are you doing this?"  
  
Harry smiled. "I'm the hero, remember? This is what heroes do. Now get out of here, Filch is on the move."  
  
Draco stared at Harry for a moment longer and then threw the cape over himself and vanished from sight. As he rushed down the corridors he finally felt it dawn on him. He had always wondered how the good side won when they never compromised, never betrayed. But right then it was clear. Good people won because they did the right thing.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Ginny's consciousness swam forward, fighting towards the light like a swimmer in deep water trying to reach air. Pushing through the swamp of her unconsciousness she fought forward, reaching… and suddenly she was awake. Sitting up groggy from the sleeping spell she blinked uncertainly at her surroundings.  
  
She was in her nightgown, on a couch in the common room. And this was all wrong. She shouldn't have been there at all, but her mind wasn't working and she wasn't sure why. It felt just like Christmas morning all over again.  
  
Christmas.  
  
Goyle.  
  
Draco.  
  
Where was Draco?  
  
And it hit her all again in that same dizzy whirlwind of emotions and she knew she should be with Draco but she wasn't and then she realized…  
  
She couldn't feel him in her mind.  
  
Panicked ripped through her and she leaped off the couch, stumbling to the floor. She was here and Draco wasn't and that was wrong. She needed to find him, find why he wasn't there, why she was there and why she couldn't feel him in her mind.  
  
And as she stood up shaking, she found she was facing a very weary Harry.  
  
He looked awful. She had never seen him look so drained. But she didn't want to deal with Harry so she pretended not to be interested in him and simply walked passed him to the portrait.  
  
"Ginny it's just barely passed five in the morning. You don't want to be up right now."  
  
"Harry…" she muttered impatiently.  
  
"Ginny it's raining outside and you're in your nightgown. You can't go out doors in these conditions---"  
  
"Harry who said I wanted to go outside?"  
  
He face froze as if he had over stepped some boundary.  
  
"Harry," she said carefully, "Is there something you know that I don't?"  
  
Harry began to chew his lip. There was no point in beating around the bush on this, but he didn't want to be the one to tell her… but then who was going to? Was she supposed to wait until they discovered him gone at breakfast?  
  
Becoming resolute he said, "Ginny, Draco brought you back last night. You were unconscious and he made me revoke the empathy link I gave you. He left. He is trying to get away from those people who are after him, but he wants to do it on his terms…"  
  
Harry felt his voice trailing off. Her face had gone ashen, whiter than the blood stained nightgown she had on and her freckles struck out so sharply it liked she was pox-scarred.  For a moment he thought she would faint, but she didn't. As soon as he stopped talking she spun away from him and went tearing down the hall as if a league of dragons were after her. Or she was after them.  
  
  
  
Harry had finally learned not to follow her. So instead he went back to common room and wandered up the steps to his dorm room. And from there he looked out of the window to the dreary gray morning that was splattered with rain. He wondered if Draco was out there in that cold and if Ginny was going to follow. He wonder if anything, even the love of her family would stop her if she made up her mind to go after him.  
  
He wasn't sure how long he was staring out the window when he saw her; a tiny figure in white looking lost, wandering through the rain. His heart wrenched inside him at the sight of her. He wanted desperately to run down and get her, to bring her upstairs and keep her dry and warm and safe. But he couldn't. He could catch her when she finally fell down in the mud. He couldn't carry her upstairs, and he couldn't save her. He could only watch and wait.  
  
Slowly he saw her pick her self up and stand. For a long moment she stared in the direction of the forest but then she turned around and headed back slowly to the school.  
  
Harry couldn't stop himself from going back down to the common room and awaiting her return. She entered the room some time later, wet and shivering, looking so frail that he was tempted to just wrap her up in his arms right there, but the look on her face stopped him dead.  
  
"He left me. Just like that. Left me here all alone…"  
  
Harry felt himself growing red as he stuttered, "No no it wasn't like that at all! He had to get away and he didn't have a choice. He said that he didn't have any options and that he loved you---"  
  
"LIAR!" she shouted angrily "Draco would die before he ever admitted that to you. If you're going to lie to me at least try and make it realistic."  
  
Harry rub his temples in agitation, having already split his lip earlier; he hadn't meant to make up anything. Rethinking his next words careful he said, "You're right he didn't say he loved you. He didn't have to. It just showed. You're the only thing I've ever seen that makes Draco Malfoy turn human. Ginny—" he took a hold of her shoulders gently but firmly. "If there's one thing I've learned in all this it's that you can't save everyone. And –" he recalled Draco's own words "You can't save people from themselves. You can help but they have to do it on their own. Draco has to do this on his own."  
  
For a moment he thought he had gotten through to her but he wasn't sure. She just pulled away and walked almost blindly to a chair. He saw really how tiny she was all wet and muddy, some of her scars seemed to jump out at him. The lightening bolt at her elbow, the 'I hate you' across her chest, which had faded unevenly to look like odd half written letters and the three red marks on her arms.  He saw her split bottom lip and her kiss swollen mouth. There was an almost sickly brightness to her eyes and she stared out in front of her and he realized that she was going to become ill if she didn't get changed and warmed up.  
  
"Ginny, go take a bath," he said "Change your clothes and go back to bed. Things will look different in the morning."  
  
Draco had said that once.  
  
She ignored him completely curling up into a protective ball on the chair where she cried harsh racking sobs to herself. Harry knew better than to say anything else, but just sat in chair away from her and waited.  
  
  
  
  
  
At seven o'clock in the morning Ron Weasley woke up and stretched. It was still early but he knew himself well enough to know that there was no chance of getting back to sleep. He looked around and saw Harry's bed was already empty.  
  
'Count on Harry to make an early start,' he thought. Then he thought that perhaps Hermione was up as well to catch up on studying. The perfect time for him to corner her and tease her with ridiculous innuendo all of which she would brush off while blushing beautifully behind her Arithmancy book. There was no better way to spend a morning.  
  
He leaped out of bed and tiptoed down the steps not wanting to waking anyone else. All would be ruined if they had company (Harry didn't count) and he could…  
  
His planning stopped when he reached the common room. The first thing he saw was an empty table indicated that his lady love was still fast asleep. He then saw Harry also asleep, but he looked a mess. What had he been up to?  
  
He walked further into the room to inspect Harry. It was then that he saw his sister. She was still curled up in the chair, wet muddy and shivering. All thoughts of Harry let him as he rushed over to see her. He leaned over her and touched her cheek. "Ginny winny? Are you---"  
  
He didn't finished his sentence. Her eyes snapped open to reveal a haunted feverish look that he hadn't seen in her since she was five years old and sick with the chicken pox. His analysis of her was rapid:  
  
Cold  
  
Wet  
  
Remnants of what looked like blood smears on her face and hands.  
  
Bottom lip split  
  
Mouth, kiss swollen  
  
Hickey being painfully clear on the left side of her neck.  
  
Absolute lost terror in her eyes  
  
"HARRY WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SISTER!" he bellowed.  
  
Harry awoke startled and gasped at the blaring raving giant who was his best friend. He had never seen him so upset in his life!  
  
"You have FIVE seconds to give me an explanation before I kill you. Start talking."  
  
Harry stuttered rapidly jumping out of the chair, "I didn't do anything to her, I swear by Merlin's beard---"  
  
"WRONG ANSWER," growled Ron advancing quickly. It looked like the scene was about to get very ugly very fast, but Ginny had already jumped up was saying, "Ron RON, stop it! Stop NOW! He didn't do anything, he didn't touch me!"  
  
Ron turned to face his sister standing in that skimpy night gown that was only half dry. She was pale and trembling, but she had a look of such anger and determination that he stopped himself from breaking the general structure of Harry's face.  
  
"Ron you have no right, NO RIGHT to attack anyone like that, especially over me! Just stop all of this now. I'm so tired of you bullying your way into my life like this…"  
  
Ron stepped back stunned to hear her talk like this to him. He opened his mouth to respond but before he could, he watched her sway gentle on her feet, then sink to her knees on the ground. Rushing to her aid, he knelt down next to her, his movements becoming gentle at the sight of her ill, but she pushed him away.  
  
"I'm fine, Ron, just leave me alone," she said wearily, but he ignored her and helped her stand to her feet. As soon he touched her face he felt her burning up with fever.  
  
"That's it, this will have to wait. Ginny you're burning up, I'm taking you to the infirmary."  
  
"No," she protested "I'm fine, I'm just---" but before she could complete the sentence she fell to her knees again.  
  
Ron picked her up without a word and carried her to the portrait that Harry was pushing open and Ginny felt too weak to protest. As he carried her down the halls with Harry behind, that feeling of impending doom almost swallowed him whole. He looked to see her face and saw a glassy look in her eyes that frightened him to no end. He couldn't lose her, not his little Ginny, not his sister…  
  
When he reached the infirmary Madame Pomfrey was already up and about. She took one look at Ginny and called for a bed to brought quickly. Even as they bundled her up in hospital robes, Ron could still plainly see what he was sure Madame Pomfrey noticed and what Harry was clearly trying to avoid.  
  
Scars.  
  
Hundreds on tiny sliver scars… making crowns, crosses and rosaries over his sister's skin.  
  
  
  
  
  
Thank GOD that's over with! Next chapter is the LAST THANK GOD plus a short epilogue after that. So no, Draco's not joining the Death eaters, no no one is dieing yet (she's just sick it will pass) and NO Draco didn't kill her or anything like that.  
  
Happy ending? Hmm…. It depends on your definition of happy. Are they going to runaway and get married? Of course not. Is she going to fall in love with Harry? Not on your life. Am I going to kill Draco? Don't plan to. Is Draco coming back? Not telling.  
  
Notes to my reviewers:  
  
Jubilee: I know you're a writer… X-men fan? One of my other obsessions. Thanks for all the support.  
  
Lily the undead elf: Do you REALLY think after all the energy I invested making Draco human I would undo it all and make him a death eater? No no… he lives I promise. Happy ending? Depends on your definition of happy…  
  
Darker Child: Hey hunny! I missed you. You know I never feel like a chapter's been reviewed unless you review it. You like NIN too? Cool!! I thought I was the only one into alternative rock. I was listening to the song Long Day (Matchbox 20) and for some reason I thought of you.  
  
'Sorry bout  
  
the attitude  
  
I need to give  
  
When I'm with you  
  
But no none else  
  
Will take this shit from me  
  
And I'm so terrified of no one else but me  
  
I'm here all the time  
  
I won't go away…' Just made me think of you  
  
Look about your friend… you know you're lucky you didn't have to watch it happen. I had a friend who went through something similar (no drugs but all the rest) and I had to be there and watch. That's why I dropped Fanfiction last year… that and the fact that my father wasn't speaking to me. Yeah last summer was straight from hell. So how are you? Doing okay I hope… coming to terms with your school and all those people… it's tough I know. Hang in there and smile fore me. Oh and NEVER stop rambling, that's the way I like, even though the constructive criticism keeps me on the ball. Take care okay? ;)  
  
VioletJersey: aaawwee, don't be depressed because of me… I know this isn't the –ahem- happiest story on fanfic, but it gets… a little less dark. Eventually. Sort of. I think I'll just stop here.  
  
Diamond Tears: Cutting does seem almost common these days. Maybe it's just that stories like this attract people, like moths to a certain flame. I don't know any other cutters around me, and writing on fanfiction has been great in making me feel less of a human island. I know Ginny doesn't come off as being very strong in this… I actually prefer a stronger Ginny as well, but this story put itself together, and being really fucked up doesn't necessarily make you weak (I hope, looks at herself in the mirror). Um… sorry about ch. 5, I needed to write that, but it WAS pretty ugly. No more graphic scenes will be in this story I think, so you're safe there. Hope you like the ending that's coming up…  
  
Nightangel: So how IS your friend? Did you talk to him/her and work things out? I know it sounds weird but there is a huge difference between cutting and finding out a friend of yours is cutting. When that happened to me I literally fell apart. I felt so guilty, like I was directly responsible for my friend's actions. I really hope it worked out with your friend and that you are both okay. And don't worry, you make perfect sense…I'm glad you like my lyrics… I put a lot of work in selecting which songs to use, and I always wondered if anyone ever reads the lyrics anyways, nice to know someone does. I LOVE alternative rock (it's about all I listen to, I can't STAND pop) To throw a few bands at you I like: Incubus, Lifehouse (real faves of mine) Matchbox 20 (Rob is MINE) Staind, Linkin' Park, NIN, Defttones, and lots more.  
  
Kat Riddle: Hi there!  
  
Myself: NEVER stop babbling. I love babbling. I love constructive criticism and I like it when people tell me what they really think of my work (the good, bad and the ugly) but tell me about yourself, why you like the story and how you relate to it, that's why I write it! I want it to be as human as possible.  
  
Dani800: Keep at it. Writing IS an incredible release, never stop. Do you write here at fanfic? Anything I can check out (if I ever find any freaking time to do ANYTHING except write this story…)  
  
Butterflyeforlorne: Happy endings… a lot of people have asked me that. As usual NOT SAYING… but I would like to remind everyone that this story is suppose to be charting Ginny's growth and the things and people that effect it. A happy ending is entirely dependant on peoples views. Just wait and see, it's ending soon enough.  
  
Raven: Wow, I don't think I've even heard from you before. Hey, never worry about reviews being too long… that's the way I like them. I love to hear from all my reviewers, that's what makes writing this so worthwhile. I just have one correction to make: I don't mind when people find my spelling mistakes. Or my Grammar mistakes (looks at Riverwinde and grins) I know how much things like that detract from a story. But as to all the rest you are so very right. So you are a cutter… is this new or old? Not that it's any of my business, or anything I was just curious. Cutting is never something I enjoy. It's a necessity not a luxury. There were times when I can easily say I had no intention of ever stopping… feelings like that go in stages. There are times when I step back and realize I have to get some sort of focus before things go to far. Quitting is something that comes and goes… but it really doesn't matter. As to your description of your life: I'm sorry to say this but how can people be considered your 'best friends' if they don't know you? Isn't that a contradiction of terms? As to the so called perfect life…I know how that feels (except I'm not pretty, but I don't hold it against you that you are ;) But there is a poem I want you to read that I wrote under the name 'nobody important' my other account here. It's called 'Perfect Person'. I think you'll understand it. Some important points: I COMPLETELY understand everything you wrote about. The joy the pain, all of it. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. There are people who can feel you even when you're a million miles away. So hang on. And Papercut is one of my FAVORITE songs… I hear that line 'who laughs every time you fall' and I just cringe.  
  
Mediterranean Queen: Don't worry I didn't kill her off. I told everyone no one was going to die this fic. As to the happy or sad ending which is becoming like the one MILLION dollar question of this fic, you'll see soon.  
  
Alizee: MOST people keep smiling all the time when there in love… has anything in this story ever been according to what most people do? I guess I could have beefed up the romance some, but to be honest I don't like writing sap very much (it leaves this acid taste in my mouth like after you eat too much sugar and I always feel the urge to purge) Again, NO ONE is going to die I promise. Ummm I'm an American, but I live in the Middle East so my computer is filled with all sorts of weird accents because it's double language for Arabic and French. 


	9. Beginning

Disclaimer: I don't own them  
  
Well this is the last chapter. Sort of. I'm terribly sorry this is taking so long. but it will all be over soon. I just love what you wrote Amanda about an unsatisfying ending and no sequel. I'll try not to do that, but I probably will.  
  
  
  
Forget about the fight to wear the crown of scars Cause you've already won Forget the pain and leave tears behind you Bury underneath your feet the remains Of what's been left behind Cause you have got a long, long way to run  
  
  
  
Ginny opened her eyes carefully, slowly letting the light filter through her eyelashes. Her whole body ached and she could feel her head throb with every beat of her heart, but those sensations came as a relief to her fever stricken self. It meant that the potion that Madame Pomfrey had given her earlier had finally worn off and she could think without the sweet purple haze of medication.  
  
The first feeling that assaulted her was an ache and a longing that drowned out everything else. It built up inside like water behind a dam, compressing her chest until she couldn't breathe. but tears. tears wouldn't fall anymore. She knew she couldn't cry anymore than she could laugh. Since the moment Harry told her Draco was gone she had cried and cried, but now her eyes had stopped working and all that was left was the dull pulsing ache that slowly carved her hollow. She thought of her knife sitting somewhere in the dorms and of the dozen little blades that lined her pockets, portfolios, and shoes. To bleed. that would be wonderful right now. That would be Heaven at Hell's gate  
  
'What would I cut?' she thought 'His name, everywhere. I'd split every single piece of skin he ever toughed. I'd cut a dragon, somewhere, maybe. I'd make it all bleed until it looked like my body was a patch work quilt or a park tree. I'd make my body a storybook where you could read the tale of a sick broken little girl and her dragon.'  
  
But even as she thought of all the tangled pain she wanted to inflict on her skinny body she knew she couldn't muster up the strength to do it. It wasn't physical weakness. it was emotional drain. You had to feel to cut and she couldn't feel anything right now except a throbbing head and emptiness.  
  
It hurt so much worse than the physical pain.  
  
She tried to make herself feel. In her mind she went over ever moment of the night before, what he had said, what he hadn't said, where he had touched and how. anything at all to bring back feeling to herself. But it was sucked in the vortex of emptiness that drained her soul.  
  
'If it stays like this then I'm dead already,' she thought.  
  
Taking a deep breath she pulled herself up slowly and began to exam her wrist closely, following the blue veins that twisted up her arm. Under those blue rivers were red ones that pulsed and throbbed pushing her life force through her body. 'I wonder,' she thought 'what would happen if at will you could make your heart stop beating. How many people would die in a day? Would Draco have killed himself that way?'  
  
But it didn't matter because Draco was gone anyways. He had left at night in the rain.  
  
How had he left? It was a thought that hadn't occurred to her in her misery, but now that she contemplated it, he would have had to have left on foot, or with his broom. But there were flying regulations to be thought of if you flew at night and he wouldn't have wanted to contend with that so he would have gone on foot. Alone. In the rain.  
  
How long would it be before he was missed? No time at all she realized. Even if his absence was ignored early in the morning there was no way that people would take no notice if he didn't appear for breakfast. Suddenly she began to panic. If the school noticed that he was gone, search parties would be sent out and they would drag him back to the hands of danger. She couldn't let that happen, but the reality was what could she do? Her fever was returning she could tell and that meant the Madame Pomfrey would soon be in to sedate her again. But she didn't know what time it was or how much time she had to do anything. Still she had to think of something, if only as a last stand for him to show that what she had felt was real. But who to talk to? The Headmaster? It made sense, but the idea of meeting the man face to face again intimidated her to no end and how would she go about contacting him? An easier choice was Professor McGonagal, but she wasn't sure the Head of the Gryffindor house would understand, or believe Ginny's story if she told it. Then it hit her. Snape. He was Slytherin but was accepted by everyone as one of the 'good guys' at least in the war against the Dark Lord and his followers. Ginny cringed at the idea of speaking to Snape, but the situation was not one to give into childish weaknesses.  
  
That decision made, she threw off the covers and was getting ready to crawl out of bed when Madame Pomfrey came bustling in. Upon seeing Ginny half out of bed she rushed over and stated firmly, "Young lady I don't know what you think you are doing but you can just erase any idea of getting out of that bed until you are fully healed."  
  
Ginny rolled her eyes and said angrily, "Please do not mollycoddle me! I have a cold not a terminal illness and I have to see someone urgently---"  
  
"You'll be seeing no one, miss. Get yourself back in that bed before I put a body freeze on you."  
  
"Madame Pomfrey, please. This is important. Someone's life is at stake. I need to speak to Professor Snape right now."  
  
But Madame Pomfrey did not look even vaguely phased. Instead she said in her gentlest voice, "Miss Weasley, darling, you have a very bad infection and you need rest. I want you to just take this sedative---"  
  
"No!" shouted Ginny suddenly outraged; the placating tone Madame Pomfrey was using reminded her too vividly of her family. "I won't take anything until you bring me Professor Snape or let me go to him!"  
  
Madame Pomfrey came forward and gently took Ginny by the shoulders, a movement that cause Ginny's hospital gown to slip off her shoulders exposing a trail of scars over her upper arms and leading to her chest. Unconsciously both doctor and patient looked at the markings and then at each other. There was no way for Madame Pomfrey to hide what she saw from her face or lessen the awkwardness of the situation. So instead she pretended that nothing happened and spoke again in that gentle placid voice, "Virginia, darling, climb back in bed and we'll see---"  
  
"NO!" snapped Ginny jerking out of her grip. Frustration made her impatient and fever, irrational. "I'm telling you woman, get Professor Snape now, or I'll get him myself!"  
  
The medic jumped at the raw feeling emitting from this usually quiet girl. Madame Pomfrey debated her options. Obviously she was serious---perhaps high strung from the fever--- but nonetheless very serious. She could argue or force the medication down her, but she was greatly opposed to such actions. In the situation it seemed to make more sense to placate the girl then drive her to violence. thinking along that stream brought her back to the scars that littered this poor girl's skin.  
  
"Alright then. I'll get Professor Snape but you remain here in bed and wait. Understood?"  
  
Ginny nodded, climbing back under the covers. As the doctor retreated Ginny fell back against the over stuffed pillows exhausted but the burst of energy she had displayed. She needed to stay focused for when Snape arrived.  
  
It seemed like ages before Ginny heard footsteps approaching her bed. Drawing her courage around her like a protective blanket she tried to capture that expression of apathy that Draco had mastered, but failed utterly so that when Snape entered the room, impatient and sneering he saw before him a pale frighten red head, with a look of such imploring that he almost stopped still in his gait.  
  
He had never liked Virgina Weasely. He hated the Weaselys generally and since he had begun teaching at the school it seemed there was a never ending supply of them. one finally graduated only for three more to appear. All of them bothered him to no end, that stuff shirt Percy, those abominable twins and then the reckless side kick of Harry Potter, Ron. But the youngest of them, the tiny red headed girl inspired a level of bitterness in him that forced him to ignore her completely for fear that if he acknowledged her at all he would be so severe to her that it would back- fire on him. Of course it slipped out occasionally; that was to be expected and he knew very well that she not only hated him but feared him also, which was why he was surprised and annoyed when Pomfrey had come to him insisting that he come away directly to see her, even though the staff was meeting to discuss the disappearance of Draco Malfoy.  
  
But there she was in front of him and her looked reminded him too much of other people he wanted to forget about entirely.  
  
"What do you want? Why have I been called away from urgent business to deal with you?" the contempt in his voice was actually tangible, but Ginny was by this point too desperate to let it daunt her.  
  
"Professor Snape, do they know that Draco is missing yet?" she asked.  
  
Snape raised an eyebrow at her question. It was his understanding that she had been ill since early morning, how would she have known?  
  
"News travels quickly in this building," he said in disgust. "Draco Malfoy is missing, but it is no concern of yours."  
  
"Yes it is. He's running away to-" "Join the Deatheaters. Yes that is the main suspicion but I don't see why--- " "NO!" she shouted "No that's not it at all. He's running away from them. they were-are-coming here to take him, by his father's orders and he thought the only way he could escape was to run away---"  
  
Snape to a few long strides quickly towards her, his eyes wide with disbelief.  
  
"What?! That's ridiculous! For whatever reason Malfoy has run off for I assure you it's not to escape his own father-"  
  
"No you don't understand," she insisted, hearing her voice rise in agitation. "His mother wrote him and told him they were coming yesterday and he couldn't stay because he just couldn't be forced to join all those monsters---"  
  
Quite unexpectedly Snape placed his hand on her forehead muttering, "Feverish. Just as I suspected. You're delusional." "I AM NOT!" "Miss Weasely-" "LISTEN TO ME! You have to or else he'll be killed or worse! I thought you'd understand. he told you loved someone like me once."  
  
At her words Snape froze mid sneer and simply stared at the girl. Seeing she had caught his attention Ginny pushed forward. "He said you had been in love and that was why you left in the first rising. And I thought. I thought you'd understand, why."  
  
The look on Snape's face was a cruel mixture of horror, disbelief, and rage all tinted with a sort of coldness that made Ginny think of the times Draco said he was doomed to end up just like the embittered potions master.  
  
When he spoke his voice had an ice to it's tone that reminded Ginny so much of Draco her soul cringed. "How do you know this? ANY of this? You start from the beginning and tell me just exactly what happened to Malfoy." "Oh, there's not time for that-" "You can start NOW."  
  
Ginny let herself fall back on to the bed weary and jittery at the same time and in as few words as possible explained to Snape about her complicated relationship with Draco. Skipping details entirely as well as how and why they met on the level they did, she told him about how he had changed, not on a the surface or even on a base level but in some fundamental way that made joining the Deatheaters impossible.  
  
At the end of the short narration Snape just stood there shocked and still looking at Ginny first and then at some point beyond her.  
  
After a moment he snapped back to reality and focused so acutely on her that she was tempted to turn away. Instead she said, "Please, PLEASE make them help him. If not directly, then at least shield him until he can get further away. Please."  
  
"It will be taken care of, I promise," he said and without another word turned around and left.  
  
When he left the room Ginny felt an incredible weight lift off of her. Somehow she had made Snape understand and she had done everything in her power to at least buy Draco some time. Now if she could just get rid of that all consuming emptiness eating away at her maybe she could stop fighting to breathe.  
  
Ginny barely noticed when Madame Pomfrey came in and poured another dose of elixir down her throat. She didn't respond to the medic's cheerful attitude or her forced delicate comments. She waited patiently for the medicine to works it's magic and shut down her conscious mind so she could rest in peace.  
  
  
  
  
  
Harry returned that afternoon to see what had happened to Ginny and to find Ron who had not left the infirmary that morning, even under pain of a detention. When he entered the waiting room he found his friend hunched over in a chair, his head dangling down.  
  
"Oi, Ron, " he called out "How are you? Still here? Can we see her yet?"  
  
Ron look up slowly and gave Harry a thin smile. "Pomfrey says her fever is down. Just an infection made worse by stress. She says Ginny will be out in a few days at the latest. "  
  
Harry dumped his books and sat down next to his friend. "That's brilliant!" he said enthusiastically. But Ron just nodded, a blank almost despairing look sweeping across his face.  
  
Harry didn't understand Ron's attitude, but he knew better than to confront him on it. Ron would talk when he wanted to. Harry just leaned back contented to sit in silence when Ron said, "You know, don't you?"  
  
Harry started. "Know what?" Ron looked at him with a mixture of anger over ruled by fear. "You know what's wrong with Ginny don't you?"  
  
Harry swallowed, trying to get rid of the sudden rock which appeared in his throat. "Didn't Madame Pomfrey say she just had an infection?"  
  
"Harry you know that's not what I'm talking about. You saw them. You saw them and you didn't look at all surprised."  
  
"Ron, calm down." "Calm down?!" barked Ron with sudden fury. But it died on his lips quickly. Returning to his strained semi-panic voice he said, "She's covered in scars, Harry. Not scratches, not from falling down or getting caught in thorns or from the cat. Deliberate scars." his breath hitched then and he stopped talking. After a moment's silence he said, "Harry, tell me what the bloody hell is going on."  
  
Harry stared at Ron speechless. What on earth was he supposed to do now? Ron was his best friend, but he knew had no right to further interfere with Ginny's life. Shaking his head slowly he said, "Ron, you're talking to the wrong person. If you think something's wrong with Ginny, you need to speak to her, not me."  
  
Judging by the expression that passed across Ron's face Harry figured he had been expecting just that reply. He open his mouth to say something to Harry but just then Madame Pomfrey breezed in smelling of medicine and chocolate. As soon as she came in Ron jumped up saying, "Can we see her yet?"  
  
But Madame Pomfrey shook her head. "Ginny says she doesn't want to see anyone right now."  
  
"But I'm her brother! Surely I can-" "No, you can't. I want her resting as it is and if she doesn't want visitors, then she'll get none." Her tone softened. "But don't you worry over her, she'll be right as rain in no time at all. Just go back to your classes boys and you'll see her soon enough."  
  
Ron started to protest but Harry stopped him from yelling. He tried to pull his overstrained friend back towards the door, when, of all people, Snape strode into the infirmary.  
  
With out looking at the boys he spoke to Madame Pomfrey. "I need to speak to her now. Is her fever down?"  
  
Madame Pomfrey looked quickly between the stern professor and the dumbfounded boys, but trying to keep a neutral face she said, "Of course. right this way." And with that she led Snape refusing to look back.  
  
Naturally Ron snapped. "My sister is sick, my best friend won't tell me what's wrong with her, I can't visit her, but Snape can? What's wrong with everyone?"  
  
Harry cringed and began to stutter something at Ron, but Ron shrugged him off and left the room leaving Harry standing all alone in the infirmary. Sighing in defeat he too picked up his things and left.  
  
  
  
Will you fall against the wall that you have built With your own hands When you trip upon the thorns that you have tied Your legs together with When you walk upon thin ice you know you should Not be walking Why do you wonder why that you fell through  
  
  
  
When Snape left her, Ginny finally felt like for the first time since she had awoken she could breathe. He believed her and he said it was being 'handled'. That was all she could ask for, in fact she was thrilled that they had believe Draco was anything more than a common criminal. So now the panic was over and she had time to think over what had happened since December. For a moment she laughed. It occurred to her that since Draco had dragged her in from the cold she never sat down to analyze everything that had changed, not just since the mess with Goyle, but in the last year when she had first picked up a knife to deal with her problems.  
  
"And how is my little patient?"  
  
Ginny looked up and saw Madame Pomfrey hovering over her. It seemed that the medic would never leave her alone.  
  
"Sorry to disturb your thoughtful reverie, but it's time to check your temperature and see how your responding to potion I gave you."  
  
Ginny sighed patiently, "I'm doing fine. My fever's down, I'm sure."  
  
But Madame Pomfrey clucked her tongue and bustled about, taking unnecessary measurements until she had almost worn Ginny's patience through. Right when Ginny was almost going to directly ask her to leave, she turned around and sat down gently at the foot of the bed. The artificial sugar coated look dissolved and was replaced by one of genuine concern. Speaking carefully she said, "Virginia darling, I'm afraid I need to speak with you and I know you're not going to be pleased."  
  
Ginny felt her heart accelerate.  
  
"Virginia, my job as head of this infirmary is not only to treat the sick. I am to look out for their physical and mental welfare. Now you have been in here only twice this past year. but I have seen you closely on both times and I'm worried about you."  
  
She paused waiting for her patient to respond, but Ginny didn't have a clue which card to play. Innocent? Secretive? Happy? Unhappy? Should she pretend to just miss the point? Instinctively she said, "I'm fine, just tired."  
  
It sounded lame even to her and Madame Pomfrey gave her a patient but scrutinizing look that made her blush.  
  
"Virginia, we could go around in circles. We could both pretend that we don't know what the other is thinking but I have learned that that particular approach to a problem is rarely constructive."  
  
"I don't have problem!" protested Ginny breathless.  
  
Madame Pomfrey raised her hand, stemming a stream of defense from her patient.  
  
"Virginia let me put this to you a clearly as I can. If I have a suspicion that a student at this school is in any sort of trouble I have a sworn duty to inform the Headmaster and he may decide to inform the person's parents, with or without their consent." Ginny's eyes grew as big as saucers at her words. "But before I do that I want to talk to you. Alone. No one else will ever know what we talk about. Now the choice is yours."  
  
Ginny looked at Madame Pomfrey in defeat. Denying was now obviously useless. but how could she divulge her deepest secrets to a total stranger? Still the threat with her parents over rode everything. The idea of them knowing about her. about what she did. that was unacceptable.  
  
"Alright. We'll talk. But you CANNOT go to Professor Dumbledore and you can't tell me parents. You have to promise." The doctor nodded silently. "But please Madame Pomfrey can it wait until a little bit later? There are so many things I have to sort out today. Release me from here this morning and tonight we can talk, is that alright?"  
  
Madame Pomfrey gave a genuine smile of relief. "That's fine. I'll be here all night. ANY time you like, you just come here and we'll talk. I'll get you a pass, so that you can be out after hours without Filch bothering you. Now about your release."  
  
"Madame, you know I'm fine. I just over taxed my system, but all I really have is a cold."  
  
The medic looked Ginny over carefully then finally relented. "Alright. I'll let you out."  
  
"Thank you. Oh and could you do me one more favor? Please don't tell anyone you've released me until late this evening. I need some time alone."  
  
Madame Pomfrey caught Ginny's face in her hands, her expression over flooded with warm sympathy. "I'll do that. But remember, tonight I'll be waiting for you."  
  
  
  
Once she was dressed and out of the infirmary Ginny was left standing outside the doorway with no place to go. She was tired of drifting off in some direction with no focus. This time she was choosing her course and following it through.  
  
Thirteen minutes later she was sitting on Draco's bed in that private room he had hidden away in the Slytherin halls. She had detoured to get Persephone and now the both of them were occupying the space that enclosed so many odd moments of her recent life.  
  
Her blade was in between her hands.  
  
A perfectly sharpened piece of silver with a twisted handle of woven fairies, no bigger than the palm of her hand. It was so beautiful and so deadly. She wondered silently why she had bought it originally. She had not been cutting at the time. But when she saw the knife she had felt drawn to it like it had been made for her.  
  
Draco's blade was beside her as well.  
  
It was copper and also very sharp, molded like a dragon it could pass for a paperweight until you pressed the eye. Then the blade shot out like the forked tongue of lizard. If you weren't careful it would cut you just by not moving your hand fast enough. It was dangerous by default, but it was so carefully crafted that in it's own twisted way it was beautiful. When had Draco gotten his hands on it? she wondered. She had never thought to ask him. But it was his choice for release.  
  
When she lined the two blades next to each other she felt something twist inside her painfully. They didn't even look pretty together. They didn't balance one another or set off some charming picture, but they were the exact same thing in two different molds. That was the truth of what she and Draco had been. One person in two different molds. In her mind she could see the two of them together. There had been love there and so much pain. Even when he had finally held her, touch her, kissed her, it had all been twisted with unspeakable hurt. She wondered silently if she had gone with him how long it would have taken for all that emotion to consume her; two consume them both.  
  
"If I had left with Draco, Perse, he would have hurt me again and again." she whispered to Persephone. The kitten meowed and began to rub up against her thigh.  
  
"He would have pushed me away, then drawn me so close I wouldn't have been able to breathe and then lashed out."  
  
Persephone began to butt her head gently against her mistress.  
  
"And I would have forgiven him every time."  
  
Ginny picked up the kitten she had named after a goddess cursed to live between two worlds because she loved the Under Lord.  
  
"I bet he's far away now. Dumbledore is probably helping him secretly and he won't even know it. I bet those Death eaters will never find him."  
  
Persephone had relaxed in her lap and was purring in a ball of fluff.  
  
"Of course I could be wrong. They might catch him and kill him today. Nothing is ever for sure."  
  
Ginny pulled up the purring fur ball and looked her in the eye. "Do you know Perse, He completed me. He filled up every empty space I had in me and everything he touched inside me hurt so much, but it was wonderful. wonderful being that filled.  
  
"I think after awhile you stop understanding anything that's not painful. I think, Perse, that's what happened to Draco. If it's real it's supposed to hurt. I think that's what would have happened to me if he had stayed. or if I had left. Just one long life of love and hurt. There is so much in him that isn't healed. And now he's gone off all alone and I can't save him or keep him safe."  
  
She hadn't realized that tears were slipping down her nose until Persephone meowed at the wet, penetrating her coat. Salty tears that leaked unchecked and hurt to cry out. But she didn't give in to racking sobs. She just let the tears fall and thought back further than Draco and Goyle back to that first day in the summer. And then she laughed out loud.  
  
"Can you believe it Perse? All this started because I broke down over Harry kissing Cho."  
  
The idea that at one time that had seemed so important to her was comical at the moment. Standing up slowly, Ginny was suddenly caught with an idea. Walking over to a full length mirror that was beside an over turned cupboard she began to undress slowly, revealing in layers her body as it was. She stood there alone, naked, skinny, freckled and scarred. It was the body of a small framed sixteen year old girl who had loved, lost, hurt, and healed. Even the scars, as blatant and ugly as some of them were, were healed wounds. She traced over the three slashes Draco had left on her. They were beginning to itch. She had a mad urge to scratch them until they were torn open again and bleeding, but instead she just rubbed them gently. It was time she knew to just let them heal with the others. The swelling had left her split lip and the hickeys on her neck were fading. It would all fade eventually with time and she would be left with the memory. Because she realized staring at her dissatisfactory body that they were all her memories. Her experiences that she didn't have to borrow from anyone else. She, Ginny Weasly, had a story all of her own that she didn't have to share with anyone, but which she could share if she wanted to. Draco had given her that much freely.  
  
Ginny got dressed again and looked around the room carefully. It was a wreck, which was strange because Draco was meticulously neat. He must have been in a hurry, she thought. Of course he had been, he was trying to run away. Thoughtlessly she began to pick up the scattered clothing and fold them all neatly. With every possession that she picked up she felt like a piece of him was being put back in place. There was something soothing about the mindlessness of cleaning. Somewhere in the middle of it she began crying softly again, but she didn't even notice it really. Eventually, she felt herself relax as she picked up Draco's things, making herself remember exactly how he had kept them. She stayed that way for the better part of a half an hour, folding, dusting and rearranging, before the creaking of the door startled her.  
  
"Ginny? Are you here?"  
  
Of course it was Harry.  
  
"You found me," she said softly not looking up from her work.  
  
"I went to the infirmary and Madame Pomfrey said you didn't want visitors. But it seemed strange that they would keep you so long for just a fever, so I guessed you might have been released and that you were hiding."  
  
"Did it occur to you that IF I was hiding maybe, I didn't want to be found?"  
  
Harry winced. ".Sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were alright."  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
Silence.  
  
"So do you want me to go?" asked Harry nervously after a moment. "Yes," she answered. But he didn't make any move of leaving. Instead he said, "Ron's worried sick, Gin. He saw the scars and he asked me about them. He---"  
  
"I'll deal with my family in my own time Harry," she said firmly. Her tone was so placid it unnerved him. He stepped forward awkwardly and laid a hand on her shoulder which she shrugged off. "Gin, are you sure---"  
  
"Harry, I'm going to finish cleaning this room. Then I have to go and speak with Madame Pomfrey for awhile. Then I will go to the common room and have a talk with my big brother. After that I'm going to bed and I'm sleeping until my body decides to wake up again. Harry--- Draco's gone. He's not coming back. I'm here and I'm staying here. Life goes on. Now please, let me finish this so that my talk with Ron is not delayed until the middle of the night."  
  
Harry opened his mouth to say something but then thought the better of it. As he watched her take up her wand and began to whisper charms moving things to their proper places the same sensation hit him that struck him the night he walked into her in the common room surrounded by fire sprites.  
  
"It's happened again," he said to himself, but she heard and looked up, throwing him a questioning look. "You've changed again," he explained. "I thought you had grown up the day I saw the first time with the fire sprites, but now you've changed again and it's different. Are you sure you're going to be alright?"  
  
His concern for her was so genuine that she smiled at him, very sadly and said, "No. I'm not sure of anything. But I'm alive and I'm going to keep on living. That's the best answer I can give you."  
  
Then he nodded and left the room.  
  
When Ginny was finished she took a satisfied look around the room and happen to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror again. Quite suddenly an idea hit her and after she search for a few minutes she found a pair of scissors. Without stopping to think she took hold of her hair and began to cut off the long tresses. When she was done the waist length hair was cut up to her chin. Looking at herself in the mirror she was surprised at how different she looked. It felt good somehow, like her physical appearance reflected the change that had taken place inside her. Of course she hadn't done the best job. she'd have to find someone to even it out for her later, and her mother would throw a tantrum when she saw it, but all that didn't matter at all. Harry was right: she wasn't the same girl and she wanted it to show.  
  
  
  
I know you laugh And show tears Smile down at your fears From where you are From way up here You know nothing's ever looked so good Nothing ever looked so good  
  
It was late in the evening when Ginny finally finished with Madame Pomfrey. It had been a tiring experience, but not as bad as she had originally thought. Madame Pomfrey had begun by complimenting her hair and offering to even it out, an offer Ginny had accepted. After she had felt more relaxed, the doctor had asked her why she cut her hair and that led to the cutting. To continue to deny that she cut herself was pointless, so when the medic asked her how long she had been abusing herself she didn't bother to lie. Ginny began trying to sugar coat what she could, but Madame Pomfrey was so subtle and so persistent that she found herself revealing more than she intended about her frustrations at home though she skipped everything related to Draco and Harry. In fairness Madame Pomfrey was very gentle and if she hit a sore spot she would drop the topic immediately. And when they were done, after Madame Pomfrey had insisted that they talk again, she had said something that had continued to play on Ginny's mind.  
  
"You know, after all Virginia, always remember that you are only sixteen years old. You are so young right now. and you have your entire life left to live. Right now it's just beginning, it has years and years left to improve. You still have so much time left to find happiness."  
  
  
  
When Ginny entered the common room that night no one was up except Ron who was sitting pensively on a chair. When he saw her he jumped up saying "Where were you?" and then "What did you do to your hair?"  
  
"I was tired of it," she answered, shrugging. "I needed a change." He nodded smiling. "It looks great. Mum's going to pitch a fit, but really it suits your face wonderfully."  
  
But then he got that grave look on his face and the strained thin panic look clouded his eyes as he took her by the shoulders. He didn't bother mincing words either. "Ginny, you're my sister. And before I say anything I KNOW I'm a useless brother on all accounts." he ignored her protests lithely " But I have noticed that you've been unhappy of late, that's clear. And I saw the scars- --" his voice cracked there and she actually saw tears well up in his eyes. But he got a hold of himself quickly and said, "Tell me everything Ginny, please. I need you to be honest and please don't leave off details. I know you like Charlie best---" again he ignored her protests "But try and tell me what's going on." She tried to dissuade him, making up poor excuses for the scars, all of which he brushed aside without a second thought. She didn't want to tell him, but the look of anguish is his face began to wear her down until he finally said, "Is it because I don't love you enough? Is that why you do this to yourself?"  
  
That broke her will entirely and the whole story came out like a damn bursting. She had meant to only explain the cutting but it went deeper than that and her frustration over Harry and details about Goyle and Draco followed subsequently. It was the first time she had told the entire story to anyone and in some ways it was a huge relief, as if the weight of the world was lifted off her shoulders. But deep into their talk Ron had stopped interrupting and asking questions and now he just sat silently watching her. It took her a moment to realize that her brother was crying.  
  
The first thing he said was, "Oh, Ginny. Ginny I'm so sorry."  
  
"Ron it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. It all just happened."  
  
"But, Goyle and DRACO MALFOY! And I wasn't anywhere to help you---"  
  
"Don't you understand? You CAN'T help me. I have to help myself. You, the family, Harry, I know you people love me, but I have to deal with this on my own."  
  
Ron swallowed and shook his head in wonder. "What am I going to tell mum and dad?" "NOTHING!" she gasped quickly. "You can't tell them Ron you can't! You have to promise me PLEASE don't tell them, they won't be able to handle it---"  
  
"Shh, calm down, alright? I won't tell I promise, I promised at the beginning. But Ginny, I don't know how I'm going to help you; or what I can do."  
  
Ginny was quiet for a long time. Finally she said, "I don't know. I don't know what I want, forget what I actually need. It's all so complicated. I feel like every single thing in my life has completely shattered. I've really hit rock bottom. About the only thing that could possibly make things worse would be if the uprising everyone is talking about were to happen tomorrow. I'm in the dust. but in a way it means the only way I have to move is up. I'm still trying to get my head to stop spinning, Ron I can't tell you what to do. Just. be patient with me okay? And if I'm upset for awhile, well, just let me be."  
  
Then Ron reached forward and grabbed her up in tight embrace that she returned.  
  
"You just remember Ginny, that I love you, that we all love you and that whatever you need, you can come to us." She wasn't sure if there was any reality in that statement or if she would ever reach a point when she could go them with her problems. but still it was nice to know that the offer was opened if she were to choose to take it.  
  
  
  
As Ginny had original expected it was the wee hours of the morning before she finally made it to bed. She was exhausted beyond all measures, so naturally she couldn't sleep. She tossed and turned trying to get comfortable, but beyond that trying to get used to the emptiness in her head. She had always used the rhythm of Draco's emotions to rock herself to sleep when she was too high strung to relax and now all that was left was a hollowness that seemed to echo in her mind. What was worse was that occasionally she would get a wisp of what they had for a brief second but it would disappear before she could grapple it, leaving her high and dry.  
  
Finally she gave up and climbed out of bed to slink off in the dark. Somehow every place around her felt confined and suffocating and inadvertently she found herself heading for the grounds. Being ever watchful of Filch she crept outside relishing the night breeze that blew over the grass. Staring around at the blue-black surroundings of night she remembered other nights that she had brought Draco out to see the night life of the little people she loved so much. They came to her now even without her calling, simply sensing her presence, swirling before her eyes like a thousand tiny lights. Her consciousness dimmed and she let herself float in a semi-present state, trying to focus on being absent form her surroundings.  
  
Draco. she knew he was gone, but she needed something, some sort of assurance that at least for now he was alright. If only there was some sort of sign. Reaching in her mind she sought out their link for one last time. She had almost given up when she caught something, a wisp that slipped through her head and she grabbed hold of it mentally before it vanished. The connection was so fine it was almost non existent but summoning all her mental power she tried to project her love, fear and concern into one question over their link and then release it to him.  
  
She waited. But nothing happened.  
  
Of course nothing happened. Harry had dissolved the link and the ghosts of it that remained in her head weren't real. She stood up hurt, empty and dejected making her way back to the dorm before Filch caught her.  
  
That's when it hit her.  
  
An emotion so strong it knocked her off her feet and made her knees buckle. It was one sweeping wave of comfort, warmth and love all mingled with that ever-present trickle of pain. And she knew then that where ever he was, Draco, for now, was alright.  
  
And it was enough to begin with.  
  
But now you dance the rest of the way And you don't look back Can you hear that angel singing As you rise  
  
Now you fly away And you don't look down now And you laugh til you can't laugh any longer As you watch your chains fall to the ground  
  
  
  
THE BEGINNING  
  
  
  
Halleluiah!!!! It's done.  
  
Do you guys REALLY want an epilogue? OK: You guys ask all your questions about the story or anything at all you want to know and I promise I'll answer everything in one LONG Author's note before I say goodbye again for another age.  
  
I just everyone to know that this has been the grueling writing experience of my life, but getting to know you guys in the process has made it fantastic. Thank you sooo much because you'll never know how much you've helped me.  
  
To every cutter who has stopped cutting, may you stay strong and be hope for the rest of us. To every cutter reading this who hasn't stopped. you're not alone and the best we can do is pray it will get better. To those of you who don't cut. Don't ever start. It's as addictive as heroin and it's not worth the pain it relieves.  
  
Mediterranean Queen:  
  
Honey, NO SEQUEL. Not for a thousand bucks or even a promise by JK Rowling that Ginny and Draco DO get together in the book. well matbe for that. I just can't muster up the strength. But I hope this ending is *cough* satisfactory. I mean she doesn't die.  
  
dani800: okay you've peaked my interest. any way I could read any of the science fiction you write? (I love that genre) and I'd like to see your work. I don't have a lot of time to read, cus I've been working against time to finish this and THAT has progressed slow enough as it is.  
  
Nightangel: How you manage to pick out my FAVORITE songs ALL the time amazes me. As for 'Here to stay' I taped that off the radio like two days before you reviewed. Okay about your friend. I'll say something and I'm sure some people will find this offensive, but if you accidentally see someone's scars it probably means they won't someone to know. I mean if you don't want your scars to show you either cover them up or you don't cut places people can see. People who cut words on their arms and then wear short sleeves are asking for help. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. Sometimes people just need a helping hand. And NO I'm not accusing her of wanting attention, she probably just wants someone to acknowledge that she's in pain. That's okay. Talk to her. But as for you. are You okay? Hope so. and I hope you're enjoying this story.  
  
myself:  
  
HEY!! Thanx sssssssssssoooooooooo much for reviewing my other work! It was such a surprise. I'm glad you liked the work. I started writing under nobody important after last summer when my life kinda shattered. I wanted to dissociate myself from Opaque. but I came back again to write this. Again there is NO such thing as a review that's too long. I'm glad I make you feel better. nice to know I do someone some good. that kinda makes you a first. I know what it feels like, that feeling like you got no friends, I was making a list of friends that I would invite to my wedding. I couldn't come up with ten people. That's really sad. Anyways (no I'm not getting married right now) Sometimes it hurts, cus my mom knows I cut and that I'm bulimic but it's like she doesn't see how much I hurt. Like those things don't matter. Anyways, if I did get married I'd invite you and as soon I have finished up the epilogue I'm going to check out all your work. :)  
  
Diamond Tears: Thanks for the support. it means much more than you realize.  
  
Butterflye-forlorne:  
  
All things you said about writing were very sweet. totally exaggerated, but it sure made me feel good. I don't want to write professionally, I just want to please my reviewers here and if I've done that then I'm happy. Controlled cutting is of course better than uncontrolled-cutting and I respect you for being able to keep to it. I go in waves, depends on how much is going on in my life. Right now this is the WORST time of year for me, but hey, slip slip slash I'll make it through. Hmmm. about your friend: Like I said before, if she's let you see the scars then she's inadvertently asking for help. But how do you except to help her without letting on that you do the same thing? That's tricky. Just ask her about them and see her reaction. If she gets upset, leave it alone. But she probably wants someone to talk to. I know I'm not much help but I totally flipped out when my friend started cutting. But then she had known before that I was a cutter and then she started so I felt responsible. hell I still think I am. Anyways, I wrote this poem called 'shared pain' under nobody important. you might understand it. Btw, I also happen to like the song Smoke, even though I'm not a Natalie fan, in fact :) I'm listening to it now.  
  
Darker Child:  
  
Hey! How ya been? I'm so tired these days. I got exams all over the place and so much studying and NO time. I swear all I want to do is curl up in a ball and wait for it all to pass. But how about you? How are your friends and school? Is it getting any better? Ah. 28 days. I love that movie (Viggo Mortensen, YES) I know exactly how you feel. like if something doesn't change soon your gonna have to screw up to speed things along. Maybe that's not the right way to say it, it's more like that song Drift and Die, like we're all living, but we're all dieing as well and some days it seems more like we're dieing slow then living fast. Thanx for reviewing my poems under 'nobody important'. They mean much much more to me than you can suspect. Me, I'm doing okay. I'm fighting this whole weight battle with my mom though. she found out I was bulimic it's been one long battle since then and it's driving me crazy. She won't help me and she won't leave me alone either, but hey gimme a blade and some ipecac and I'll be fine. Yuck, that sounds psycho. oh well.  
  
Black Dragon:  
  
Let me put it to you gently. I WANT TO SEE THE DAMN DRAWINGS!!! Okay? You got my curiosity perked.  
  
Debra:  
  
Hey, nice to see you again! Glad you like the story, glad you understand. 


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